Growing up is contagious and often fatal.
By Kevin Corrigan
INT. OFFICE - NIGHT
KEVIN, ADAM, EMILY and SAM are hanging out during a rainy,
No my favorite farts are the ones
that are like-
Emily puts her mouth against her arm, rips a big mouth fart.
Well agree to disagree.
JOSH enters, dressed surprisingly dapper. He begins to greet
everyone, shaking Adam's hand, then Sam interrupts.
Woaahhh! Look at Mr. Button-Down
over here. What'd you come from a
wedding or funeral?
No, just got to thinking, I'm
27-years-old. It's time to start
acting like an adult, y'know?
No. I don't know. That's stupid.
Yeah, go away you dumb boring! Go
save up a nest egg.
Josh puts his hands up defensively and leaves.
Who grows up on purpose? Seriously.
Anyway, we still down to blow up
old fruit in the woods with
Ooo sorry. Can't My wife and I are
having a dinner party. You should
come! It's everyone brings an app
Adam what the f**k are you talking
I don't know. I don't know. I think
Josh's adultness got on me. Did you
guys know we get 50% 401k matching
up to 6%? That's really good in
Adam drops to his knees and grabs Emily's leg.
Get away from me!
Oh God, it's contagious. We gotta
get out of here before we all turn
into boring adults.
Sam, Emily and Kevin run into the writers room and lock the
What do we do. What do we do.
There's a polite knock on the door. Adam sticks his head up
to the window. He's now dressed full-on adult style.
You get better interest rates if
you keep your savings in a money
Think guys. We've had like a
thousand conversations about what
we'd do in this kind of scenario.
Break into the 7-11 and drink all
Put a microwave in a refrigerator
and see if food stays the same
These are great ideas, but we gotta
get out of here first.
God. Adam scratched my leg when he
grabbed me. I think it's infected.
I'll swing by the Duane Reade for
some Neosporin on the way home from
work, but how am I supposed to find
the time between raising two kids?
Emily turns around slowly like a creepy horror movie girl.
She's Mom-styled out and breastfeeding a baby.
Emily, what are you doing?
I just figured it was a good time,
you know? I mean, Ted's job is
stable. I had a lot of vacation
time saved up and the bottom line
is I'm not getting any younger.
Sam and Kevin run out of the room screaming.
Sam punches Adam to death. Adam talks between punches.
Can't we. Discuss this. Like
Sam and Kevin run over to PAT at his desk, next to some golf
Thank God, Pat. We can use these as
Ohhh! You guys want to go hit some
balls after work? I have a coupon.
Second bucket is half price.
Josh, Emily and various other adults start creeping up.
No, Pat no. Come on, snap out of
it. Say something about Terminator
2. or Die Hard! Please!
Such violent films.
Sam slaps Kevin.
It's too late. The Pat you know is
dead. I know a way out, come on.
Sam and Kevin run to Sam's office. Owen jumps in front of
them as the adult horde creeps up.
I tell ya. The older I get the
easier it is to gain weight and the
harder it is to lose it!
Sam and Kevin scream and dive into Sam's office. Sam opens a
trap door on the floor behind his desk. The adult horde
swarms the door.
Canned soup has way too much sodium
/ 28? You're past due for a
colonoscopy / At least SPF 30.
I had a secret passage installed a
while back because secret passages
are awesome. You'll need this.
Sam throws Kevin a flashlight. It won't turn on.
The batteries are dead!
Adult Sam opens a drawer filled battery.
Oh what kind? I got em all here in
my battery drawer. There was a sale
at Shoprite, so I figured, might as
well stock up.
Adult horde busts in. Thunder crashes. Kevin screams.
INT. OFFICE DAY
Sam, Kevin, Josh, Emily and Pat drink from coffee mugs.
Great time to invest in real estate
if you can afford the down payment.
Yeah but property taxes? Forget it.
Thank the democrats for that.
Reveal Kevin's coffee is actually chocolate milk. He starts
to pull a water gun from his belt behind his back.
Black. Water gun firing SFX.
Aw, come on this is suede!