A friend in need is a friend with cheez doodles stuck between his teeth.
By Patrick Cassels & Josh Ruben
INT. NOLL HOLE
OWEN and PAT play Risk. Pat's about to win.
Ohmigod. I've completely surrounded
Siberia. I'm finally gonna win!
A half-eaten, melty Fudgesickle SPLATS onto the Risk board.
Nooooo! Damn it, Darien!
Reveal DARIEN (Josh). He wears a dirty, oversized Taz shirt.
He has a bowl cut and a dirtstache. He's covered in juice
stains. He picks his belly button with a bandaged hand.
Patrick, do you know when my mom's
picking me up? She said 3pm but
it's been 48 hours.
I don't know, Darien.
Hi, I'm Owen.
Hi, I'm Darien! Pat's my friend.
Darien violently shakes Owen's hand. Darien's hand is filled
with blue goop, and it gets all over Owen's hand.
You like Gushers?
My mom was Darien's school
psychologist in 5th grade, and she
started making me hang out with
Pat's mom is the best! We're gonna
get married. Whatcha guys doin'?
We were playing this game but your,
uh, Fudgesickle fell on it.
Ohgosh, there it went...
CLOSE on the board as Darien "cleans" it with his poorly
bandaged hand. The chocolate and pieces get everywhere.
What happened to your hand?
Oh, same old story! I was at Robert
Kaple's birthday and his little
brother slammed the sliding glass
door on it
I'll let you know when you're mom
gets here, Darien. Just go!
Darien waddles away.
He seems, um, nice.
Yeah, until he bites you for
Let's get back into the game. Wait,
where're the dice?
DARIEN, suddenly back, spits the dice onto the table.
Those were the least-sour Warheads
I ever had!
They're not Warheads! We're playing
Oh, can I play?! My parents took
all my toys and games away 'cause
one time I ate the stuff inside my
Strech Armstrong and had to go the
emergency room. Boy was dad peeved!
Why did you come back in here?!
I thought you guys might be
famished. Wanna go sharsies on this
He pulls out a partially wrapped McDonald's cheeseburger.
Thanks, but I'm not hungry.
K, more for me! How 'bout thirsty?
Darien drinks from a huge jug of Hawaiian Punch.
Shouldn't drink too much, though!
Once I was sleeping over at Pat's
and I was too afraid to cross the
hall to use his bathroom so I peed
in his toy trunk.
So you two hung out a lot, huh?
Uhhh, like always! We did
everything togther. Here's us
playing nudie kiss tag when we were
Darien takes out a photo. Pat grabs it.
Okay, Darien! Just go work in your
K, but I drew swastickas on most of
Darien holds up a skillbook filled with violent red
scribbles. He runs away, laughing.
I hate him so much.
I think it's really nice that
you're taking care of him, Pat.
There's an OC SCREAM. EMILY enters, rubbing her hair.
Pat! Your sticky friend just pulled
my hair and left this on my desk!
She holds up a stained, badly written note: "DO YOU LIKE ME,
CIRCLE ONE: PROBABLY NOT." Darien runs in after her.
SHE'S LYING! WHATEVER SHE SAYS
SHE'S LYING! SHE'S A DIRTY DOG
Ugh, no I'm not. And is your hand
stuck in a Pringles can?
He lifts up his hand. It's in a Pringles can.
It's cutting off my circulation!
That's it, Darien! I'm telling your
mom what you did!
Darien starts spinning. Owen gets up and consoles him.
Everyone calm down. You know what?
I think Darien's a nice kid.
You... you do? Really?
Yeah. You're just a little shy. But
I bet underneath the Cheeto stained
fingers and the tooth plaque,
there's a real special guy.
Darien BITES Owen in the arm. Owen SCREAMS. Darien SCREAMS.