Troopers: Scareduke

By

Ben Joseph, Owen Parsons & Patrick Cassels

          INT. DREADCRUISER (DREADLORD'S CHAMBER)

          Dreadlord sticks a wire hanger under his mask and scratches.

                              COMM OFFICER (V.O.)
                    DREADLORD SINISTER! INCOMING
                    MESSAGE FROM THE ALPHA FLEET!

                              DREADLORD
                    Alpha Fleet? I can't even express
                    how annoyed I am right now. ARGH!
                         (beat)
                    Eh, that wasn't bad. Patch him
                    through. Wait.
                         (removes hanger)
                    OK.

          A LARGE SCREEN behind Dreadlord flashes on, introducing
          SCAREDUKE DEVIOUS, a buff, chill space-conqueror with no
          shirt and an eye-visor. Think Dreadlord, but way cooler.

                              SCAREDUKE
                    Dreadlord Sinister, hombre! How
                    things be on the DC?

                              DREADLORD
                         (sighs)
                    Scareduke Devious. Let me guess.
                    Your never ending parade of
                    victories continues.

                              SCAREDUKE
                    Negatory maximus. This campaign's a
                    total bust. Six hours and we've
                    only conquered two planets.

          A pleasant "bing" sounds.

                              SCAREDUKE
                    Wait, scratch that, three planets!

          We hear some quick, bro-ish cheering from Scareduke's ship.

                              DREADLORD
                         (killing him)
                    Wow. Good... good job.

                              SCAREDUKE
                    Ah! Don't use the "j" word, hombre.
                    This be a passion: cruisin' the
                    galaxy, squashing freedom, racking
                    up bookoo points for the Legion.

                              DREADLORD
                    Yes. Bookoo. What is it you want?

          Scareduke casually rolls a yellow SPACE JOINT.

                              SCAREDUKE
                    Well we've been picking up some
                    mondo distress calls from y'alls.

                              DREADLORD
                    Distress calls? Not from us. This
                    ship is a well-oiled machine, full
                    of deadly, elite troopers.

          RICH and LARRY enter.

                              RICH
                    Sir, Larry spilled orange soda on
                    the console and won't clean it up!

                              LARRY
                    Rich won't buy me a new orange
                    soda!

                              RICH
                    Oh my God! Scareduke Devious!
                         (to Larry; sotto)
                    Larry, it's Scareduke.

                              LARRY
                    I know, I noticed him first.

                              RICH
                    Same time?

                              LARRY
                    Agreed.

                              SCAREDUKE
                    Please, guys, call me Deevs.

                              DREADLORD
                    Do not call him Deevs.

                              LARRY
                    Deevs - sorry - I thought you were
                    locked in combat with Torg the
                    Unconquerable.

                              SCAREDUKE
                    Conquered him. Funny story--

                              DREADLORD
                    ACTUALLY I was just telling
                    Scareduke of your bravery. Surely
                    you've done something-

          Larry opens a new ORANGE SODA.

                              DREADLORD
                         (dubious)
                    -competent recently.

          Beat. Rich and Larry aren't sure how to respond.

                              RICH
                    Oh! OK. One time that lizard guy
                    escaped-

                              LARRY
                    -and no one could find him until
                    Rich realized there was one place
                    he could be.

                              RICH
                    At which point Larry spilled his
                    orange soda on the console. And I
                    was like, "Larry, you spilled
                    orange soda on the console."

                              LARRY
                    -and I was like, "Rich, buy me a
                    new orange soda."

                              RICH / LARRY
                    And then we, you know, came here.

          Dreadlord just stares.

                              SCAREDUKE
                         (reading)
                    Right on. Back to these distress
                    calls: says here you dudes flooded
                    your ship; you were enslaved by
                    Demolkian baboons, 7 months later,
                    wow, you were still baboon slaves;
                    then, after that you ejected all
                    your oxygen.

                              DREADLORD
                    Oxygen AND baboons and I told you
                    those calls weren't from us.

                              SCAREDUKE
                    Wow. Mea culpa, hombre. Lemme make
                    it up to you: we're having a little
                    celebration luau for the
                    six...(BING)...seven planets we
                    conquered if you want to swing by.

                              DREADLORD
                    I would love to, but every day's a
                    celebration over here.

          An abrasive ALARM goes off on the Dreadcruiser.

                              COMM OFFICER (V.O.)
                    Sorry, sir it's my first day, but
                    there's some sort of lizard monster
                    killing all of us up here. Is that
                    supposed to happen?
                         (listens to O.C.)
                    No? OK, Jeremy says no.

          The Comm Officer SCREAMS BLOODY MURDER. An awkward beat.
          Dreadlord reaches over and turns off the comm.

                              SCAREDUKE
                         (signals to O.C. guards)
                    Sounds heavy. I'll send some
                    troopers to lock that down for you.

                              DREADLORD
                    No! Do not send help! SCAREDUKE?!

          ON SCREEN: Scareduke is getting up. STEEL DRUM MUSIC plays.

                              SCAREDUKE
                    Sorry, can't hear you. They're
                    about to crown the limbo king.

          Someone O.C. tosses Scareduke a gold crown.

                              SCAREDUKE
                    Uh oh! Me? It's me! Aw, you guys!

          The transmission cuts out. Rich & Larry excitedly murmur
          about how cool Scareduke is. DL turns to them dramatically.

                              DREADLORD
                    Unbelieveable! Go capture that
                    lizard-man, my... home- home-brays.

                              LARRY
                    Sir, are you trying to talk like
                    Scareduke?

                              DREADLORD
                    What? No! You know you two are
                    my... hhhhome-brays.
                         (awkward beat)
                    JUST GO!

          They scurry out. Dreadlord tries out a cool gesture.

                              DREADLORD
                    Home-brays.

          END.