Bane Responds to the Super Bowl Blackout

By

Adam Conover & Jeff Rubin

          INT. HIDEOUT

          Bane speaks to camera. The image flickers and shakes.

                              BANE
                    Citizens of New Orleans. Your
                    reckoning is upon you. On Sunday, I
                    struck at the heart of your
                    festering society by plunging your
                    greatest spectacle, the Super Bowl,
                    into darkness.
                         (beat)
                    For THIRTY FIVE whole minutes.
                    I was born into the dark! And for a
                    little over half an hour, the
                    audience dwelt there as well. Half
                    of them!
                    As my plot unfolded, the opressers
                    who had gathered across the country
                    to celebrate gluttony and excess,
                    were DRIVEN MAD by the short delay
                    in their beloved blood sport!
                    As time crawled to standstill,
                    inane football commentators
                    poisoned your brains with useless
                    babble, while your guacamole turned
                    brown in your bowls.
                    You were forced to watch in horror,
                    as your mighty gladiators were
                    reduced to doing pilates on the
                    field of battle!

          We see a clip of this.

                              BANE
                    And the delay unleashed a torrent
                    of advertisements! Women and
                    children wailed and gnashed their
                    teeth, upon being forced to watch
                    that weird Stevie Wonder ad again!
                    Men wept and cried, "What does
                    Danica Patrick have to do with
                    domain names?" And thus, their sins
                    were punished.
                    To ensure that my demands are not
                    ignored, I have taken two hostages.
                    If your corrupt government does not
                    relinquish the reins of power
                    within twenty four hours, you shall
                    never see the other two members of
                    Destiny's Child again. Can you bear
                    to live in such a world?!
                    When you are prepared submit, you
                    may contact me via my new henchman,
                    Ray Lewis!