Very Mary-Kate: Lost in Translation

By

Elaine Carroll & Sam Reich

          INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT

          We're at a fancy dinner party.  A cougar of a HOST, a
          Donatella Versaci-type in a gown and glasses, is already
          raising her glass.

                              HOST
                    Thank you all for coming.  I would
                    like to welcome our distinguished
                    guest, all the way from France, Mr.
                    Olivier Sarkozy.

          Light applause.

                              OLIVIER
                    Really, you would do better to
                    applaud the chef.  These cheese
                    puffs are a better representative
                    of France than I.

          Light laughter.

                              HOST
                    And now, more representatives of
                    France are on their way from the
                    kitchen.

          No laughter.

                              HOST
                         (slamming fist on table)
                    You laughed at HIS joke!

          Olivier sits down, revealing a texting Mary-Kate.  A server
          tries to put down a plate in front of her.

                              MARY-KATE
                         (to server)
                    No thanks.  I'm an airatarian.

                              OLIVIER
                         (turning, offering his hand)
                    Bonjour.  Je ma'appelle Olivier
                    Sarkozy.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Oooh.  Bon Jovi.  Fiona Apple
                    Mary-Kate Olsen.

                              OLIVIER
                    Ah.  American.  My English is...
                    not so good.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Oh, no worries.  Moi Frances est-
                         (clears throat, takes pose)
                    Like, totally awesome.

                              OLIVIER
                    Ha.  Charming.  So-

          Olivier and Mary-Kate speak French from here on.

                              OLIVIER
                         (cont.)
                    How do you know the host?

                              MARY-KATE
                    The little girl is holding a
                    balloon.

                              OLIVIER
                    So... you met at her birthday?  Her
                    birthday party?

                              MARY-KATE
                    August.

                              OLIVIER
                    I could have sworn she was a
                    Capricorn.

                              MARY-KATE
                         (counting off on her fingers)
                    1, 2, 3, 4, 5...

                              OLIVIER
                    Haha, she does pretend to be
                    younger than she is.

          A far away shot of the host from between Mary-Kate and
          Olivier.  She makes eye contact with Olivier and gives a wry
          look.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Where is the dog?

                              OLIVIER
                    Stop it.  She is not a dog.

                              MARY-KATE
                    The dog is in the doghouse.

                              OLIVIER
                    You are terrible.  It is not a
                    doghouse.  Although the interior
                    design does leave something to be
                    desired...

          A wide shot reveals just how gorgeous the interior design
          is.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Where is the hotel?

                              OLIVIER
                    I am staying at the Plaza.

                              MARY-KATE
                    I need a ride to the hotel.

                              OLIVIER
                    You want to come home with me?

                              MARY-KATE
                    I would like to upgrade my hotel
                    room.

                              OLIVIER
                    Upgrade?  To a bed for two?  This
                    is very sudden.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Do you take American Express?

                              OLIVIER
                    I can get on the express train if
                    you can.

          They lean into each other.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Do you have these shoes in a
                    four-in-a-half?

                              OLIVIER
                    I do not own nor have I ever seen
                    such beautiful shoes, nor feet, nor
                    human being.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Does this yacht have a pharmacy?

                              OLIVIER
                    Rest assured that our boat will be
                    rocking so hard that you will need
                    Dramamine.

                              MARY-KATE
                    I may have lost the bet on the
                    horse, but I just bought the horse,
                    so now I own the horse, and you can
                    pay the winning bets to me, thank
                    you very much.

                              OLIVIER
                         (romantically)
                    That does not make any sense in
                    context.

          The host appears behind them.  Olivier pops up.

                              HOST
                    Olivier!

                              OLIVIER
                    I am so sorry, but we must rush
                    out.  I am due at the embassy, for
                    some... international relations.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Before we go, ou est la w.c.?  I
                    have to go throw up some air.

                              OLIVIER
                    My hand?

                              MARY-KATE
                    Merci!

          She throws up in his hand.  Everyone in the party reacts,
          startled.

                              OLIVIER
                         (in French, to himself)
                    I am in love!

          End.