Mary-Kate is torn between her muscleman and her Frenchman.
By Elaine Carroll & Sam Reich
INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT
BODYGUARD hears a scratching at his door. He opens it,
Why do I have deja vu?
I didn't give you DV. I don't have
any DVs. I've been checked.
Okay. Uh... deja vu is not a
Phew. Because I was lying.
Bodyguard shoots her a look.
Anyhooha, I just wanted to let you
know that I won't be showing up in
the middle of the night anymore.
Starting now, after this.
How sad. Why?
Because I have another man in my
life. And a lady can't be stealing
away to her not boyfriend's house
at 3am. It's uncouth.
Yeah. And I'm totally couth now.
Couth to the max.
We're in love. It's like I'm a left
Minola stiletto, and he's the
right. Or I'm both, and he's socks.
How nice for you.
Or he's Jay Z, and I'm Beyonce's
butt. Or I'm peanut butter, and
he's the trash.
I get it.
So I brought some of your stuff
over from my apartment. Here's your
Headphones. Sunglasses. Ectacy
Those aren't mine.
Yeah, but will you stash them for
me? Couth, remember?
Oh, and is the piano mine or yours?
Where are we putting this?
(into walkie talkie)
Brain fart. Turn it around.
Now, this is hard for me to say,
but I think we should unfollow each
other on Facebook for a while.
Because it might be painful for you
to see status updates like, "Just
got a killer massage from my
boyfriend," or "Just gave a killer
massage to my boyfriend," or "My
boyfriend and I just got killer
massages from a third party."
I'm not even on Facebook.
Oh, so you want to play it like
that? Okay, I get Facebook,
Twitter, and Instagram. You get
Pinterest, Period Tracker, and
Bigger Boobs or Bust.
Mary-Kate, we're not breaking up.
Just because you have a boyfriend
doesn't mean I can't still be your
Oooh. You mean I can have my cake
and have sex with different cake?
That's one way to put it.
And you wouldn't be mad at me?
Because, you're - like - my best
friend. And I wouldn't want you to
feel - like - best friendzoned.
Nothing makes me happier than the
idea of someone sweeping you off
your feet, and away from me.
You are so sweet. Can I give you a
Bodyguard points to his cheek. Mary-Kate grabs his face in
his hands and kisses him deeply, with tongue.
(struggling while being
Erp. No. Stop.
That's for putting up with years
and years sexual tension.
Were you hiding an esctacy pill
under your tongue?
Oops. You might be awake for six
(sighing, closing door)
I'll put on some music.