From CH Staff on
His miracles are amazing... from certain angles.
By Ben Joseph
TITLE SEQUENCE: JAZZY MUSIC STINGS over three cards with pictures of God, an org chart, and Craig: GOD'S. BOSS. INT. GOD'S OFFICE Craig pokes his head up through the floor of God's cloud. CRAIG HIYO! GOD AH! Come on, man, don't- CRAIG Sorry! Sorry! But QQ4U: Who's that young guy on staff? Does the magic tricks? Big "Phish Matthews Band" fan, if ya know what I mean? Craig, having pulled himself up, mimes smoking a joint. GOD You mean Jesus? My son? CRAIG Son, huh? Nepo-tismo much? Just joshing. What would you say if I told you I found the next Jesus? GOD I would say- CRAIG "-bring him into my office right now and let me meet him?" WHAT? Did we just have mega same-brain? Crazy. Destiny, get in here! DESTINY, a Criss Angel-type, enters. He holds up a CARD. DESINTY Is this your card? No, of course not, idiot. It's mine. MINDBLAST! He FLICKS IT into God's hands, who barely catches it. DESTINY That's Destiny spelled with three X's, an ampersand, and a small picture of a hydra. ANGLE ON the card. It's exactly as described. GOD No other letters, huh? CRAIG You think Jesus's tricks are good, just wait until you see- Craig suddenly looks at his wrists. He spins to Destiny, who is holding up a GOLD WATCH. Destiny smiles. DESTINY (whispered) Mindblast! CRAIG HOLY CRAP DID YOU SEE THAT? DID YOU SEE WHAT THIS MAGIC MAN JUST DID?! GOD So, we use new Jesus to... steal Rolexes? CRAIG Aftermarket retail? Come on, what are we, immigrants? I'm thinking TV special. Sign some sponsors. I have a bro-nection at Axe who could- Craig stops. Destiny has a CARD spinning in mid-air. DESTINY (cheeky shrug) Mindblast? CRAIG DO YOU SEE!? DO SEE WHAT HE'S DOING RIGHT NOW?! Hi, I'm the youth of America. Nicki Minaj who? (beat) Honest question, by the wubs. No idea who that is. GOD Look, Jesus's miracles were helpful. Like feeding the hungry or healing lepers. CRAIG Leopards, huh? Interesting head space. But do Siegfried and Roy... Do they own the whole "big cat" thing? Hmmmm.... God SIGHS. Spins a tiny GALAXY OFFICE TOY on his desk. GOD He's not right for us. Sorry. CRAIG Well, God, I value your input and HOLY GRIMACE AND FRIES HE'S FLYING. REVEAL: Destiny is floating above the floor, kinda. GOD He's not flying. He's standing on one foot. Look at it from my angle. Craig starts walking around Destiny. CRAIG WHAT!? LOOK AT HIM! FLYING! LIKE A BIRD! I AM LITERALLY PUKING CUM WITH AMAZEMENT HERE- (sees it) Oh, never mind. You're right. Destiny lands sadly. DESTINY (sad) Mindblast. Craig SIGHS. He leans into God. CRAIG Look, I'll admit the guyliner is a little off-brand for us. But... He's kind of a must-hire. GOD What? CRAIG Yeah. Me and his Dad go way back. Kingsley Prep LAX, beach cottage in MV, and also I ran over his wife in Aspen. Owe him BIG time for that. INT. RANGE ROVER - FLASHBACK Craig is in SKI GEAR with COCAINE DUST UNDER HIS NOSE. As he backs up his car, he's getting head from a HOOKER. L/3: 1998 CRAIG (singing with radio) THE SKY WAS GOLD, IT WAS ROSE, I WAS TAKING SIPS OF IT THROUGH MY N- WHAM! The car hits something hard. CRAIG (CONT'D) Oh FUCK I hope that was a penguin. Craig sits for a second then starts LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY. INT. GOD'S OFFICE BACK TO PRESENT. Destiny looks HORRIFIED. DESTINY You killed Mom?!? CRAIG EUSTACE! I'm handling this, OK? (with "robot" moves) Hate to activate boss mode here, but he's in. Can you get him on payroll my by the end of the day? GOD Fine. Just... Fine. I'll find something for him to do. Craig pushes Destiny out, thanking God as he goes. CRAIG Thank you God. I really appreciate it. Humongoid favor, I know. This is the only time I'll pull rank this quarter. Promise. They finally exit. God takes a breath. Craig leans back in. CRAIG (CONT'D) Also we're going to have to fire your hippie stoner son. I mean seriously? Be professional. Before God can answer, we CUT TO END CARD: GOD'S BOSS CRAIG! EXT. SLUMS OF MUMBAI Destiny does a card trick. He's slowly being surrounded by a pack of MOANING LEPERS.