You better watch out.
By Owen Parsons
INT. OFFICE - WRITER POD - DAY
Everyone is dressed in XMAS SWEATERS sipping from XMAS MUGS
as they work. XMAS MUSIC plays. MARINA enters.
Almost time for the holiday party.
You know what that means!
No, ya can o'beans! It means...
The gang leaps up and rushes across the office to a waiting
GIFT TABLE. Emily follows uncertainly. As they run:
OLD CHRISTMAS ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Yes, Kovert Krampus! Just as St.
Nicholas gives gifts to all the
good little boys and girls, Alpine
folklore tells of the Krampus...
(photo montage of Krampus, his
wikipedia page. subtitle:
"ACTUAL GERMAN MYTH")
... a holly jolly goat beast who
travels alongside Santa, maiming
and punishing the naughty children.
So... it's LIKE Secret Santa?
Yep. Only instead of buying a gift
for someone, we punish them for
their lies and transgressions.
With a $20 spending limit.
Wow. A child-abusing monster Santa.
Who would come up with that?
-Germans, yeah, I see where that
joke was going.
Chillaxford, Axford. Kovert Krampus
is just another holiday tradition.
Like mistletoe, or reindeer blood.
Dan sips from his holiday mug, then lowers it to reveal a
BIG RED BLOOD MUSTACHE.
Let's get this party started!
CUT TO: Owen stands at the front. Marina has a clipboard.
Who had Owen?
STREETER approaches with a gift box. Everyone "Awwws." Owen
opens the box & lifts out a DEAD CAT & CHAIN.
Captain Fudgy Puss? This is my cat!
Yep! I had it killed AND attached
to a neck chain so that its rotting
odor would constantly remind you of
your own rotten, impious soul. I
got the chain at J. Crew.
Owen, crying, fastens the dead cat around his neck.
This is perfect. I'm fucking
devastated, man. Thank you so much.
They hug, emotional music plays. Emily looks confused.
CUT TO: Adam opens a box. SFX: Insect buzzing.
A sack of wasps! How'd you know?
Well, I did a little digging on
your Facebook, and I found...
...your/my list of mortal fears...
and it is the traditional Bavarian
punishment for hubris, so...
So much research! Thank you!
They hug, emotional music plays. Marina puts the sack on
Adam's head, Adam FLIPS OUT, SCREAMS, cut abruptly to-
CUT TO: Pat hands Josh a gift.
You're always bragging about how
good you are at puzzles, so I
emailed your girlfriend to see if
she had any ideas, and eventually
we came up with...
Pat whips out a photograph of JOSH'S PANICKED GIRLFRIEND IN
A SMALL METAL ROOM, WAIST-DEEP IN WATER.
...putting her in a steel tank
slowly filling with water somewhere
in the city. Here's a list of clues
to find her.
Pat hands Josh a scrap of bloody dirty paper.
(pushing Pat playfully)
You scamp! You total scamp.
Josh sprints off.
CUT TO: Kevin approaches Murph. They both have gifts.
Sentimental music plays.
Murph, I want you to know how much
I care about you. So I sold my
favorite jacket to buy this bat to
hit you in the balls with.
Kevin holds up a TERRIFYING RUSTY NAIL BAT.
But... I sold my balls so I could
buy a pillowcase full of fish semen
to dunk your favorite jacket in.
Murph holds up a PILLOWCASE OF FISH SEMEN. Kev & Murph tear
up and embrace. Everyone else applauds. Emily steps forward.
No. No. This is beyond fucked up.
There's nothing heartwarming about
inflicting fish semen on your
friends! Or whatever Dan's doing!
Pan to reveal PAT SHIRTLESS STRAPPED TO A TORTURE RACK
writhing in pain while DAN BLASTS A VUVUZELA in his ears.
REMEMBER WHEN THESE WERE A THING?
He goes back to blasting it in Pat's ears. Vuvuzela noise
fades out as sentimental music kicks in over Emily.
Christmas isn't about punishing
each other. We should celebrate
family and friendship and love.
Until you've learned that, you
don't deserve Christmas.
Everyone stares shame-faced at their feet.
Wow. You really made us all feel
like shit.... this is the greatest
Krampus gift I've ever gotten!
Thank you / I feel like human
garbage / My soul is heavier now.
Emily shakes her head and walks off. Beat.
Who's got the next gift? Owen?
(pulling out BIG BOLT CUTTERS)
All right! Dan, lemme see dem toes!
He snips the cutters. Dan gleefully pulls his shoes off.