His miracles are amazing... from certain angles.
By Ben Joseph
TITLE SEQUENCE: JAZZY MUSIC STINGS over three cards with
pictures of God, an org chart, and Craig: GOD'S. BOSS.
INT. GOD'S OFFICE
Craig pokes his head up through the floor of God's cloud.
AH! Come on, man, don't-
Sorry! Sorry! But QQ4U: Who's that
young guy on staff? Does the magic
tricks? Big "Phish Matthews Band"
fan, if ya know what I mean?
Craig, having pulled himself up, mimes smoking a joint.
You mean Jesus? My son?
Son, huh? Nepo-tismo much? Just
joshing. What would you say if I
told you I found the next Jesus?
I would say-
"-bring him into my office right
now and let me meet him?" WHAT? Did
we just have mega same-brain?
Crazy. Destiny, get in here!
DESTINY, a Criss Angel-type, enters. He holds up a CARD.
Is this your card? No, of course
not, idiot. It's mine. MINDBLAST!
He FLICKS IT into God's hands, who barely catches it.
That's Destiny spelled with three
X's, an ampersand, and a small
picture of a hydra.
ANGLE ON the card. It's exactly as described.
No other letters, huh?
You think Jesus's tricks are good,
just wait until you see-
Craig suddenly looks at his wrists. He spins to Destiny, who
is holding up a GOLD WATCH. Destiny smiles.
HOLY CRAP DID YOU SEE THAT? DID YOU
SEE WHAT THIS MAGIC MAN JUST DID?!
So, we use new Jesus to... steal
Aftermarket retail? Come on, what
are we, immigrants? I'm thinking TV
special. Sign some sponsors. I have
a bro-nection at Axe who could-
Craig stops. Destiny has a CARD spinning in mid-air.
DO YOU SEE!? DO SEE WHAT HE'S DOING
RIGHT NOW?! Hi, I'm the youth of
America. Nicki Minaj who?
Honest question, by the wubs. No
idea who that is.
Look, Jesus's miracles were
helpful. Like feeding the hungry or
Leopards, huh? Interesting head
space. But do Siegfried and Roy...
Do they own the whole "big cat"
God SIGHS. Spins a tiny GALAXY OFFICE TOY on his desk.
He's not right for us. Sorry.
Well, God, I value your input and
HOLY GRIMACE AND FRIES HE'S FLYING.
REVEAL: Destiny is floating above the floor, kinda.
He's not flying. He's standing on
one foot. Look at it from my angle.
Craig starts walking around Destiny.
WHAT!? LOOK AT HIM! FLYING! LIKE A
BIRD! I AM LITERALLY PUKING CUM
WITH AMAZEMENT HERE-
Oh, never mind. You're right.
Destiny lands sadly.
Craig SIGHS. He leans into God.
Look, I'll admit the guyliner is a
little off-brand for us. But...
He's kind of a must-hire.
Yeah. Me and his Dad go way back.
Kingsley Prep LAX, beach cottage in
MV, and also I ran over his wife in
Aspen. Owe him BIG time for that.
INT. RANGE ROVER - FLASHBACK
Craig is in SKI GEAR with COCAINE DUST UNDER HIS NOSE. As he
backs up his car, he's getting head from a HOOKER. L/3: 1998
(singing with radio)
THE SKY WAS GOLD, IT WAS ROSE, I
WAS TAKING SIPS OF IT THROUGH MY N-
WHAM! The car hits something hard.
Oh FUCK I hope that was a penguin.
Craig sits for a second then starts LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.
INT. GOD'S OFFICE
BACK TO PRESENT. Destiny looks HORRIFIED.
You killed Mom?!?
EUSTACE! I'm handling this, OK?
(with "robot" moves)
Hate to activate boss mode here,
but he's in. Can you get him on
payroll my by the end of the day?
Fine. Just... Fine. I'll find
something for him to do.
Craig pushes Destiny out, thanking God as he goes.
Thank you God. I really appreciate
it. Humongoid favor, I know. This
is the only time I'll pull rank
this quarter. Promise.
They finally exit. God takes a breath. Craig leans back in.
Also we're going to have to fire
your hippie stoner son. I mean
seriously? Be professional.
Before God can answer, we CUT TO END CARD: GOD'S BOSS CRAIG!
EXT. SLUMS OF MUMBAI
Destiny does a card trick. He's slowly being surrounded by a
pack of MOANING LEPERS.