By Elaine Carroll & Sam Reich
INT. APARTMENT - DAY ASHLEY greets MARY-KATE. ASHLEY Hey, M-Cakes! MARY-KATE Oh, don't hug me, I just got my nails did. ASHLEY Oooh, give me the guided tour! Mary-Kate shows us her nails one-by-one in extreme close-ups. MARY-KATE (thumb 1) Okay, so, this is an ornate illustration in the style of Michaelangelo depicting the battle of good and evil as embodied by Comet and Evil Dragon. ASHLEY Mmm. That has some really rich tones. MARY-KATE Yeah, it has some really rich tones. ASHLEY Yeah. MARY-KATE Yeah. MARY-KATE (index finger 2) This one is A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte by George Seurat. Now, Seurat is pretty much the baby daddy of pointillism, so if you look close enough, you'll see that this is made up a bunch of tiny dots. She holds up a microscope for Ashley to peer into. ASHLEY Cute! MARY-KATE (middle finger 3) This one's just tiny dots. ASHLEY Cute! MARY-KATE (ring finger 4) I couldn't decide on this one, so it's half cheese, quarter pepperoni, two slices veggie, and one slice pineapple and ham, just, y'know, for whoever wants it. ASHLEY Dibs on nothing! MARY-KATE (pinky 5) This one's- aw, man, it's already broken. ASHLEY Looks fine to me. MARY-KATE No, it's supposed to light up, so... it's broken. ASHLEY Hash tag pinky problems. MARY-KATE Totally hash tag pinky problems. (thumb 6) This one is a magic eye. ASHLEY I can't see it, it's not working for me, I hate these thi- OMG a triceratops! MARY-KATE (index finger 7) This one is a mirror so my other nails can check themselves out! (whispering with hand over her mouth) My nails are really vain. (realizing she's whispering right to the nails) Oh. Sorry guys. ASHLEY Awkward. MARY-KATE (middle finger 8) On my middle finger is a picture of me giving the middle finger, so when I'm flipping you off, I'm flipping you off! ASHLEY Yo dawg, I heard you like flipping people off... MARY-KATE (ring finger 9) This one's my coke nail- (pinky 10) And this one is an iPod shuffle that plays in my brain. She clicks through silently. Then, finally: MARY-KATE (CONT.) Oooh, Shinaya. ASHLEY Did you get a pedicure too? MARY-KATE (kicking off her shoes) Did I... ASHLEY (gasp) PINK?! MARY-KATE PINK! MARY-KATE AND ASHLEY YAAAY! END.