By Owen Parsons
INT. OFFICE - WRITER POD - DAY Everyone is dressed in XMAS SWEATERS sipping from XMAS MUGS as they work. XMAS MUSIC plays. MARINA enters. MARINA Almost time for the holiday party. You know what that means! Everyone brightens. EMILY Secret Santa? MARINA No, ya can o'beans! It means... ALL KOVERT KRAMPUS! The gang leaps up and rushes across the office to a waiting GIFT TABLE. Emily follows uncertainly. As they run: OLD CHRISTMAS ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Yes, Kovert Krampus! Just as St. Nicholas gives gifts to all the good little boys and girls, Alpine folklore tells of the Krampus... (photo montage of Krampus, his wikipedia page. subtitle: "ACTUAL GERMAN MYTH") ... a holly jolly goat beast who travels alongside Santa, maiming and punishing the naughty children. EMILY So... it's LIKE Secret Santa? OWEN Yep. Only instead of buying a gift for someone, we punish them for their lies and transgressions. JOSH With a $20 spending limit. EMILY Wow. A child-abusing monster Santa. Who would come up with that? PAT The Germans- EMILY -Germans, yeah, I see where that joke was going. DAN Chillaxford, Axford. Kovert Krampus is just another holiday tradition. Like mistletoe, or reindeer blood. Dan sips from his holiday mug, then lowers it to reveal a BIG RED BLOOD MUSTACHE. DAN Let's get this party started! CUT TO: Owen stands at the front. Marina has a clipboard. MARINA Who had Owen? STREETER approaches with a gift box. Everyone "Awwws." Owen opens the box & lifts out a DEAD CAT & CHAIN. OWEN Captain Fudgy Puss? This is my cat! STREETER Yep! I had it killed AND attached to a neck chain so that its rotting odor would constantly remind you of your own rotten, impious soul. I got the chain at J. Crew. Owen, crying, fastens the dead cat around his neck. OWEN This is perfect. I'm fucking devastated, man. Thank you so much. They hug, emotional music plays. Emily looks confused. OWEN WHYYYY!? CUT TO: Adam opens a box. SFX: Insect buzzing. ADAM A sack of wasps! How'd you know? MARINA Well, I did a little digging on your Facebook, and I found... MARINA/ADAM ...your/my list of mortal fears... MARINA and it is the traditional Bavarian punishment for hubris, so... ADAM So much research! Thank you! They hug, emotional music plays. Marina puts the sack on Adam's head, Adam FLIPS OUT, SCREAMS, cut abruptly to- CUT TO: Pat hands Josh a gift. PAT You're always bragging about how good you are at puzzles, so I emailed your girlfriend to see if she had any ideas, and eventually we came up with... Pat whips out a photograph of JOSH'S PANICKED GIRLFRIEND IN A SMALL METAL ROOM, WAIST-DEEP IN WATER. PAT ...putting her in a steel tank slowly filling with water somewhere in the city. Here's a list of clues to find her. Pat hands Josh a scrap of bloody dirty paper. JOSH (pushing Pat playfully) You scamp! You total scamp. (intense, screaming) LINDSEY! Josh sprints off. CUT TO: Kevin approaches Murph. They both have gifts. Sentimental music plays. KEVIN Murph, I want you to know how much I care about you. So I sold my favorite jacket to buy this bat to hit you in the balls with. Kevin holds up a TERRIFYING RUSTY NAIL BAT. MURPH But... I sold my balls so I could buy a pillowcase full of fish semen to dunk your favorite jacket in. Murph holds up a PILLOWCASE OF FISH SEMEN. Kev & Murph tear up and embrace. Everyone else applauds. Emily steps forward. EMILY No. No. This is beyond fucked up. There's nothing heartwarming about inflicting fish semen on your friends! Or whatever Dan's doing! Pan to reveal PAT SHIRTLESS STRAPPED TO A TORTURE RACK writhing in pain while DAN BLASTS A VUVUZELA in his ears. DAN REMEMBER WHEN THESE WERE A THING? He goes back to blasting it in Pat's ears. Vuvuzela noise fades out as sentimental music kicks in over Emily. EMILY Christmas isn't about punishing each other. We should celebrate family and friendship and love. Until you've learned that, you don't deserve Christmas. Everyone stares shame-faced at their feet. OWEN Wow. You really made us all feel like shit.... this is the greatest Krampus gift I've ever gotten! ALL Thank you / I feel like human garbage / My soul is heavier now. Emily shakes her head and walks off. Beat. MARINA Who's got the next gift? Owen? OWEN (pulling out BIG BOLT CUTTERS) All right! Dan, lemme see dem toes! He snips the cutters. Dan gleefully pulls his shoes off.