Hardly Working: Can You Take Our Picture?

By

Dan Gurewitch

          EXT. BROOKLYN HEIGHTS PROMENADE - DAY

          A cute couple, MURPH and EMILY, walk along the promenade.

                              EMILY
                    It's so beautiful.

          Murph sees DAN, a nearby stranger, enjoying the view.

                              MURPH
                    Excuse me, hi. Could you take a
                    picture of us?

                              DAN
                    Oh, yeah, sure thing.

                              MURPH
                         (handing him his iPhone)
                    You just press that button, right
                    there.

                              DAN
                    You got it. Ready? 1... 2... 3.

          NOTHING. Confused, Dan steps back over to Murph.

                              DAN
                    Um, I don't- I think I pressed the
                    wrong button.

                              MURPH
                    Oh. Yeah, it's this one.

                              DAN
                    I don't know what I did. Ready?
                    1... 2... 3.
                         (checks image)
                    Wait. My finger was on the lens.

                              EMILY
                    Ha, been there.

                              DAN
                    1, 2, 3!
                         (awkward pause; frozen smiles)
                    Nope, that was a video. Here we go.
                    Ah, I lost it, the screen. I don't-
                    can you get it back?

          Dan hands the phone to Murph, who smiles politely, presses a
          button, and hands it back. Dan lines up another shot.

                              DAN
                    Thanks. You look great. Ready?
                         (FLASH!)
                    Whoop, flash was on. And...
                         (FLASH!)
                    Whoop, still on. Okay, CHEESE!
                         (FLASH!, ON DAN)
                    Whoop, took a picture of myself
                    that time.

                              MURPH
                    Know what, it's fine, I'll just-

                              DAN
                    No no, I got it, I got it. Uh, I
                    turned it off.

          Murph's eyes widen. He's starting to get angry.

                              DAN
                    Just wait for it to- to come back
                    on, here. What's your password?

                              MURPH
                    1-5-6-8.

                              DAN
                    Great, all set. I just called 9-1-1
                    by accident.

                              MURPH
                    What?

                              DAN
                    Say something, they sound worried.

          Dan holds it to Murph's ear. From here onward, a series of
          JUMP CUTS of Dan's FUMBLING PHONE APOLOGIES:

                              DAN
                         ("I can't stop it")
                    It's downloading the Best of Gloria
                    Estefan.

          CUT TO:

                              DAN
                    I'm pretty sure I just canceled
                    your checking account.

          CUT TO:

                              DAN
                         (showing Emily the phone)
                    It's really cute. You guys look
                    just like Cassiopeia.

                              EMILY
                    That's Google SkyMap.

                              DAN
                    Which filter did you want? Italian,
                    Chinese, [realizing:] I'm on Yelp.

          CUT TO:

                              DAN
                    Okay, that was a hard reset.
                    Everything is gone.

          CUT TO:

                              DAN
                         (handing it to Emily)
                    Here you go.

                              EMILY
                    This is an Android. He handed you
                    an iPhone.

                              DAN
                    I don't know.

          CUT TO:

                              DAN
                         (showing it to Murph)
                    That's a picture of my dick.

          CUT TO:

                              DAN
                    I think I ate the battery.

          Emily looks bewildered.

                              DAN
                         (coughing up a BATTERY)
                    Hrrggh, yup, there it is.

          CUT TO:

                              DAN
                         (doing this)
                    Sorry, I'm holding your phone in a
                    glass of milk.

          CUT TO:

                              DAN
                    I left your phone in a cab.

                              MURPH
                    How?

                              DAN
                    I WAS DRUNK.

          CUT TO:

                              DAN
                         (showing it to Murph)
                    That's a picture of your dick.

          CUT TO:

                              DAN
                         (pointing to SHIFTY GUY ACROSS
                         THE STREET)
                    I just gave that guy over there
                    your identity.

          CUT TO:

                              DAN
                    This one looks great.

                              EMILY
                    You're standing on it.

          REVEAL THAT.

          CUT TO:

                              DAN
                    Ready? 1.. 2...

          An ASIAN DELIVERY GUY shows up with multiple LARGE BAGS.

                              DELIVERY GUY
                    Sir, your kimchi is here. Ten
                    pounds.

                              MURPH
                    You ordered ten pounds of kimchi by
                    accident?

                              DAN
                    I only meant to order six.

                              MURPH
                    You ordered six pounds of kimchi on
                    purpose?!

                              DAN
                    I'm really sorry.

                              MURPH
                    You're holding my phone in a glass
                    of milk again.
          REVEAL THAT.

          CUT TO:

                              DAN
                    Okay, I converted the phone to
                    Orthodox Judaism.

          REVEAL: The phone has a YARMULKA and PEYOT (HAIR CURLS).

          CUT TO:

                              DAN
                         (holding up TWO TINY PHONES)
                    Ahh, your phone had babies.

          CUT TO:

                              DAN
                    I think your phone is taking a
                    shit.

          REVEAL: A little POOP is emerging from under the phone.

                              MURPH
                         (snatching back the phone)
                    GIVE ME THE PHONE! Give it to me!
                    Thank you! I'll just take the
                    picture myself!

          Dan SHRUGS and WALKS AWAY. Murph holds out the phone and
          smiles with Emily.

                              MURPH
                    Ready, baby? 1, 2, 3.

          ON MURPH & EMILY as the phone flashes. When Murph retracts
          his arm to look at the photo, it's playing Gloria Estefan's
          "CONGA" from INSIDE A GLASS OF MILK THAT HE'S HOLDING.

                              SUBMERGED GLORIA ESTEFAN (ON PHONE)
                    Come on shake your body baby, do
                    the conga / I know you can't
                    control yourself any longer-

                              DELIVERY GUY
                         (with TWICE AS MANY BAGS)
                    KIMCHI!

                              MURPH
                    Son of a-!

          END.