By Dan Gurewitch & Owen Parsons
INT. RUN-DOWN APARTMENT - NIGHT BATMAN lurks through the shadows, speaking into a radio. BATMAN Alfred, I've tracked the thief that stole the Cat's Eye Diamond to her hideout. And it looks like this cat's nine lives... are up. ALFRED Be careful, Batman. Catwoman is very dangerous. BATMAN Not Catwoman - this is an even more devious villain. (puts away radio) Come out where I can see you, CAT LADY! The lights turn on, revealing CAT LADY, a woman in her late 40s, with dirty pants, an old, stretched out sweater, and crazy mussed-up hair, wearing a small black EYE MASK. She's surrounded by a room literally FULL OF HAGGARD CATS. BATMAN Oh, God. So many cats. CAT LADY Well well well, Batman. I must praise your detective work. BATMAN It was simple to trace the theft of the Cat's Eye Diamond... ugh, that smell. I always forget how many cats you have. CAT LADY They like the company and I like the company so it's a win-win. Cats climb all over Batman. He removes them one by one. (They continue harassing him throughout.) BATMAN Okay. Down kitty. Nice kitty. Jesus, so needy. Okay, listen, the jig is up. Give back the diamond! CAT LADY You'll never find the diamond. (to the cat in her arms) Will he, Paul? BATMAN I- that's a people name. (looking around at the cats) Listen, these cats do not look healthy. CAT LADY You should be concerned about your health, Bat Boy. BATMAN No, seriously, are you feeding them enough? They're very skinny. (picking up a SCRAWNY CAT by its scruff) Look at this cat! The cat COUGH-MEWS pathetically. CAT LADY Doodles is just grumpy. Gather 'round, my hungry little guys! Cat Lady pours out a huge ripped bag of food, all over the floor. Cats climb over each other to get at it. BATMAN This is a feeding frenzy! It isn't right! CAT LADY The diamond isn't the only thing I've stolen. Wouldn't you like to- BATMAN (distracted) They have fleas! Batman frantically SCRATCHES on & around his suit. He pulls out the torso section to scratch, revealing a bare BEER GUT. BATMAN I'm gonna have to get a whole new suit. I can't take this to the cleaners, for obvious reasons! CAT LADY Batman, listen to me. I've kidnapped- BATMAN Have they had their shots? Rabies, distemper? And the floor is covered in cat plops! CAT LADY Lucille is scared of the litterbox. (casually PICKING UP SOME CATS to LOOK FOR ANOTHER) Lucille, where are you? Lucille? BATMAN This place is a cesspool. I'm calling the ASPCA! CAT LADY You can't! They're all I have, since the divorce. BATMAN That was in 1995. You need to move on! CAT LADY I'll never find someone who understands me like they do! BATMAN Ugh, lady, what the fuck. I know you need love and attention, but this is no way to fill that void. CAT LADY Oh, I'm not lonely. I have a guest: Commissioner Gordon! Cat Lady PULLS ASIDE A CURTAIN, revealing a gagged COMMISSIONER GORDON, tied to a chair, with DYNAMITE/TICKING TIMER tied to him as well. CATS crawl all over him. BATMAN (pulling more cats off him) Okay, listen. I'm gonna make a Petsmart run, come back with some toys, and food and things. As Batman leaves, Cat Lady yanks the gag out of Gordon's mouth. COMMISSIONER GORDON Batman, hurry! A cat on his chest starts DRY-HEAVING, HAIRBALL-style. COMMISSIONER GORDON These Chinos are new! My wife got me these, this cat's gonna hock hairballs all over them! CHEESY 1960S BAT LOGO TRANSITION TO: INT. RUN-DOWN APARTMENT - LATER Batman returns, with arms full of food and toys, to find the scene as he left it. BATMAN I got Eukanuba! Lamb and rice, it's good for their digestion! COMMISSIONER GORDON (as the timer ticks 5, 4, 3..) Great work, Batman! BATMAN And some heartworm pills from Dr. Mussberger! The apartment EXPLODES. Fifty cats fly through the air. END. TAG: A clip from a tear-jerking commericial. Over the images of the sad animals, BATMAN SINGS "Angel" A CAPELLA. BATMAN (V.O.) In the arms of the angel... END.