INT. RUN-DOWN APARTMENT - NIGHT
BATMAN lurks through the shadows, speaking into a radio.
Alfred, I've tracked the thief that
stole the Cat's Eye Diamond to her
hideout. And it looks like this
cat's nine lives... are up.
Be careful, Batman. Catwoman is
Not Catwoman - this is an even more
(puts away radio)
Come out where I can see you, CAT
The lights turn on, revealing CAT LADY, a woman in her late
40s, with dirty pants, an old, stretched out sweater, and
crazy mussed-up hair, wearing a small black EYE MASK. She's
surrounded by a room literally FULL OF HAGGARD CATS.
Oh, God. So many cats.
Well well well, Batman. I must
praise your detective work.
It was simple to trace the theft of
the Cat's Eye Diamond... ugh, that
smell. I always forget how many
cats you have.
They like the company and I like
the company so it's a win-win.
Cats climb all over Batman. He removes them one by one.
(They continue harassing him throughout.)
Okay. Down kitty. Nice kitty.
Jesus, so needy. Okay, listen, the
jig is up. Give back the diamond!
You'll never find the diamond.
(to the cat in her arms)
Will he, Paul?
I- that's a people name.
(looking around at the cats)
Listen, these cats do not look
You should be concerned about your
health, Bat Boy.
No, seriously, are you feeding them
enough? They're very skinny.
(picking up a SCRAWNY CAT by
Look at this cat!
The cat COUGH-MEWS pathetically.
Doodles is just grumpy. Gather
'round, my hungry little guys!
Cat Lady pours out a huge ripped bag of food, all over the
floor. Cats climb over each other to get at it.
This is a feeding frenzy! It isn't
The diamond isn't the only thing
I've stolen. Wouldn't you like to-
They have fleas!
Batman frantically SCRATCHES on & around his suit. He pulls
out the torso section to scratch, revealing a bare BEER GUT.
I'm gonna have to get a whole new
suit. I can't take this to the
cleaners, for obvious reasons!
Batman, listen to me. I've
Have they had their shots? Rabies,
distemper? And the floor is covered
in cat plops!
Lucille is scared of the litterbox.
(casually PICKING UP SOME CATS
to LOOK FOR ANOTHER)
Lucille, where are you? Lucille?
This place is a cesspool. I'm
calling the ASPCA!
You can't! They're all I have,
since the divorce.
That was in 1995. You need to move
I'll never find someone who
understands me like they do!
Ugh, lady, what the fuck. I know
you need love and attention, but
this is no way to fill that void.
Oh, I'm not lonely. I have a guest:
Cat Lady PULLS ASIDE A CURTAIN, revealing a gagged
COMMISSIONER GORDON, tied to a chair, with DYNAMITE/TICKING
TIMER tied to him as well. CATS crawl all over him.
(pulling more cats off him)
Okay, listen. I'm gonna make a
Petsmart run, come back with some
toys, and food and things.
As Batman leaves, Cat Lady yanks the gag out of Gordon's
A cat on his chest starts DRY-HEAVING, HAIRBALL-style.
These Chinos are new! My wife got
me these, this cat's gonna hock
hairballs all over them!
CHEESY 1960S BAT LOGO TRANSITION TO:
INT. RUN-DOWN APARTMENT - LATER
Batman returns, with arms full of food and toys, to find the
scene as he left it.
I got Eukanuba! Lamb and rice, it's
good for their digestion!
(as the timer ticks 5, 4, 3..)
Great work, Batman!
And some heartworm pills from Dr.
The apartment EXPLODES. Fifty cats fly through the air.
TAG: A clip from a tear-jerking commericial. Over the images
of the sad animals, BATMAN SINGS "Angel" A CAPELLA.
In the arms of the angel...