Very Mary-Kate: Breaking Up

By

Elaine Carroll & Sam Reich

          INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT

          BODYGUARD hears a scratching at his door. He opens it,
          revealing MARY-KATE.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Mary-Kate.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Hi, Bodyguard.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Why do I have deja vu?

                              MARY-KATE
                    I didn't give you DV. I don't have
                    any DVs. I've been checked.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Okay. Uh... deja vu is not a
                    venerial disease.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Phew. Because I was lying.

          Bodyguard shoots her a look.

                              MARY-KATE (CONT.)
                    Anyhooha, I just wanted to let you
                    know that I won't be showing up in
                    the middle of the night anymore.
                    Starting now, after this.

                              BODYGUARD
                    How sad. Why?

                              MARY-KATE
                    Because I have another man in my
                    life. And a lady can't be stealing
                    away to her not boyfriend's house
                    at 3am. It's uncouth.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Uncouth?

                              MARY-KATE
                    Yeah. And I'm totally couth now.
                    Couth to the max.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Okay.

                              MARY-KATE
                    We're in love. It's like I'm a left
                    Minola stiletto, and he's the
                    right. Or I'm both, and he's socks.

                              BODYGUARD
                    How nice for you.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Or he's Jay Z, and I'm Beyonce's
                    butt. Or I'm peanut butter, and
                    he's the trash.

                              BODYGUARD
                    I get it.

                              MARY-KATE
                    So I brought some of your stuff
                    over from my apartment. Here's your
                    toothbrush.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Thanks.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Headphones. Sunglasses. Ectacy
                    pills.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Those aren't mine.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Yeah, but will you stash them for
                    me? Couth, remember?

                              BODYGUARD
                    Sure.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Oh, and is the piano mine or yours?

                              BODYGUARD
                    Yours.

          Helicopter sounds.

                              HELICOPTER
                    Where are we putting this?

                              MARY-KATE
                         (into walkie talkie)
                    Brain fart. Turn it around.  
                         (continuing) 
                    Now, this is hard for me to say,
                    but I think we should unfollow each
                    other on Facebook for a while.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Why?

                              MARY-KATE
                    Because it might be painful for you
                    to see status updates like, "Just
                    got a killer massage from my
                    boyfriend," or "Just gave a killer
                    massage to my boyfriend," or "My
                    boyfriend and I just got killer
                    massages from a third party."

                              BODYGUARD
                    I'm not even on Facebook.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Oh, so you want to play it like
                    that? Okay, I get Facebook,
                    Twitter, and Instagram. You get
                    Pinterest, Period Tracker, and
                    Bigger Boobs or Bust.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Mary-Kate, we're not breaking up.
                    Just because you have a boyfriend
                    doesn't mean I can't still be your
                    bodyguard.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Oooh. You mean I can have my cake
                    and have sex with different cake?

                              BODYGUARD
                    That's one way to put it.

                              MARY-KATE
                    And you wouldn't be mad at me?
                    Because, you're - like - my best
                    friend. And I wouldn't want you to
                    feel - like - best friendzoned.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Nothing makes me happier than the
                    idea of someone sweeping you off
                    your feet, and away from me.

                              MARY-KATE
                    You are so sweet. Can I give you a
                    little kiss?

          Bodyguard points to his cheek. Mary-Kate grabs his face in
          his hands and kisses him deeply, with tongue.

                              BODYGUARD
                         (struggling while being
                         kissed)
                    Erp. No. Stop.

          She stops.

                              MARY-KATE
                    That's for putting up with years
                    and years sexual tension.

                              BODYGUARD
                         (swallowing)
                    Were you hiding an esctacy pill
                    under your tongue?

                              MARY-KATE
                    Oops. You might be awake for six
                    hours.

                              BODYGUARD
                         (sighing, closing door)
                    I'll put on some music.

          End.