The Oscar creeper sabotages Mary-Kate and Sarkozy's date.
By Elaine Carroll & Sam Reich
INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT MARY-KATE and OLIVIER SARKOZY dine together. MARY-KATE Oooh, this restaurant is beautiful. OLIVIER Almost as beautiful as you. MARY-KATE Threesome? They laugh. PHIL HOFFMAN enters at a waiter. PHIL HOFFMAN Hello and welcome to- What? Mary-Kate? MARY-KATE Phil, what are you doing here? PHIL HOFFMAN What am I- I'm researching a role where I play a waiter. I'm not stalking you. MARY-KATE I didn't say you were. PHIL HOFFMAN Yeah. I mean shit. I mean yeah. Anyways, welcome! Welcome to- lemme just like at your menu - Wines. Welcome to wines! What can I get you? MARY-KATE I'll have the mozzarella tomato basil salad, but with no mozzarella or tomato. PHIL HOFFMAN So... basil? MARY-KATE Ooh, there's basil? I'll have a pea. PHIL HOFFMAN And you sir- oh, sir, my apologi. You have the wrong menu. Phil Hoffman takes Olivier's menu and hands him a clearly handwritten note on a napkin. OLIVIER This says 1. Go, 2. Fuck, and 3. Yourself. PHIL HOFFMAN The fuck is especially good tonight. OLIVIER I will have it. MARY-KATE Phil, can I whisper in your ear real quick? Phil leans over to to her while Olivier remains oblivious. MARY-KATE Phil, you're stalking me, and, you're being rude to my date. PHIL HOFFMAN Oh. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. He's your date? I had no idea. I thought he was a corpse propped up by magic. MARY-KATE Just- behave yourself. Phil abruptly exits. Mary-Kate turns back to Sarkozy. MARY-KATE (CONT.) Sorry. So! Where was I? Ah, yes. She resumes playing on her phone. Phil Hoffman enters with a bottle of wine. PHIL HOFFMAN Would the gentleman care to try the wine? OLIVIER Please. PHIL HOFFMAN Lean back. Phil grabs Sarkozy by the hair, pulls him back in his chair, lays a napkin on his face, and douses him with wine. Sarkozy sits up, spitting. MARY-KATE Phil! You waterboarded him! PHIL HOFFMAN (to Sarkozy) Is it to your liking? OLIVIER (recovering) It's a little dry. PHIL HOFFMAN (pouring wine into his lap) Is that wetter? MARY-KATE Phil! Phil abruptly pulls up a violin. PHIL HOFFMAN (screaming) Any requests? People speak up from nearby tables. WOMAN AT TABLE 1 Chopin! MAN AT TABLE 2 Vivaldi! PHIL HOFFMAN Jaws theme? Jaws theme! Phil does a terrible job of playing the Jaws theme on violin, getting closer and closer to Sarkozy and eventually bumping him repeatedly in the face with his elbow. SARKOZY Ow- that's- please- I- ow- ow- ow... MARY-KATE Phil, quit it! Phil abruptly leaves. A Maitre D enters with a phone. MAITRE D Phone call for you, sir. SARKOZY (into phone) Hello? PHONE (obviously Phil) Hi, this is America. Leave? MARY-KATE (calling) Phil, we can see you behind the dessert tray. A shot from their POV reveals exactly this. PHONE (holding a phone, bending down) No you can't. I'm a cheesecake. Phil enters with some plates. He lays down a single green pea in front of Mary-Kate. PHIL HOFFMAN Foods up! Number one... He lays down a log of human shit in front of Sarkozy. PHIL HOFFMAN ...and number two. SARKOZY Excuse me. I ordered the fuck? Phil leans down into Sarkozy's ear and speaks all together too clearly. PHIL HOFFMAN Oh, I'm sorry sir. You're the fuck? I thought you were shit. MARY-KATE We'll have the check. PHIL HOFFMAN Did you enjoy your time at Wines and will you go out with me? MARY-KATE No. PHIL HOFFMAN Okay, so the bill is a thousand million dollars, deal with that, I'll be in your car. End.