From CH Staff on
They're weapons of self-destruction.
By Patrick Cassels
INT. OFFICE (BY THE ELEVATORS) PAT, JOSH and MURPH step off the elevator. Pat is holding a half-eaten bag of popcorn. Murph is finishing a soda. PAT Aw man, "Zero Dark Thrity" was the witch's dick, yo! JOSH When they flew those dope choppers into bin Laden's compound?! It was like Modern Warfare 2, without that German kid calling me a homo over Xbox live. PAT The one thing I didn't get is why those prisoners in the beginning bitched out and gave up their Al Queda homeboys. JOSH Uh, because they were being waterboarded, dumbass! Murph loudly SLURPS his soda and, without even thinking, HUCKS the ice-filled cup to the ground really hard. It's senseless destruction. INT. OFFICE (ELSEWHERE 1) -- CONTINUED They turn the corner, still in conversation. PAT That's waterboarding? What's the big flipping deal? If I was a prisoner of the CIA, and I was being baterwoarded [sic], I'd just hold my breath. MURPH Come on, dude. PAT I would! I can hold my breath for a crazy long time. Watch. Pat takes a deep breath, holds it for a split-second, and IMMEDIATELY GASPS FOR AIR. PAT K, I can't do it while you scrotes are watching me, but trust me I'd be fine. The CIA would probably be so impressed they'd straight-up recruit my ass. JOSH Okay, is that why, that why, that last time we went to Splash Down your dumb ass got water up your nose and you got a sinus infection? Murph and Josh BURST OUT LAUGHING. Josh NUT TAPS Pat and exits with Murph. Pat drops his popcorn, and keels over. INT. OFFICE (ELSEWHERE 2) - CONTINUOUS Pat catches up, rubbing his balls. PAT (to Josh) Besides, your lazy ass would probably punk-out once they stopped letting you sleep. JOSH Yeah, right! Sleep deprivation? (mock fear) Oh, you're gonna let me stay up as late as I want? Wow. Uhhhh, thank you, I guess? MURPH I dunno, dude. You'd probably get maaaad sleepy after a few days. JOSH (gets up in Murph's face) 'Cept I wouldn't, 'cept I wouldn't, because I'd just chug six Red Bulls. I'd be Hulking the FUCK out Dwhile all the other prisoners are getting all cranky and junk. PAT Bunch of Tala-bitches! MURPH Dude! What about the loud music? They'd be blasting Papa Roach and driving you frickin' batty. JOSH Uhhhh, you mean the sick heavy metal music?! I'd just rock out to it all night until I won the torture contest. Josh & Pat HIGH FIVE. INT. OFFICE (ELSEWHERE) -- CONTINUOUS OWEN finishes putting some mustard on a sandwich. Josh SMASHES the sandwich. The three continue walking. MURPH Well, while you two choades are sweating your balls off in your cells, I'd be escaping. PAT OHMIGOD! It's a maximum-security CIA Black Site, you dingus! MURPH So the freak what? I'd just ask to take a wiz. They're not gonna follow me into the bathroom. It's against the law. My dad's a lawyer. JOSH Uhhh, disbarred! PAT Really, why? MURPH He hit a kid with his car. Point is, as soon as they're not looking I'd just BOOK IT for the razor wire and climb over. And you guys know I can run. Remember when I outran the security guard at Jamesway? JOSH He caught up to you. MURPH But still that shithead was super winded. INT. OFFICE (BY THEIR DESKS) -- CONTINUOUS They enter and arrive by Pat's desk. PAT Uh, K, you're SOMEHOW over the razor wire. But then you're still in the middle of Guantamabo [sic] Bay! How are you gonna get home? MURPH My brother could pick you up. He just bought a used Toyota Echo. Only 300 thousand miles on it. PAT DUDE! THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS! Pat and Murph get into a pathetic slap fight. JOSH Guys, cut it out! Let's just unwind and light some firecrackers down by Stock Exchange. MURPH/PAT Good idea./Very smart. HARD CUT TO: INT. CIA BLACK SITE -- SAUDI ARABIA -- DAYS LATER The three bros are on their knees, NAKED, in a dusty interrogation room. A CIA INTERROGATOR is punching PAT. PAT I swear I'll tell you anything. Just keep me away from that frickin' puddle! JOSH I swear, it was these two assholes' ideas, sir! I REALLY need a nap. MURPH I'm making a run for it! Murph gets up and runs. He is IMMEDIATELY tackled by two guards who beat the shit out of him. MURPH I'm soooo slow! END.