Hardly Working: Adult Outbreak

By

Kevin Corrigan

          INT. OFFICE - NIGHT

          KEVIN, ADAM, EMILY and SAM are hanging out during a rainy,
          thundery night.

                              EMILY
                    No my favorite farts are the ones
                    that are like-

          Emily puts her mouth against her arm, rips a big mouth fart.

                              KEVIN
                    Well agree to disagree.

          JOSH enters, dressed surprisingly dapper. He begins to greet
          everyone, shaking Adam's hand, then Sam interrupts.

                              SAM
                    Woaahhh! Look at Mr. Button-Down 
                    over here. What'd you come from a
                    wedding or funeral?

                              JOSH
                    No, just got to thinking, I'm
                    27-years-old. It's time to start
                    acting like an adult, y'know?

                              KEVIN
                    No. I don't know. That's stupid.

                              ADAM
                    Yeah, go away you dumb boring! Go
                    save up a nest egg.

          Josh puts his hands up defensively and leaves.

                              EMILY
                    Who grows up on purpose? Seriously.

                              KEVIN
                    Anyway, we still down to blow up
                    old fruit in the woods with
                    fireworks later?

                              ADAM
                    Ooo sorry. Can't My wife and I are
                    having a dinner party. You should
                    come! It's everyone brings an app
                    night-Oh God.

                              KEVIN
                    Adam what the f**k are you talking
                    about?

                              ADAM
                         (panicked)
                    I don't know. I don't know. I think
                    Josh's adultness got on me. Did you
                    guys know we get 50% 401k matching
                    up to 6%? That's really good in
                    this economy.

          Adam drops to his knees and grabs Emily's leg.

                              ADAM
                    Help-

                              EMILY
                    Get away from me!

                              SAM
                    Oh God, it's contagious. We gotta
                    get out of here before we all turn
                    into boring adults.

          Sam, Emily and Kevin run into the writers room and lock the
          door.

                              KEVIN
                    What do we do. What do we do.

          There's a polite knock on the door. Adam sticks his head up
          to the window. He's now dressed full-on adult style.

                              ADAM
                    You get better interest rates if
                    you keep your savings in a money
                    market account.

                              SAM
                    Think guys. We've had like a
                    thousand conversations about what
                    we'd do in this kind of scenario.

                              KEVIN
                    Break into the 7-11 and drink all
                    the slurpees!

                              EMILY
                    Put a microwave in a refrigerator
                    and see if food stays the same
                    temperature!

                              SAM
                    These are great ideas, but we gotta
                    get out of here first.

                              EMILY
                    God. Adam scratched my leg when he
                    grabbed me. I think it's infected.
                    I'll swing by the Duane Reade for
                    some Neosporin on the way home from
                    work, but how am I supposed to find
                    the time between raising two kids?

          Emily turns around slowly like a creepy horror movie girl.
          She's Mom-styled out and breastfeeding a baby.

                              SAM
                    Emily, what are you doing?

                              EMILY
                    I just figured it was a good time,
                    you know? I mean, Ted's job is
                    stable. I had a lot of vacation
                    time saved up and the bottom line
                    is I'm not getting any younger.

          Sam and Kevin run out of the room screaming.

                              SAM
                    F*****K!

                              ADAM
                    Language.

          Sam punches Adam to death. Adam talks between punches.

                              ADAM
                    Can't we. Discuss this. Like
                    adults. (dead)

          Sam and Kevin run over to PAT at his desk, next to some golf
          clubs.

                              SAM
                    Thank God, Pat. We can use these as
                    weapons.

                              PAT
                    Ohhh! You guys want to go hit some
                    balls after work? I have a coupon.
                    Second bucket is half price.

          Josh, Emily and various other adults start creeping up.

                              KEVIN
                    No, Pat no. Come on, snap out of
                    it. Say something about Terminator
                    2. or Die Hard! Please!

                              PAT
                    Such violent films.

          Sam slaps Kevin.

                              SAM
                    It's too late. The Pat you know is
                    dead. I know a way out, come on.

          Sam and Kevin run to Sam's office. Owen jumps in front of
          them as the adult horde creeps up.

                              OWEN
                    I tell ya. The older I get the
                    easier it is to gain weight and the
                    harder it is to lose it!

          Sam and Kevin scream and dive into Sam's office. Sam opens a
          trap door on the floor behind his desk. The adult horde
          swarms the door.

                              ADULT HORDE
                    Canned soup has way too much sodium
                    / 28? You're past due for a
                    colonoscopy / At least SPF 30.

                              SAM
                    I had a secret passage installed a
                    while back because secret passages
                    are awesome. You'll need this.

          Sam throws Kevin a flashlight. It won't turn on.

                              KEVIN
                    The batteries are dead!

          Adult Sam opens a drawer filled battery.

                              SAM
                    Oh what kind? I got em all here in
                    my battery drawer. There was a sale
                    at Shoprite, so I figured, might as
                    well stock up.

          Adult horde busts in. Thunder crashes. Kevin screams.

          END.

          INT. OFFICE DAY

          Sam, Kevin, Josh, Emily and Pat drink from coffee mugs.

                              JOSH
                    Great time to invest in real estate
                    if you can afford the down payment.

                              KEVIN
                    Yeah but property taxes? Forget it.
                    Thank the democrats for that.

          Reveal Kevin's coffee is actually chocolate milk. He starts
          to pull a water gun from his belt behind his back.

          Black. Water gun firing SFX.

                              SAM (O.C.)
                    Aw, come on this is suede!