Batman vs. Cat Lady

By

Dan Gurewitch & Owen Parsons

          INT. RUN-DOWN APARTMENT - NIGHT

          BATMAN lurks through the shadows, speaking into a radio.

                              BATMAN
                    Alfred, I've tracked the thief that
                    stole the Cat's Eye Diamond to her
                    hideout. And it looks like this
                    cat's nine lives... are up.

                              ALFRED
                    Be careful, Batman. Catwoman is
                    very dangerous.

                              BATMAN
                    Not Catwoman - this is an even more
                    devious villain.
                         (puts away radio)
                    Come out where I can see you, CAT
                    LADY!

          The lights turn on, revealing CAT LADY, a woman in her late
          40s, with dirty pants, an old, stretched out sweater, and
          crazy mussed-up hair, wearing a small black EYE MASK. She's
          surrounded by a room literally FULL OF HAGGARD CATS.

                              BATMAN
                    Oh, God. So many cats.

                              CAT LADY
                    Well well well, Batman. I must
                    praise your detective work.

                              BATMAN
                    It was simple to trace the theft of
                    the Cat's Eye Diamond... ugh, that
                    smell. I always forget how many
                    cats you have.

                              CAT LADY
                    They like the company and I like
                    the company so it's a win-win.

          Cats climb all over Batman. He removes them one by one.
          (They continue harassing him throughout.)

                              BATMAN
                    Okay. Down kitty. Nice kitty.
                    Jesus, so needy. Okay, listen, the
                    jig is up. Give back the diamond!

                              CAT LADY
                    You'll never find the diamond.
                         (to the cat in her arms)
                    Will he, Paul?

                              BATMAN
                    I- that's a people name.
                         (looking around at the cats)
                    Listen, these cats do not look
                    healthy.

                              CAT LADY
                    You should be concerned about your
                    health, Bat Boy.

                              BATMAN
                    No, seriously, are you feeding them
                    enough? They're very skinny.
                         (picking up a SCRAWNY CAT by
                         its scruff)
                    Look at this cat!

          The cat COUGH-MEWS pathetically.

                              CAT LADY
                    Doodles is just grumpy. Gather
                    'round, my hungry little guys!

          Cat Lady pours out a huge ripped bag of food, all over the
          floor. Cats climb over each other to get at it.

                              BATMAN
                    This is a feeding frenzy! It isn't
                    right!

                              CAT LADY
                    The diamond isn't the only thing
                    I've stolen. Wouldn't you like to-

                              BATMAN
                         (distracted)
                    They have fleas!

          Batman frantically SCRATCHES on & around his suit. He pulls
          out the torso section to scratch, revealing a bare BEER GUT.

                              BATMAN
                    I'm gonna have to get a whole new
                    suit. I can't take this to the
                    cleaners, for obvious reasons!

                              CAT LADY
                    Batman, listen to me. I've
                    kidnapped-

                              BATMAN
                    Have they had their shots? Rabies,
                    distemper? And the floor is covered
                    in cat plops!

                              CAT LADY
                    Lucille is scared of the litterbox.
                         (casually PICKING UP SOME CATS
                         to LOOK FOR ANOTHER)
                    Lucille, where are you? Lucille?

                              BATMAN
                    This place is a cesspool. I'm
                    calling the ASPCA!

                              CAT LADY
                    You can't! They're all I have,
                    since the divorce.

                              BATMAN
                    That was in 1995. You need to move
                    on!

                              CAT LADY
                    I'll never find someone who
                    understands me like they do!

                              BATMAN
                    Ugh, lady, what the fuck. I know
                    you need love and attention, but
                    this is no way to fill that void.

                              CAT LADY
                    Oh, I'm not lonely. I have a guest:
                    Commissioner Gordon!

          Cat Lady PULLS ASIDE A CURTAIN, revealing a gagged
          COMMISSIONER GORDON, tied to a chair, with DYNAMITE/TICKING
          TIMER tied to him as well. CATS crawl all over him.

                              BATMAN
                         (pulling more cats off him)
                    Okay, listen. I'm gonna make a
                    Petsmart run, come back with some
                    toys, and food and things.

          As Batman leaves, Cat Lady yanks the gag out of Gordon's
          mouth.

                              COMMISSIONER GORDON
                    Batman, hurry!

          A cat on his chest starts DRY-HEAVING, HAIRBALL-style.

                              COMMISSIONER GORDON
                    These Chinos are new! My wife got
                    me these, this cat's gonna hock
                    hairballs all over them!

                             CHEESY 1960S BAT LOGO TRANSITION TO:

          INT. RUN-DOWN APARTMENT - LATER

          Batman returns, with arms full of food and toys, to find the
          scene as he left it.

                              BATMAN
                    I got Eukanuba! Lamb and rice, it's
                    good for their digestion!

                              COMMISSIONER GORDON
                         (as the timer ticks 5, 4, 3..)
                    Great work, Batman!

                              BATMAN
                    And some heartworm pills from Dr.
                    Mussberger!

          The apartment EXPLODES. Fifty cats fly through the air.

          END.

          TAG: A clip from a tear-jerking commericial. Over the images
          of the sad animals, BATMAN SINGS "Angel" A CAPELLA.

                              BATMAN (V.O.)
                    In the arms of the angel...

          END.