In space, no one can hear you stream. Troopers is back, with all new episodes for the next three weeks!
By Ben Joseph, Owen Parsons & Patrick Cassels
INT. DREADCRUISER -- CELL BLOCK
Larry slurps out the last of an ENORMOUS JUICE BAG.
Ha! Two minutes! Pay up, Rich.
CUT WIDE: Rich, just entering, puts down his lunch box.
What? I literally just got here.
Where did you get that giant juice bag?
MR. CANKERSCHMIDT (O.S.)
Where's my juice bag?
You drank it already, Mr.
Larry takes a FINAL SIP. His stomach RUMBLES. He keels a
(grumble; in pain)
Oh I have to piss.
Well, somebody jettisoned our
bathroom into space.
That was partially the bathroom's
Try the next floor.
Ugh. That's so far.
(gets up; exits)
It's like my pelvis is juggling a
WHIP UP TO:
INT. HALLWAY -- LEVEL 502
Larry waddles in. There's a door with Dreadtrooper symbol on
it (like a bathroom). Painted next to the door: LEVEL 502.
He arrives at the bathroom door, sighs, and opens it.
HORRIBLE TENTACLES flop out. There's an alien SCREAM.
Larry fights off the tentacles and closes the door. Beat.
TENTACLE MONSTER (VO)
(regular pleasant voice)
Dude! Learn to knock!
Larry, scared, turns & sprints off.
WHIP UP TO FLOOR 503.
Ohmygod I'm gonna be a piss geyser.
As he says this Larry bumps into the PRINCESS, about to
enter the bathroom herself.
Are you going in or what?
Me? Bathroom? No, grossamundo! I
don't do that. My body just, um,
converts waste into muscles.
So you're made of piss?
Larry's bladder RUMBLES.
Okay, just stay here. I'm gonna run
upstairs real quick. Then I'll come
escort you back to the prison wing.
You get how words work, right?
Okay, see you in a sec!
WHIP UP TO FLOOR 504.
Larry gets in line behind LIZARDMAN.
Why did God curse me with only one
Flush, another TROOPER exits the bathroom. Lizardman starts
in; turns to Larry.
Uh... This might take a while. I
have nineteen assholes.
Door closes behind Lizardman.
Ugh! Screw this. Computer! Find me
the closest vacant restroom!
Searching. Searching. Still
Larry GROANS in pain.
Got it. The nearest bathroom is..
You know, over there.
You're not pointing at anything!
You don't have hands!
Sure. Just rub it in.
Agh, I'm too full of juice to deal
WHIP UP TO FLOOR 515
Larry runs in. Two TROOPERS are already standing in line. He
barrels past them.
Excuse me! Sorry! Juice-mergency!
One Dreadtrooper grabs his shoulder, stopping him.
Hey, this is the ladies room! Can't
She points to the bathroom symbol. It's just a Dreadtrooper
in full armor & mask.
DREADTROOPER 1 (O.C.)
WHIP UP TO FLOOR 522
Larry runs in. The door is locked. He bangs on it.
WHO IS IN THERE?
Larry? It's me, Chase. I'm still
duct taped to the toilet.
Ha ha, oh yeah.
Larry walks off giggling.
So you guys gonna let me out, or-
WHIP UP TO FLOOR 531
Larry runs down a hallway. He's not going to make it.
I can't wait! Forgive me door!
He turns to a random door. He unbuckles and begins urinating
against it. He sighs massively, relieved.
Door slides open to reveal DREADLORD. Larry is now peeing
directly on Dreadlord. Beat of horrified silence.
Uh... how ya doin'?
I can't tell. Sort of numb with
rage, I guess. Hmm.
(looks at his hands.)
Interesting. I'll have to go
process this. Good day.
He exits past Larry, who is still urinating.
Dreadlord sits at his desk in silence, lost in thought. He
gives a sudden jerk, and looks up. He starts to scream in
anger, building to a climax. Just before it reaches its
climax, we cut abruptly.