Hardly Working: Kovert Krampus

By

Owen Parsons

          INT. OFFICE - WRITER POD - DAY

          Everyone is dressed in XMAS SWEATERS sipping from XMAS MUGS
          as they work. XMAS MUSIC plays. MARINA enters.

                              MARINA
                    Almost time for the holiday party.
                    You know what that means!

          Everyone brightens.

                              EMILY
                    Secret Santa?

                              MARINA
                    No, ya can o'beans! It means...

                              ALL
                    KOVERT KRAMPUS!

          The gang leaps up and rushes across the office to a waiting
          GIFT TABLE. Emily follows uncertainly. As they run:

                              OLD CHRISTMAS ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
                    Yes, Kovert Krampus! Just as St.
                    Nicholas gives gifts to all the
                    good little boys and girls, Alpine
                    folklore tells of the Krampus...
                         (photo montage of Krampus, his
                         wikipedia page. subtitle:
                         "ACTUAL GERMAN MYTH")
                    ... a holly jolly goat beast who
                    travels alongside Santa, maiming
                    and punishing the naughty children.

                              EMILY
                    So... it's LIKE Secret Santa?

                              OWEN
                    Yep. Only instead of buying a gift
                    for someone, we punish them for
                    their lies and transgressions.

                              JOSH
                    With a $20 spending limit.

                              EMILY
                    Wow. A child-abusing monster Santa.
                    Who would come up with that?

                              PAT
                    The Germans-

                              EMILY
                    -Germans, yeah, I see where that
                    joke was going.

                              DAN
                    Chillaxford, Axford. Kovert Krampus
                    is just another holiday tradition.
                    Like mistletoe, or reindeer blood.

          Dan sips from his holiday mug, then lowers it to reveal a
          BIG RED BLOOD MUSTACHE.

                              DAN
                    Let's get this party started!

          CUT TO: Owen stands at the front. Marina has a clipboard.

                              MARINA
                    Who had Owen?

          STREETER approaches with a gift box. Everyone "Awwws." Owen
          opens the box & lifts out a DEAD CAT & CHAIN.

                              OWEN
                    Captain Fudgy Puss? This is my cat!

                              STREETER
                    Yep! I had it killed AND attached
                    to a neck chain so that its rotting
                    odor would constantly remind you of
                    your own rotten, impious soul. I
                    got the chain at J. Crew.

          Owen, crying, fastens the dead cat around his neck.

                              OWEN
                    This is perfect. I'm fucking
                    devastated, man. Thank you so much.

          They hug, emotional music plays. Emily looks confused.

                              OWEN
                    WHYYYY!?

          CUT TO: Adam opens a box. SFX: Insect buzzing.

                              ADAM
                    A sack of wasps! How'd you know?

                              MARINA
                    Well, I did a little digging on
                    your Facebook, and I found...

                              MARINA/ADAM
                    ...your/my list of mortal fears...

                              MARINA
                    and it is the traditional Bavarian
                    punishment for hubris, so...

                              ADAM
                    So much research! Thank you!

          They hug, emotional music plays. Marina puts the sack on
          Adam's head, Adam FLIPS OUT, SCREAMS, cut abruptly to-

          CUT TO: Pat hands Josh a gift.

                              PAT
                    You're always bragging about how
                    good you are at puzzles, so I
                    emailed your girlfriend to see if
                    she had any ideas, and eventually
                    we came up with...

          Pat whips out a photograph of JOSH'S PANICKED GIRLFRIEND IN
          A SMALL METAL ROOM, WAIST-DEEP IN WATER.

                              PAT
                    ...putting her in a steel tank
                    slowly filling with water somewhere
                    in the city. Here's a list of clues
                    to find her.

          Pat hands Josh a scrap of bloody dirty paper.

                              JOSH
                         (pushing Pat playfully)
                    You scamp! You total scamp.
                         (intense, screaming)
                    LINDSEY!

          Josh sprints off.

          CUT TO: Kevin approaches Murph. They both have gifts.
          Sentimental music plays.

                              KEVIN
                    Murph, I want you to know how much
                    I care about you. So I sold my
                    favorite jacket to buy this bat to
                    hit you in the balls with.

          Kevin holds up a TERRIFYING RUSTY NAIL BAT.

                              MURPH
                    But... I sold my balls so I could
                    buy a pillowcase full of fish semen
                    to dunk your favorite jacket in.

          Murph holds up a PILLOWCASE OF FISH SEMEN. Kev & Murph tear
          up and embrace. Everyone else applauds. Emily steps forward.

                              EMILY
                    No. No. This is beyond fucked up.
                    There's nothing heartwarming about
                    inflicting fish semen on your
                    friends! Or whatever Dan's doing!

          Pan to reveal PAT SHIRTLESS STRAPPED TO A TORTURE RACK
          writhing in pain while DAN BLASTS A VUVUZELA in his ears.

                              DAN
                    REMEMBER WHEN THESE WERE A THING?

          He goes back to blasting it in Pat's ears. Vuvuzela noise
          fades out as sentimental music kicks in over Emily.

                              EMILY
                    Christmas isn't about punishing
                    each other. We should celebrate
                    family and friendship and love.
                    Until you've learned that, you
                    don't deserve Christmas.

          Everyone stares shame-faced at their feet.

                              OWEN
                    Wow. You really made us all feel
                    like shit.... this is the greatest
                    Krampus gift I've ever gotten!

                              ALL
                    Thank you / I feel like human
                    garbage / My soul is heavier now.

          Emily shakes her head and walks off. Beat.

                              MARINA
                    Who's got the next gift? Owen?

                              OWEN
                         (pulling out BIG BOLT CUTTERS)
                    All right! Dan, lemme see dem toes!

          He snips the cutters. Dan gleefully pulls his shoes off.