By Kevin Corrigan & Dan Gurewitch
INT. FAMILY CHAIN RESTAURANT YOU walk through a chain restaurant. YOU (V.O.) Kinda gotta poop, kinda gotta poop, where is the bathroom in this place? Ah. You find the men's room and enter. INT. MEN'S ROOM You start hopping up and down a little. YOU (V.O.) Ooo, now I really gotta poop. It's like my butt knows it's near a toilet. You walk by a urinal. OLD MAN is peeing with his pants and underwear dropped to the floor. YOU (V.O.) Have some decency you old weirdo. You walk further into the bathroom, revealing a long row of bathroom stalls. Every door is closed. YOU (V.O.) Come on! They can't all be full. Let's investigate further. You peek through the door crack. SHITTING GUY stares back. YOU (V.O.) Oh, no, eye contact. I feel like we just molested each other! You walk two stalls over and ever-so-gently push on the door. It opens. YOU (V.O.) Bingo! You see the single-use seat cover dispenser. YOU (V.O.) No time for a seat cover! You sit down on the seat. and sigh in relief. YOU (V.O.) Mmm, the seat is warm. Wait, is that nice or is that gross? You see the door lock, clearly broken. YOU (V.O.) Oh no, no, no, no, there's no lock on the door! OK, there's already poop coming out of my butt so it's too late to switch stalls. Damage control. You reach out to hold the door shut. You relax. YOU (V.O.) Guess I'll be holding this for the rest of the poop. YOU (V.O.) I'm surprised I never poop on my balls. They're right there, but it never happens. The human body is full of wonders. O.C. We hear JASON, a 4-year-old boy, giggle. You lower your vision. REVEAL Jason is crawling under the stall wall. JASON Hi. YOU Ah! JASON'S MOM (O.C.) Jason, get back here! Jason is pulled back under the stall. You breath a sigh of relief. Jason's Mom pokes her head under the stall wall. JASON'S MOM I'm sorry about that. YOU AH! Exit Jason's mom. You relax and pull out your iPhone. YOU (V.O.) Might as well finish out these turds with some Angry Birds. You play for a beat. YOU (V.O.) Annnd done. But I still have three pigs left. Damn. I wish I had to poop more. You put your phone away and grab toilet paper. YOU (V.O.) Single ply? Really? You'd think a family chain restaurant would have more respect for their customer's buttholes. You can't give me 10 alarm chili then expect me to mop it up with this. You go to grab more and the roll ends. YOU (V.O.) SHIT! I'm gonna have to James Bond this, subtly sneak into the next stall without anyone seeing me... You, pants around ankles, waddle to the door and stealthily open it. Old Man is washing his hands, pants still at ankles. He immediately sees you. OLD MAN Have some decency you young deviant! END.