Troopers: Bathroom Run

By

Ben Joseph, Owen Parsons & Patrick Cassels

          INT. DREADCRUISER -- CELL BLOCK

          Larry slurps out the last of an ENORMOUS JUICE BAG.

                              LARRY
                         (breathing hard)
                    Ha! Two minutes! Pay up, Rich.

          CUT WIDE: Rich, just entering, puts down his lunch box.

                              RICH
                    What? I literally just got here.
                    Where did you get that giant juice bag?

                              LARRY
                    Uh, nowhere.

                              MR. CANKERSCHMIDT (O.S.)
                    Where's my juice bag?

                              LARRY
                    You drank it already, Mr.
                    Cankerscmhidt!

          Larry takes a FINAL SIP. His stomach RUMBLES. He keels a
          little.

                              LARRY
                         (grumble; in pain)
                    Oh I have to piss.

                              RICH
                    Well, somebody jettisoned our
                    bathroom into space.

                              LARRY
                    That was partially the bathroom's
                    fault. 

                              RICH
                    Try the next floor.

                              LARRY
                    Ugh. That's so far.
                         (gets up; exits)
                    It's like my pelvis is juggling a
                    water balloon.

          WHIP UP TO:

          INT. HALLWAY -- LEVEL 502

          Larry waddles in. There's a door with Dreadtrooper symbol on
          it (like a bathroom). Painted next to the door: LEVEL 502.

          He arrives at the bathroom door, sighs, and opens it.
          HORRIBLE TENTACLES flop out. There's an alien SCREAM.

                              LARRY
                    Oh God!

          Larry fights off the tentacles and closes the door. Beat.

                              TENTACLE MONSTER (VO)
                         (regular pleasant voice)
                    Dude! Learn to knock!

          Larry, scared, turns & sprints off.

          WHIP UP TO FLOOR 503.

                              LARRY
                         (running in)
                    Ohmygod I'm gonna be a piss geyser.

          As he says this Larry bumps into the PRINCESS, about to
          enter the bathroom herself.

                              LARRY
                    Ah! Princess!

                              PRINCESS
                    Are you going in or what?

                              LARRY
                    Me? Bathroom? No, grossamundo! I
                    don't do that. My body just, um,
                    converts waste into muscles.

                              PRINCESS
                    So you're made of piss?

          Larry's bladder RUMBLES.

                              LARRY
                    Okay, just stay here. I'm gonna run
                    upstairs real quick. Then I'll come
                    escort you back to the prison wing.

                              PRINCESS
                    No.

                              LARRY
                    You promise?

                              PRINCESS
                    No.

                              LARRY
                    You promise?

                              PRINCESS
                    You get how words work, right?

                              LARRY
                    Okay, see you in a sec!

          Larry exits.

          WHIP UP TO FLOOR 504.

          Larry gets in line behind LIZARDMAN.

                              LARRY (O.C.)
                    Why did God curse me with only one
                    bladder?

          Flush, another TROOPER exits the bathroom. Lizardman starts
          in; turns to Larry.

                              LIZARDMAN
                         (subtitled gibberish)
                    Uh... This might take a while. I
                    have nineteen assholes.

          Door closes behind Lizardman.

                              LARRY
                    Ugh! Screw this. Computer! Find me
                    the closest vacant restroom!

                              COMPUTER
                    Searching. Searching. Still
                    Searching.

          Larry GROANS in pain.

                              COMPUTER
                    Got it. The nearest bathroom is..
                    That way.

                              LARRY
                    Which way?

                              COMPUTER
                    You know, over there.

                              LARRY
                    You're not pointing at anything!
                    You don't have hands!

                              COMPUTER
                    Sure. Just rub it in.

                              LARRY
                    Agh, I'm too full of juice to deal
                    with this!

          WHIP UP TO FLOOR 515

          Larry runs in. Two TROOPERS are already standing in line. He
          barrels past them.

                              LARRY
                    Excuse me! Sorry! Juice-mergency!

          One Dreadtrooper grabs his shoulder, stopping him.

                              DREADTROOPER 1
                         (female voice)
                    Hey, this is the ladies room! Can't
                    you read?

          She points to the bathroom symbol. It's just a Dreadtrooper
          in full armor & mask.

                              DREADTROOPER 1 (O.C.)
                    Pervert!

          WHIP UP TO FLOOR 522

          Larry runs in. The door is locked. He bangs on it.

                              LARRY
                         (so desperate)
                    WHO IS IN THERE?

                              CHASE (O.C.)
                    Larry? It's me, Chase. I'm still
                    duct taped to the toilet.

                              LARRY
                    Ha ha, oh yeah.

          Larry walks off giggling.

                              CHASE (O.C.)
                    So you guys gonna let me out, or-

          WHIP UP TO FLOOR 531

          Larry runs down a hallway. He's not going to make it.

                              LARRY (O.C.)
                         (panting heavily)
                    I can't wait! Forgive me door!

          He turns to a random door. He unbuckles and begins urinating
          against it. He sighs massively, relieved.

          Door slides open to reveal DREADLORD. Larry is now peeing
          directly on Dreadlord. Beat of horrified silence.

                              LARRY
                    Uh... how ya doin'?

                              DREADLORD
                    I can't tell. Sort of numb with
                    rage, I guess. Hmm.
                         (looks at his hands.)
                    Interesting. I'll have to go
                    process this. Good day.

          He exits past Larry, who is still urinating.

          END.

          POST-HUH

          Dreadlord sits at his desk in silence, lost in thought. He
          gives a sudden jerk, and looks up. He starts to scream in
          anger, building to a climax. Just before it reaches its
          climax, we cut abruptly.