Hardly Working: Sticky Kids

By

Patrick Cassels & Josh Ruben

          INT. NOLL HOLE

          OWEN and PAT play Risk. Pat's about to win.

                              PAT
                    Ohmigod. I've completely surrounded
                    Siberia. I'm finally gonna win!

          A half-eaten, melty Fudgesickle SPLATS onto the Risk board.

                              PAT
                    Nooooo! Damn it, Darien!

          Reveal DARIEN (Josh). He wears a dirty, oversized Taz shirt.
          He has a bowl cut and a dirtstache. He's covered in juice
          stains. He picks his belly button with a bandaged hand.

                              DARIEN
                    Patrick, do you know when my mom's
                    picking me up? She said 3pm but
                    it's been 48 hours.

                              PAT
                    I don't know, Darien.

                              OWEN
                    Hi, I'm Owen.

                              DARIEN
                    Hi, I'm Darien! Pat's my friend.
                    Not yours.

          Darien violently shakes Owen's hand. Darien's hand is filled
          with blue goop, and it gets all over Owen's hand.

                              OWEN
                    Ew.

                              DARIEN
                         (licks hand)
                    You like Gushers?

                              PAT
                    My mom was Darien's school
                    psychologist in 5th grade, and she
                    started making me hang out with
                    him.

                              DARIEN
                    Pat's mom is the best! We're gonna
                    get married. Whatcha guys doin'?

                              OWEN
                    We were playing this game but your,
                    uh, Fudgesickle fell on it.

                              DARIEN
                    Ohgosh, there it went...

          CLOSE on the board as Darien "cleans" it with his poorly
          bandaged hand. The chocolate and pieces get everywhere.

                              OWEN
                    What happened to your hand?

                              DARIEN
                    Oh, same old story! I was at Robert
                    Kaple's birthday and his little
                    brother slammed the sliding glass
                    door on it

                              PAT
                    I'll let you know when you're mom
                    gets here, Darien. Just go!

                              DARIEN
                    K bye!

          Darien waddles away.

                              OWEN
                    He seems, um, nice.

                              PAT
                    Yeah, until he bites you for
                    touching him.

                              OWEN
                    Let's get back into the game. Wait,
                    where're the dice?

          DARIEN, suddenly back, spits the dice onto the table.

                              DARIEN
                    Those were the least-sour Warheads
                    I ever had!

                              PAT
                    They're not Warheads! We're playing
                    a game!

                              DARIEN
                    Oh, can I play?! My parents took
                    all my toys and games away 'cause
                    one time I ate the stuff inside my
                    Strech Armstrong and had to go the
                    emergency room. Boy was dad peeved!

          Darien laughs.

                              PAT
                    Why did you come back in here?!

                              DARIEN
                    I thought you guys might be
                    famished. Wanna go sharsies on this
                    burger?

          He pulls out a partially wrapped McDonald's cheeseburger.

                              OWEN
                    Thanks, but I'm not hungry.

                              DARIEN
                    K, more for me! How 'bout thirsty?

          Darien drinks from a huge jug of Hawaiian Punch.

                              DARIEN
                    Shouldn't drink too much, though!
                    Once I was sleeping over at Pat's
                    and I was too afraid to cross the
                    hall to use his bathroom so I peed
                    in his toy trunk.

                              OWEN
                    So you two hung out a lot, huh?

                              DARIEN
                    Uhhh, like always! We did
                    everything togther. Here's us
                    playing nudie kiss tag when we were
                    11.

          Darien takes out a photo. Pat grabs it.

                              PAT
                    Okay, Darien! Just go work in your
                    Math Skillbook!

                              DARIEN
                    K, but I drew swastickas on most of
                    the pages.

          Darien holds up a skillbook filled with violent red
          scribbles. He runs away, laughing.

                              PAT
                    I hate him so much.

                              OWEN
                    I think it's really nice that
                    you're taking care of him, Pat.

          There's an OC SCREAM. EMILY enters, rubbing her hair.

                              EMILY
                    Pat! Your sticky friend just pulled
                    my hair and left this on my desk!

          She holds up a stained, badly written note: "DO YOU LIKE ME,
          CIRCLE ONE: PROBABLY NOT." Darien runs in after her.

                              DARIEN
                    SHE'S LYING! WHATEVER SHE SAYS
                    SHE'S LYING! SHE'S A DIRTY DOG
                    LIARRRRR!

                              EMILY
                         (to Darien)
                    Ugh, no I'm not. And is your hand
                    stuck in a Pringles can?

          He lifts up his hand. It's in a Pringles can.

                              DARIEN
                    It's cutting off my circulation!

                              PAT
                    That's it, Darien! I'm telling your
                    mom what you did!

                              DARIEN
                    NOOOOO.

          Darien starts spinning. Owen gets up and consoles him.

                              OWEN
                    Everyone calm down. You know what?
                    I think Darien's a nice kid.

                              DARIEN
                    You... you do? Really?

                              OWEN
                    Yeah. You're just a little shy. But
                    I bet underneath the Cheeto stained
                    fingers and the tooth plaque,
                    there's a real special guy.

          Darien BITES Owen in the arm. Owen SCREAMS. Darien SCREAMS.