Hardly Working: Zero Dark Thirty Bros

By

Patrick Cassels

          INT. OFFICE (BY THE ELEVATORS)

          PAT, JOSH and MURPH step off the elevator. Pat is holding a
          half-eaten bag of popcorn. Murph is finishing a soda.

                              PAT
                    Aw man, "Zero Dark Thrity" was the
                    witch's dick, yo!

                              JOSH
                    When they flew those dope choppers
                    into bin Laden's compound?! It was
                    like Modern Warfare 2, without that
                    German kid calling me a homo over
                    Xbox live.

                              PAT
                    The one thing I didn't get is why
                    those prisoners in the beginning
                    bitched out and gave up their Al
                    Queda homeboys.

                              JOSH
                    Uh, because they were being
                    waterboarded, dumbass!

          Murph loudly SLURPS his soda and, without even thinking,
          HUCKS the ice-filled cup to the ground really hard. It's
          senseless destruction.

          INT. OFFICE  (ELSEWHERE 1) -- CONTINUED

          They turn the corner, still in conversation.

                              PAT
                    That's waterboarding? What's the
                    big flipping deal? If I was a
                    prisoner of the CIA, and I was
                    being baterwoarded [sic], I'd just
                    hold my breath.

                              MURPH
                    Come on, dude.

                              PAT
                    I would! I can hold my breath for a
                    crazy long time. Watch.

          Pat takes a deep breath, holds it for a split-second, and
          IMMEDIATELY GASPS FOR AIR.

                              PAT
                    K, I can't do it while you scrotes
                    are watching me, but trust me I'd
                    be fine. The CIA would probably be
                    so impressed they'd straight-up
                    recruit my ass.

                              JOSH
                    Okay, is that why, that why, that
                    last time we went to Splash Down
                    your dumb ass got water up your
                    nose and you got a sinus infection?

          Murph and Josh BURST OUT LAUGHING. Josh NUT TAPS Pat and
          exits with Murph. Pat drops his popcorn, and keels over.

          INT. OFFICE (ELSEWHERE 2) - CONTINUOUS

          Pat catches up, rubbing his balls.

                              PAT
                         (to Josh)
                    Besides, your lazy ass would
                    probably punk-out once they stopped
                    letting you sleep.

                              JOSH
                    Yeah, right! Sleep deprivation?
                         (mock fear)
                    Oh, you're gonna let me stay up as
                    late as I want? Wow. Uhhhh, thank
                    you, I guess?

                              MURPH
                    I dunno, dude. You'd probably get
                    maaaad sleepy after a few days.

                              JOSH
                         (gets up in Murph's face)
                    'Cept I wouldn't, 'cept I wouldn't,
                    because I'd just chug six Red
                    Bulls. I'd be Hulking the FUCK out
                    Dwhile all the other prisoners are
                    getting all cranky and junk.

                              PAT
                    Bunch of Tala-bitches!

                              MURPH
                    Dude! What about the loud music?
                    They'd be blasting Papa Roach and
                    driving you frickin' batty.

                              JOSH
                    Uhhhh, you mean the sick heavy
                    metal music?! I'd just rock out to
                    it all night until I won the
                    torture contest.

          Josh & Pat HIGH FIVE.

          INT. OFFICE (ELSEWHERE) -- CONTINUOUS

          OWEN finishes putting some mustard on a sandwich. Josh
          SMASHES the sandwich. The three continue walking.

                              MURPH
                    Well, while you two choades are
                    sweating your balls off in your
                    cells, I'd be escaping.

                              PAT
                    OHMIGOD! It's a maximum-security
                    CIA Black Site, you dingus!

                              MURPH
                    So the freak what? I'd just ask to
                    take a wiz. They're not gonna
                    follow me into the bathroom. It's
                    against the law. My dad's a lawyer.

                              JOSH
                    Uhhh, disbarred!

                              PAT
                    Really, why?

                              MURPH
                    He hit a kid with his car. Point
                    is, as soon as they're not looking
                    I'd just BOOK IT for the razor wire
                    and climb over. And you guys know I
                    can run. Remember when I outran the
                    security guard at Jamesway?

                              JOSH
                    He caught up to you.

                              MURPH
                    But still that shithead was super
                    winded.

          INT. OFFICE (BY THEIR DESKS) -- CONTINUOUS

          They enter and arrive by Pat's desk.

                              PAT
                    Uh, K, you're SOMEHOW over the
                    razor wire. But then you're still
                    in the middle of Guantamabo [sic]
                    Bay! How are you gonna get home?

                              MURPH
                    My brother could pick you up. He
                    just bought a used Toyota Echo.
                    Only 300 thousand miles on it.

                              PAT
                    DUDE! THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS!

          Pat and Murph get into a pathetic slap fight.

                              JOSH
                    Guys, cut it out! Let's just unwind
                    and light some firecrackers down by
                    Stock Exchange.

                              MURPH/PAT
                    Good idea./Very smart.

          HARD CUT TO:

          INT. CIA BLACK SITE -- SAUDI ARABIA -- DAYS LATER

          The three bros are on their knees, NAKED, in a dusty
          interrogation room. A CIA INTERROGATOR is punching PAT.

                              PAT
                    I swear I'll tell you anything.
                    Just keep me away from that
                    frickin' puddle!

                              JOSH
                    I swear, it was these two assholes'
                    ideas, sir! I REALLY need a nap.

                              MURPH
                    I'm making a run for it!

          Murph gets up and runs. He is IMMEDIATELY tackled by two
          guards who beat the shit out of him.

                              MURPH
                    I'm soooo slow!

          END.