A friend in need is a friend with cheez doodles stuck between his teeth.
By Patrick Cassels & Josh Ruben
INT. NOLL HOLE OWEN and PAT play Risk. Pat's about to win. PAT Ohmigod. I've completely surrounded Siberia. I'm finally gonna win! A half-eaten, melty Fudgesickle SPLATS onto the Risk board. PAT Nooooo! Damn it, Darien! Reveal DARIEN (Josh). He wears a dirty, oversized Taz shirt. He has a bowl cut and a dirtstache. He's covered in juice stains. He picks his belly button with a bandaged hand. DARIEN Patrick, do you know when my mom's picking me up? She said 3pm but it's been 48 hours. PAT I don't know, Darien. OWEN Hi, I'm Owen. DARIEN Hi, I'm Darien! Pat's my friend. Not yours. Darien violently shakes Owen's hand. Darien's hand is filled with blue goop, and it gets all over Owen's hand. OWEN Ew. DARIEN (licks hand) You like Gushers? PAT My mom was Darien's school psychologist in 5th grade, and she started making me hang out with him. DARIEN Pat's mom is the best! We're gonna get married. Whatcha guys doin'? OWEN We were playing this game but your, uh, Fudgesickle fell on it. DARIEN Ohgosh, there it went... CLOSE on the board as Darien "cleans" it with his poorly bandaged hand. The chocolate and pieces get everywhere. OWEN What happened to your hand? DARIEN Oh, same old story! I was at Robert Kaple's birthday and his little brother slammed the sliding glass door on it PAT I'll let you know when you're mom gets here, Darien. Just go! DARIEN K bye! Darien waddles away. OWEN He seems, um, nice. PAT Yeah, until he bites you for touching him. OWEN Let's get back into the game. Wait, where're the dice? DARIEN, suddenly back, spits the dice onto the table. DARIEN Those were the least-sour Warheads I ever had! PAT They're not Warheads! We're playing a game! DARIEN Oh, can I play?! My parents took all my toys and games away 'cause one time I ate the stuff inside my Strech Armstrong and had to go the emergency room. Boy was dad peeved! Darien laughs. PAT Why did you come back in here?! DARIEN I thought you guys might be famished. Wanna go sharsies on this burger? He pulls out a partially wrapped McDonald's cheeseburger. OWEN Thanks, but I'm not hungry. DARIEN K, more for me! How 'bout thirsty? Darien drinks from a huge jug of Hawaiian Punch. DARIEN Shouldn't drink too much, though! Once I was sleeping over at Pat's and I was too afraid to cross the hall to use his bathroom so I peed in his toy trunk. OWEN So you two hung out a lot, huh? DARIEN Uhhh, like always! We did everything togther. Here's us playing nudie kiss tag when we were 11. Darien takes out a photo. Pat grabs it. PAT Okay, Darien! Just go work in your Math Skillbook! DARIEN K, but I drew swastickas on most of the pages. Darien holds up a skillbook filled with violent red scribbles. He runs away, laughing. PAT I hate him so much. OWEN I think it's really nice that you're taking care of him, Pat. There's an OC SCREAM. EMILY enters, rubbing her hair. EMILY Pat! Your sticky friend just pulled my hair and left this on my desk! She holds up a stained, badly written note: "DO YOU LIKE ME, CIRCLE ONE: PROBABLY NOT." Darien runs in after her. DARIEN SHE'S LYING! WHATEVER SHE SAYS SHE'S LYING! SHE'S A DIRTY DOG LIARRRRR! EMILY (to Darien) Ugh, no I'm not. And is your hand stuck in a Pringles can? He lifts up his hand. It's in a Pringles can. DARIEN It's cutting off my circulation! PAT That's it, Darien! I'm telling your mom what you did! DARIEN NOOOOO. Darien starts spinning. Owen gets up and consoles him. OWEN Everyone calm down. You know what? I think Darien's a nice kid. DARIEN You... you do? Really? OWEN Yeah. You're just a little shy. But I bet underneath the Cheeto stained fingers and the tooth plaque, there's a real special guy. Darien BITES Owen in the arm. Owen SCREAMS. Darien SCREAMS.