Mary-Kate is torn between her muscleman and her Frenchman.
By Elaine Carroll & Sam Reich
INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT BODYGUARD hears a scratching at his door. He opens it, revealing MARY-KATE. BODYGUARD Mary-Kate. MARY-KATE Hi, Bodyguard. BODYGUARD Why do I have deja vu? MARY-KATE I didn't give you DV. I don't have any DVs. I've been checked. BODYGUARD Okay. Uh... deja vu is not a venerial disease. MARY-KATE Phew. Because I was lying. Bodyguard shoots her a look. MARY-KATE (CONT.) Anyhooha, I just wanted to let you know that I won't be showing up in the middle of the night anymore. Starting now, after this. BODYGUARD How sad. Why? MARY-KATE Because I have another man in my life. And a lady can't be stealing away to her not boyfriend's house at 3am. It's uncouth. BODYGUARD Uncouth? MARY-KATE Yeah. And I'm totally couth now. Couth to the max. BODYGUARD Okay. MARY-KATE We're in love. It's like I'm a left Minola stiletto, and he's the right. Or I'm both, and he's socks. BODYGUARD How nice for you. MARY-KATE Or he's Jay Z, and I'm Beyonce's butt. Or I'm peanut butter, and he's the trash. BODYGUARD I get it. MARY-KATE So I brought some of your stuff over from my apartment. Here's your toothbrush. BODYGUARD Thanks. MARY-KATE Headphones. Sunglasses. Ectacy pills. BODYGUARD Those aren't mine. MARY-KATE Yeah, but will you stash them for me? Couth, remember? BODYGUARD Sure. MARY-KATE Oh, and is the piano mine or yours? BODYGUARD Yours. Helicopter sounds. HELICOPTER Where are we putting this? MARY-KATE (into walkie talkie) Brain fart. Turn it around. (continuing) Now, this is hard for me to say, but I think we should unfollow each other on Facebook for a while. BODYGUARD Why? MARY-KATE Because it might be painful for you to see status updates like, "Just got a killer massage from my boyfriend," or "Just gave a killer massage to my boyfriend," or "My boyfriend and I just got killer massages from a third party." BODYGUARD I'm not even on Facebook. MARY-KATE Oh, so you want to play it like that? Okay, I get Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. You get Pinterest, Period Tracker, and Bigger Boobs or Bust. BODYGUARD Mary-Kate, we're not breaking up. Just because you have a boyfriend doesn't mean I can't still be your bodyguard. MARY-KATE Oooh. You mean I can have my cake and have sex with different cake? BODYGUARD That's one way to put it. MARY-KATE And you wouldn't be mad at me? Because, you're - like - my best friend. And I wouldn't want you to feel - like - best friendzoned. BODYGUARD Nothing makes me happier than the idea of someone sweeping you off your feet, and away from me. MARY-KATE You are so sweet. Can I give you a little kiss? Bodyguard points to his cheek. Mary-Kate grabs his face in his hands and kisses him deeply, with tongue. BODYGUARD (struggling while being kissed) Erp. No. Stop. She stops. MARY-KATE That's for putting up with years and years sexual tension. BODYGUARD (swallowing) Were you hiding an esctacy pill under your tongue? MARY-KATE Oops. You might be awake for six hours. BODYGUARD (sighing, closing door) I'll put on some music. End.