From CH Staff on
A picture is worth a thousand apologies.
By Dan Gurewitch
EXT. BROOKLYN HEIGHTS PROMENADE - DAY A cute couple, MURPH and EMILY, walk along the promenade. EMILY It's so beautiful. Murph sees DAN, a nearby stranger, enjoying the view. MURPH Excuse me, hi. Could you take a picture of us? DAN Oh, yeah, sure thing. MURPH (handing him his iPhone) You just press that button, right there. DAN You got it. Ready? 1... 2... 3. NOTHING. Confused, Dan steps back over to Murph. DAN Um, I don't- I think I pressed the wrong button. MURPH Oh. Yeah, it's this one. DAN I don't know what I did. Ready? 1... 2... 3. (checks image) Wait. My finger was on the lens. EMILY Ha, been there. DAN 1, 2, 3! (awkward pause; frozen smiles) Nope, that was a video. Here we go. Ah, I lost it, the screen. I don't- can you get it back? Dan hands the phone to Murph, who smiles politely, presses a button, and hands it back. Dan lines up another shot. DAN Thanks. You look great. Ready? (FLASH!) Whoop, flash was on. And... (FLASH!) Whoop, still on. Okay, CHEESE! (FLASH!, ON DAN) Whoop, took a picture of myself that time. MURPH Know what, it's fine, I'll just- DAN No no, I got it, I got it. Uh, I turned it off. Murph's eyes widen. He's starting to get angry. DAN Just wait for it to- to come back on, here. What's your password? MURPH 1-5-6-8. DAN Great, all set. I just called 9-1-1 by accident. MURPH What? DAN Say something, they sound worried. Dan holds it to Murph's ear. From here onward, a series of JUMP CUTS of Dan's FUMBLING PHONE APOLOGIES: DAN ("I can't stop it") It's downloading the Best of Gloria Estefan. CUT TO: DAN I'm pretty sure I just canceled your checking account. CUT TO: DAN (showing Emily the phone) It's really cute. You guys look just like Cassiopeia. EMILY That's Google SkyMap. DAN Which filter did you want? Italian, Chinese, [realizing:] I'm on Yelp. CUT TO: DAN Okay, that was a hard reset. Everything is gone. CUT TO: DAN (handing it to Emily) Here you go. EMILY This is an Android. He handed you an iPhone. DAN I don't know. CUT TO: DAN (showing it to Murph) That's a picture of my dick. CUT TO: DAN I think I ate the battery. Emily looks bewildered. DAN (coughing up a BATTERY) Hrrggh, yup, there it is. CUT TO: DAN (doing this) Sorry, I'm holding your phone in a glass of milk. CUT TO: DAN I left your phone in a cab. MURPH How? DAN I WAS DRUNK. CUT TO: DAN (showing it to Murph) That's a picture of your dick. CUT TO: DAN (pointing to SHIFTY GUY ACROSS THE STREET) I just gave that guy over there your identity. CUT TO: DAN This one looks great. EMILY You're standing on it. REVEAL THAT. CUT TO: DAN Ready? 1.. 2... An ASIAN DELIVERY GUY shows up with multiple LARGE BAGS. DELIVERY GUY Sir, your kimchi is here. Ten pounds. MURPH You ordered ten pounds of kimchi by accident? DAN I only meant to order six. MURPH You ordered six pounds of kimchi on purpose?! DAN I'm really sorry. MURPH You're holding my phone in a glass of milk again. REVEAL THAT. CUT TO: DAN Okay, I converted the phone to Orthodox Judaism. REVEAL: The phone has a YARMULKA and PEYOT (HAIR CURLS). CUT TO: DAN (holding up TWO TINY PHONES) Ahh, your phone had babies. CUT TO: DAN I think your phone is taking a shit. REVEAL: A little POOP is emerging from under the phone. MURPH (snatching back the phone) GIVE ME THE PHONE! Give it to me! Thank you! I'll just take the picture myself! Dan SHRUGS and WALKS AWAY. Murph holds out the phone and smiles with Emily. MURPH Ready, baby? 1, 2, 3. ON MURPH & EMILY as the phone flashes. When Murph retracts his arm to look at the photo, it's playing Gloria Estefan's "CONGA" from INSIDE A GLASS OF MILK THAT HE'S HOLDING. SUBMERGED GLORIA ESTEFAN (ON PHONE) Come on shake your body baby, do the conga / I know you can't control yourself any longer- DELIVERY GUY (with TWICE AS MANY BAGS) KIMCHI! MURPH Son of a-! END.