My Elf Girlfriend: Pregnancy Scare

By

Emily Axford & Brian Murphy

          INT. ELF APARTMENT

          BRIAN stands before a glowing bowl of liquid. ELOWYN stands
          across from him. Music and lighting mirror the LOTR scene.

                              ELOWYN
                    Look deep within, and the future
                    will reveal itself.

          He looks into the bowl. It casts a blue glow on his face.

                              ELOWYN
                    And remember: two lines means I'm
                    pregnant, one line means I'm not.

          Zoom into Brian's face looking scared at the bowl.

                                                CUT TO: TITLECARD

          REVEAL the bowl was on a coffee table. Brian pulls back.
          Normal lighting.

                              BRIAN
                    Nothing yet.

          Elowyn looks at a set of instructions for an "Enchanted
          Pregnancy Well." There's a picture of a happy pregnant elf.

                              ELOWYN
                    It says it takes a few minutes.

                              BRIAN
                    I don't know, maybe we're
                    overreacting. How late are you?

                              ELOWYN
                    A year. I get my period every ten
                    years.

                              BRIAN
                    Right, right.
                         (stressed out)
                    Ugh, we should have never gone off
                    birth control.

                              ELOWYN
                    I know, but it was making me moody!

                                                    FLASHBACK TO:

          Elowyn, in Galadriel freakout mode, glows with a blue &
          black aura, and speaks with a deep echo.

                              ELOWYN
                    All shall love me and despair. Wash
                    out the blender after you use it.

          BACK TO PRESENT

          Brian looks PTSD scared.

                              ELOWYN
                    It did give me bigger boobs.

          Elowyn looks at her boobs. Brian nods.

                              ELOWYN
                    Maybe it's just stress messing with
                    my cycle.

                              BRIAN
                    Oh, yeah! We had those Ring Wraiths
                    move in and they've been filling
                    our hearts with nightmares. Also,
                    they're really loud.

          A guitar amp turns on and a drummer warms up next door.

                              BRIAN
                         (yelling to next door)
                    Do you have to practice every day?

                              ELOWYN
                    I have so much I want to do before
                    I have kids. Perfect the elixir for
                    invincibility, shoot an arrow
                    through the heart of a dragon-

                              BRIAN
                    Own a suit.

                              ELOWYN
                    My friend Arkenea just had a baby.
                    She used to be a Ranger. Now she
                    has a lifestyle blog.

                              BRIAN
                    And I'm sorry, but I'm not ready to
                    flood my Instagram with baby
                    pictures.

                              ELOWYN
                    I mean, I know it's not ideal, but,
                    I could always eat The Forbidden
                    Herb of the Black Forest.

                              BRIAN
                    We can't do that, my dad's
                    Catholic.

          Elowyn nods knowingly.

                              ELOWYN
                         (looking on the bright side)
                    Well, it would be a half-elf. So it
                    would have the advantages of both
                    our races.

                              BRIAN
                    I used to play them in D&D -
                    they're awesome.

                              ELOWYN
                    And I think you'd be a great Dad.

                              BRIAN
                    Um, you'd be a great mom. If my mom
                    could talk to me telepathically, I
                    wouldn't have jumped my bike off of
                    Peter Spukowski's roof deck twice.

                              ELOWYN
                         (telepathically)
                    Thank you, baby.

          They share a quiet moment.

                              BRIAN
                    Hey. We'll make it work. No matter
                    what.

                              ELOWYN
                         (noticing a glow)
                    I think it's ready.

          They both look at the bowl. Elowyn closes her eyes, ala
          Galadriel, and Brian stares in, ala Frodo. We don't see the
          vision in the bowl, just his face, looking increasingly
          concerned as the music and the glow swell. All of a sudden,
          the power of it all knocks him back and he falls on the
          floor. He looks up at Elowyn with a serious face, then:

                              BRIAN
                         (clearly pumped)
                    One line! You're not pregnant!

                              ELOWYN
                    Awesome, I would be such a shitty
                    mom.

          END.