There's nothing natural about nature calling.
By Kevin Corrigan & Dan Gurewitch
INT. FAMILY CHAIN RESTAURANT
YOU walk through a chain restaurant.
Kinda gotta poop, kinda gotta poop,
where is the bathroom in this
You find the men's room and enter.
INT. MEN'S ROOM
You start hopping up and down a little.
Ooo, now I really gotta poop. It's
like my butt knows it's near a
You walk by a urinal. OLD MAN is peeing with his pants and
underwear dropped to the floor.
Have some decency you old weirdo.
You walk further into the bathroom, revealing a long row of
bathroom stalls. Every door is closed.
Come on! They can't all be full.
Let's investigate further.
You peek through the door crack. SHITTING GUY stares back.
Oh, no, eye contact. I feel like we
just molested each other!
You walk two stalls over and ever-so-gently push on the
door. It opens.
You see the single-use seat cover dispenser.
No time for a seat cover! You sit
down on the seat. and sigh in
Mmm, the seat is warm. Wait, is
that nice or is that gross?
You see the door lock, clearly broken.
Oh no, no, no, no, there's no lock
on the door! OK, there's already
poop coming out of my butt so it's
too late to switch stalls. Damage
You reach out to hold the door shut. You relax.
Guess I'll be holding this for the
rest of the poop.
I'm surprised I never poop on my
balls. They're right there, but it
never happens. The human body is
full of wonders.
O.C. We hear JASON, a 4-year-old boy, giggle. You lower your
vision. REVEAL Jason is crawling under the stall wall.
JASON'S MOM (O.C.)
Jason, get back here!
Jason is pulled back under the stall. You breath a sigh of
relief. Jason's Mom pokes her head under the stall wall.
I'm sorry about that.
Exit Jason's mom. You relax and pull out your iPhone.
Might as well finish out these
turds with some Angry Birds.
You play for a beat.
Annnd done. But I still have three
pigs left. Damn. I wish I had to
You put your phone away and grab toilet paper.
Single ply? Really? You'd think a
family chain restaurant would have
more respect for their customer's
buttholes. You can't give me 10
alarm chili then expect me to mop
it up with this.
You go to grab more and the roll ends.
SHIT! I'm gonna have to James Bond
this, subtly sneak into the next
stall without anyone seeing me...
You, pants around ankles, waddle to the door and stealthily
open it. Old Man is washing his hands, pants still at
ankles. He immediately sees you.
Have some decency you young