By Elaine Carroll & Sam Reich
INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT We're at a fancy dinner party. A cougar of a HOST, a Donatella Versaci-type in a gown and glasses, is already raising her glass. HOST Thank you all for coming. I would like to welcome our distinguished guest, all the way from France, Mr. Olivier Sarkozy. Light applause. OLIVIER Really, you would do better to applaud the chef. These cheese puffs are a better representative of France than I. Light laughter. HOST And now, more representatives of France are on their way from the kitchen. No laughter. HOST (slamming fist on table) You laughed at HIS joke! Olivier sits down, revealing a texting Mary-Kate. A server tries to put down a plate in front of her. MARY-KATE (to server) No thanks. I'm an airatarian. OLIVIER (turning, offering his hand) Bonjour. Je ma'appelle Olivier Sarkozy. MARY-KATE Oooh. Bon Jovi. Fiona Apple Mary-Kate Olsen. OLIVIER Ah. American. My English is... not so good. MARY-KATE Oh, no worries. Moi Frances est- (clears throat, takes pose) Like, totally awesome. OLIVIER Ha. Charming. So- Olivier and Mary-Kate speak French from here on. OLIVIER (cont.) How do you know the host? MARY-KATE The little girl is holding a balloon. OLIVIER So... you met at her birthday? Her birthday party? MARY-KATE August. OLIVIER I could have sworn she was a Capricorn. MARY-KATE (counting off on her fingers) 1, 2, 3, 4, 5... OLIVIER Haha, she does pretend to be younger than she is. A far away shot of the host from between Mary-Kate and Olivier. She makes eye contact with Olivier and gives a wry look. MARY-KATE Where is the dog? OLIVIER Stop it. She is not a dog. MARY-KATE The dog is in the doghouse. OLIVIER You are terrible. It is not a doghouse. Although the interior design does leave something to be desired... A wide shot reveals just how gorgeous the interior design is. MARY-KATE Where is the hotel? OLIVIER I am staying at the Plaza. MARY-KATE I need a ride to the hotel. OLIVIER You want to come home with me? MARY-KATE I would like to upgrade my hotel room. OLIVIER Upgrade? To a bed for two? This is very sudden. MARY-KATE Do you take American Express? OLIVIER I can get on the express train if you can. They lean into each other. MARY-KATE Do you have these shoes in a four-in-a-half? OLIVIER I do not own nor have I ever seen such beautiful shoes, nor feet, nor human being. MARY-KATE Does this yacht have a pharmacy? OLIVIER Rest assured that our boat will be rocking so hard that you will need Dramamine. MARY-KATE I may have lost the bet on the horse, but I just bought the horse, so now I own the horse, and you can pay the winning bets to me, thank you very much. OLIVIER (romantically) That does not make any sense in context. The host appears behind them. Olivier pops up. HOST Olivier! OLIVIER I am so sorry, but we must rush out. I am due at the embassy, for some... international relations. MARY-KATE Before we go, ou est la w.c.? I have to go throw up some air. OLIVIER My hand? MARY-KATE Merci! She throws up in his hand. Everyone in the party reacts, startled. OLIVIER (in French, to himself) I am in love! End.