From CH Staff on
Growing up is contagious and often fatal.UnsSubscribe ToFrom Hardly Working
By Kevin Corrigan
INT. OFFICE - NIGHT KEVIN, ADAM, EMILY and SAM are hanging out during a rainy, thundery night. EMILY No my favorite farts are the ones that are like- Emily puts her mouth against her arm, rips a big mouth fart. KEVIN Well agree to disagree. JOSH enters, dressed surprisingly dapper. He begins to greet everyone, shaking Adam's hand, then Sam interrupts. SAM Woaahhh! Look at Mr. Button-Down over here. What'd you come from a wedding or funeral? JOSH No, just got to thinking, I'm 27-years-old. It's time to start acting like an adult, y'know? KEVIN No. I don't know. That's stupid. ADAM Yeah, go away you dumb boring! Go save up a nest egg. Josh puts his hands up defensively and leaves. EMILY Who grows up on purpose? Seriously. KEVIN Anyway, we still down to blow up old fruit in the woods with fireworks later? ADAM Ooo sorry. Can't My wife and I are having a dinner party. You should come! It's everyone brings an app night-Oh God. KEVIN Adam what the f**k are you talking about? ADAM (panicked) I don't know. I don't know. I think Josh's adultness got on me. Did you guys know we get 50% 401k matching up to 6%? That's really good in this economy. Adam drops to his knees and grabs Emily's leg. ADAM Help- EMILY Get away from me! SAM Oh God, it's contagious. We gotta get out of here before we all turn into boring adults. Sam, Emily and Kevin run into the writers room and lock the door. KEVIN What do we do. What do we do. There's a polite knock on the door. Adam sticks his head up to the window. He's now dressed full-on adult style. ADAM You get better interest rates if you keep your savings in a money market account. SAM Think guys. We've had like a thousand conversations about what we'd do in this kind of scenario. KEVIN Break into the 7-11 and drink all the slurpees! EMILY Put a microwave in a refrigerator and see if food stays the same temperature! SAM These are great ideas, but we gotta get out of here first. EMILY God. Adam scratched my leg when he grabbed me. I think it's infected. I'll swing by the Duane Reade for some Neosporin on the way home from work, but how am I supposed to find the time between raising two kids? Emily turns around slowly like a creepy horror movie girl. She's Mom-styled out and breastfeeding a baby. SAM Emily, what are you doing? EMILY I just figured it was a good time, you know? I mean, Ted's job is stable. I had a lot of vacation time saved up and the bottom line is I'm not getting any younger. Sam and Kevin run out of the room screaming. SAM F*****K! ADAM Language. Sam punches Adam to death. Adam talks between punches. ADAM Can't we. Discuss this. Like adults. (dead) Sam and Kevin run over to PAT at his desk, next to some golf clubs. SAM Thank God, Pat. We can use these as weapons. PAT Ohhh! You guys want to go hit some balls after work? I have a coupon. Second bucket is half price. Josh, Emily and various other adults start creeping up. KEVIN No, Pat no. Come on, snap out of it. Say something about Terminator 2. or Die Hard! Please! PAT Such violent films. Sam slaps Kevin. SAM It's too late. The Pat you know is dead. I know a way out, come on. Sam and Kevin run to Sam's office. Owen jumps in front of them as the adult horde creeps up. OWEN I tell ya. The older I get the easier it is to gain weight and the harder it is to lose it! Sam and Kevin scream and dive into Sam's office. Sam opens a trap door on the floor behind his desk. The adult horde swarms the door. ADULT HORDE Canned soup has way too much sodium / 28? You're past due for a colonoscopy / At least SPF 30. SAM I had a secret passage installed a while back because secret passages are awesome. You'll need this. Sam throws Kevin a flashlight. It won't turn on. KEVIN The batteries are dead! Adult Sam opens a drawer filled battery. SAM Oh what kind? I got em all here in my battery drawer. There was a sale at Shoprite, so I figured, might as well stock up. Adult horde busts in. Thunder crashes. Kevin screams. END. INT. OFFICE DAY Sam, Kevin, Josh, Emily and Pat drink from coffee mugs. JOSH Great time to invest in real estate if you can afford the down payment. KEVIN Yeah but property taxes? Forget it. Thank the democrats for that. Reveal Kevin's coffee is actually chocolate milk. He starts to pull a water gun from his belt behind his back. Black. Water gun firing SFX. SAM (O.C.) Aw, come on this is suede!