God's Boss Craig: New Jesus

By

Ben Joseph

          TITLE SEQUENCE: JAZZY MUSIC STINGS over three cards with
          pictures of God, an org chart, and Craig: GOD'S. BOSS.

          INT. GOD'S OFFICE

          Craig pokes his head up through the floor of God's cloud.

                              CRAIG
                    HIYO!

                              GOD
                    AH! Come on, man, don't-

                              CRAIG
                    Sorry! Sorry! But QQ4U: Who's that
                    young guy on staff? Does the magic
                    tricks? Big "Phish Matthews Band"
                    fan, if ya know what I mean?

          Craig, having pulled himself up, mimes smoking a joint.

                              GOD
                    You mean Jesus? My son?

                              CRAIG
                    Son, huh? Nepo-tismo much? Just
                    joshing. What would you say if I
                    told you I found the next Jesus?

                              GOD
                    I would say-

                              CRAIG
                    "-bring him into my office right
                    now and let me meet him?" WHAT? Did
                    we just have mega same-brain?
                    Crazy. Destiny, get in here!

          DESTINY, a Criss Angel-type, enters. He holds up a CARD.

                              DESINTY
                    Is this your card? No, of course
                    not, idiot. It's mine. MINDBLAST!

          He FLICKS IT into God's hands, who barely catches it.

                              DESTINY
                    That's Destiny spelled with three
                    X's, an ampersand, and a small
                    picture of a hydra.

          ANGLE ON the card. It's exactly as described.

                              GOD
                    No other letters, huh?

                              CRAIG
                    You think Jesus's tricks are good,
                    just wait until you see-

          Craig suddenly looks at his wrists. He spins to Destiny, who
          is holding up a GOLD WATCH. Destiny smiles.

                              DESTINY
                         (whispered)
                    Mindblast!

                              CRAIG
                    HOLY CRAP DID YOU SEE THAT? DID YOU
                    SEE WHAT THIS MAGIC MAN JUST DID?!

                              GOD
                    So, we use new Jesus to... steal
                    Rolexes?

                              CRAIG
                    Aftermarket retail? Come on, what
                    are we, immigrants? I'm thinking TV
                    special. Sign some sponsors. I have
                    a bro-nection at Axe who could-

          Craig stops. Destiny has a CARD spinning in mid-air.

                              DESTINY
                         (cheeky shrug)
                    Mindblast?

                              CRAIG
                    DO YOU SEE!? DO SEE WHAT HE'S DOING
                    RIGHT NOW?! Hi, I'm the youth of
                    America. Nicki Minaj who?
                         (beat)
                    Honest question, by the wubs. No
                    idea who that is.

                              GOD
                    Look, Jesus's miracles were
                    helpful. Like feeding the hungry or
                    healing lepers.

                              CRAIG
                    Leopards, huh? Interesting head
                    space. But do Siegfried and Roy...
                    Do they own the whole "big cat"
                    thing? Hmmmm....

          God SIGHS. Spins a tiny GALAXY OFFICE TOY on his desk.

                              GOD
                    He's not right for us. Sorry.

                              CRAIG
                    Well, God, I value your input and
                    HOLY GRIMACE AND FRIES HE'S FLYING.

          REVEAL: Destiny is floating above the floor, kinda.

                              GOD
                    He's not flying. He's standing on
                    one foot. Look at it from my angle.

          Craig starts walking around Destiny.

                              CRAIG
                    WHAT!? LOOK AT HIM! FLYING! LIKE A
                    BIRD! I AM LITERALLY PUKING CUM
                    WITH AMAZEMENT HERE-
                         (sees it)
                    Oh, never mind. You're right.

          Destiny lands sadly.

                              DESTINY
                         (sad)
                    Mindblast.

          Craig SIGHS. He leans into God.

                              CRAIG
                    Look, I'll admit the guyliner is a
                    little off-brand for us. But...
                    He's kind of a must-hire.

                              GOD
                    What?

                              CRAIG
                    Yeah. Me and his Dad go way back.
                    Kingsley Prep LAX, beach cottage in
                    MV, and also I ran over his wife in
                    Aspen. Owe him BIG time for that.

          INT. RANGE ROVER - FLASHBACK

          Craig is in SKI GEAR with COCAINE DUST UNDER HIS NOSE. As he
          backs up his car, he's getting head from a HOOKER. L/3: 1998

                              CRAIG
                         (singing with radio)
                    THE SKY WAS GOLD, IT WAS ROSE, I
                    WAS TAKING SIPS OF IT THROUGH MY N-

          WHAM! The car hits something hard.

                              CRAIG (CONT'D)
                    Oh FUCK I hope that was a penguin.

          Craig sits for a second then starts LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.

          INT. GOD'S OFFICE

          BACK TO PRESENT. Destiny looks HORRIFIED.

                              DESTINY
                    You killed Mom?!?

                              CRAIG
                    EUSTACE! I'm handling this, OK?
                         (with "robot" moves)
                    Hate to activate boss mode here,
                    but he's in. Can you get him on
                    payroll my by the end of the day?

                              GOD
                    Fine. Just... Fine. I'll find
                    something for him to do.

          Craig pushes Destiny out, thanking God as he goes.

                              CRAIG
                    Thank you God. I really appreciate
                    it. Humongoid favor, I know. This
                    is the only time I'll pull rank
                    this quarter. Promise.

          They finally exit. God takes a breath. Craig leans back in.

                              CRAIG (CONT'D)
                    Also we're going to have to fire
                    your hippie stoner son. I mean
                    seriously? Be professional.

          Before God can answer, we CUT TO END CARD: GOD'S BOSS CRAIG!

          EXT. SLUMS OF MUMBAI

          Destiny does a card trick. He's slowly being surrounded by a
          pack of MOANING LEPERS.