The Oscar creeper sabotages Mary-Kate and Sarkozy's date.
By Elaine Carroll & Sam Reich
INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT
MARY-KATE and OLIVIER SARKOZY dine together.
Oooh, this restaurant is beautiful.
Almost as beautiful as you.
They laugh. PHIL HOFFMAN enters at a waiter.
Hello and welcome to- What?
Phil, what are you doing here?
What am I- I'm researching a role
where I play a waiter. I'm not
I didn't say you were.
Yeah. I mean shit. I mean yeah.
Anyways, welcome! Welcome to- lemme
just like at your menu - Wines.
Welcome to wines! What can I get
I'll have the mozzarella tomato
basil salad, but with no mozzarella
Ooh, there's basil? I'll have a
And you sir- oh, sir, my apologi.
You have the wrong menu.
Phil Hoffman takes Olivier's menu and hands him a clearly
handwritten note on a napkin.
This says 1. Go, 2. Fuck, and 3.
The fuck is especially good
I will have it.
Phil, can I whisper in your ear
Phil leans over to to her while Olivier remains oblivious.
Phil, you're stalking me, and,
you're being rude to my date.
Oh. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. He's
your date? I had no idea. I thought
he was a corpse propped up by
Just- behave yourself.
Phil abruptly exits. Mary-Kate turns back to Sarkozy.
Sorry. So! Where was I? Ah, yes.
She resumes playing on her phone. Phil Hoffman enters with a
bottle of wine.
Would the gentleman care to try the
Phil grabs Sarkozy by the hair, pulls him back in his chair,
lays a napkin on his face, and douses him with wine. Sarkozy
sits up, spitting.
Phil! You waterboarded him!
Is it to your liking?
It's a little dry.
(pouring wine into his lap)
Is that wetter?
Phil abruptly pulls up a violin.
People speak up from nearby tables.
WOMAN AT TABLE 1
MAN AT TABLE 2
Jaws theme? Jaws theme!
Phil does a terrible job of playing the Jaws theme on
violin, getting closer and closer to Sarkozy and eventually
bumping him repeatedly in the face with his elbow.
Ow- that's- please- I- ow- ow-
Phil, quit it!
Phil abruptly leaves. A Maitre D enters with a phone.
Phone call for you, sir.
Hi, this is America. Leave?
Phil, we can see you behind the
A shot from their POV reveals exactly this.
(holding a phone, bending
No you can't. I'm a cheesecake.
Phil enters with some plates. He lays down a single green
pea in front of Mary-Kate.
Foods up! Number one...
He lays down a log of human shit in front of Sarkozy.
...and number two.
Excuse me. I ordered the fuck?
Phil leans down into Sarkozy's ear and speaks all together
Oh, I'm sorry sir. You're the fuck?
I thought you were shit.
We'll have the check.
Did you enjoy your time at Wines
and will you go out with me?
Okay, so the bill is a thousand
million dollars, deal with that,
I'll be in your car.