POV Bathroom

By

Kevin Corrigan & Dan Gurewitch

          INT. FAMILY CHAIN RESTAURANT

          YOU walk through a chain restaurant.

                              YOU (V.O.)
                    Kinda gotta poop, kinda gotta poop,
                    where is the bathroom in this
                    place? Ah.

          You find the men's room and enter.

          INT. MEN'S ROOM

          You start hopping up and down a little.

                              YOU (V.O.)
                    Ooo, now I really gotta poop. It's
                    like my butt knows it's near a
                    toilet.

          You walk by a urinal. OLD MAN is peeing with his pants and
          underwear dropped to the floor.

                              YOU (V.O.)
                    Have some decency you old weirdo.

          You walk further into the bathroom, revealing a long row of
          bathroom stalls. Every door is closed.

                              YOU (V.O.)
                    Come on! They can't all be full.
                    Let's investigate further.

          You peek through the door crack. SHITTING GUY stares back.

                              YOU (V.O.)
                    Oh, no, eye contact. I feel like we
                    just molested each other!

          You walk two stalls over and ever-so-gently push on the
          door. It opens.

                              YOU (V.O.)
                    Bingo!

          You see the single-use seat cover dispenser.

                              YOU (V.O.)
                    No time for a seat cover! You sit
                    down on the seat. and sigh in
                    relief.

                              YOU (V.O.)
                    Mmm, the seat is warm. Wait, is
                    that nice or is that gross?

          You see the door lock, clearly broken.

                              YOU (V.O.)
                    Oh no, no, no, no, there's no lock
                    on the door! OK, there's already
                    poop coming out of my butt so it's
                    too late to switch stalls. Damage
                    control.

          You reach out to hold the door shut. You relax.

                              YOU (V.O.)
                    Guess I'll be holding this for the
                    rest of the poop.

                              YOU (V.O.)
                    I'm surprised I never poop on my
                    balls. They're right there, but it
                    never happens. The human body is
                    full of wonders.

          O.C. We hear JASON, a 4-year-old boy, giggle. You lower your
          vision. REVEAL Jason is crawling under the stall wall.

                              JASON
                    Hi.

                              YOU
                    Ah!

                              JASON'S MOM (O.C.) 
                    Jason, get back here!

          Jason is pulled back under the stall. You breath a sigh of
          relief. Jason's Mom pokes her head under the stall wall.

                              JASON'S MOM
                    I'm sorry about that.

                              YOU
                    AH!

          Exit Jason's mom. You relax and pull out your iPhone.

                              YOU (V.O.)
                    Might as well finish out these
                    turds with some Angry Birds.

          You play for a beat.

                              YOU (V.O.)
                    Annnd done. But I still have three
                    pigs left. Damn. I wish I had to
                    poop more.

          You put your phone away and grab toilet paper.

                              YOU (V.O.)
                    Single ply? Really? You'd think a
                    family chain restaurant would have
                    more respect for their customer's
                    buttholes. You can't give me 10
                    alarm chili then expect me to mop
                    it up with this.

          You go to grab more and the roll ends.

                              YOU (V.O.)
                    SHIT! I'm gonna have to James Bond
                    this, subtly sneak into the next
                    stall without anyone seeing me...

          You, pants around ankles, waddle to the door and stealthily
          open it. Old Man is washing his hands, pants still at
          ankles. He immediately sees you.

                              OLD MAN
                    Have some decency you young
                    deviant!

          END.