By Emily Axford & Brian Murphy
INT. ELF APARTMENT BRIAN stands before a glowing bowl of liquid. ELOWYN stands across from him. Music and lighting mirror the LOTR scene. ELOWYN Look deep within, and the future will reveal itself. He looks into the bowl. It casts a blue glow on his face. ELOWYN And remember: two lines means I'm pregnant, one line means I'm not. Zoom into Brian's face looking scared at the bowl. CUT TO: TITLECARD REVEAL the bowl was on a coffee table. Brian pulls back. Normal lighting. BRIAN Nothing yet. Elowyn looks at a set of instructions for an "Enchanted Pregnancy Well." There's a picture of a happy pregnant elf. ELOWYN It says it takes a few minutes. BRIAN I don't know, maybe we're overreacting. How late are you? ELOWYN A year. I get my period every ten years. BRIAN Right, right. (stressed out) Ugh, we should have never gone off birth control. ELOWYN I know, but it was making me moody! FLASHBACK TO: Elowyn, in Galadriel freakout mode, glows with a blue & black aura, and speaks with a deep echo. ELOWYN All shall love me and despair. Wash out the blender after you use it. BACK TO PRESENT Brian looks PTSD scared. ELOWYN It did give me bigger boobs. Elowyn looks at her boobs. Brian nods. ELOWYN Maybe it's just stress messing with my cycle. BRIAN Oh, yeah! We had those Ring Wraiths move in and they've been filling our hearts with nightmares. Also, they're really loud. A guitar amp turns on and a drummer warms up next door. BRIAN (yelling to next door) Do you have to practice every day? ELOWYN I have so much I want to do before I have kids. Perfect the elixir for invincibility, shoot an arrow through the heart of a dragon- BRIAN Own a suit. ELOWYN My friend Arkenea just had a baby. She used to be a Ranger. Now she has a lifestyle blog. BRIAN And I'm sorry, but I'm not ready to flood my Instagram with baby pictures. ELOWYN I mean, I know it's not ideal, but, I could always eat The Forbidden Herb of the Black Forest. BRIAN We can't do that, my dad's Catholic. Elowyn nods knowingly. ELOWYN (looking on the bright side) Well, it would be a half-elf. So it would have the advantages of both our races. BRIAN I used to play them in D&D - they're awesome. ELOWYN And I think you'd be a great Dad. BRIAN Um, you'd be a great mom. If my mom could talk to me telepathically, I wouldn't have jumped my bike off of Peter Spukowski's roof deck twice. ELOWYN (telepathically) Thank you, baby. They share a quiet moment. BRIAN Hey. We'll make it work. No matter what. ELOWYN (noticing a glow) I think it's ready. They both look at the bowl. Elowyn closes her eyes, ala Galadriel, and Brian stares in, ala Frodo. We don't see the vision in the bowl, just his face, looking increasingly concerned as the music and the glow swell. All of a sudden, the power of it all knocks him back and he falls on the floor. He looks up at Elowyn with a serious face, then: BRIAN (clearly pumped) One line! You're not pregnant! ELOWYN Awesome, I would be such a shitty mom. END.