Very Mary-Kate: Dinner with Hoffman

By

Elaine Carroll & Sam Reich

          INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT

          MARY-KATE and OLIVIER SARKOZY dine together.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Oooh, this restaurant is beautiful.

                              OLIVIER
                    Almost as beautiful as you.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Threesome?

          They laugh. PHIL HOFFMAN enters at a waiter.

                              PHIL HOFFMAN
                    Hello and welcome to- What?
                    Mary-Kate?

                              MARY-KATE
                    Phil, what are you doing here?

                              PHIL HOFFMAN
                    What am I- I'm researching a role
                    where I play a waiter. I'm not
                    stalking you.

                              MARY-KATE
                    I didn't say you were.

                              PHIL HOFFMAN
                    Yeah. I mean shit. I mean yeah.
                    Anyways, welcome! Welcome to- lemme
                    just like at your menu - Wines.
                    Welcome to wines! What can I get
                    you?

                              MARY-KATE
                    I'll have the mozzarella tomato
                    basil salad, but with no mozzarella
                    or tomato.

                              PHIL HOFFMAN
                    So... basil?

                              MARY-KATE
                    Ooh, there's basil? I'll have a
                    pea.

                              PHIL HOFFMAN
                    And you sir- oh, sir, my apologi.
                    You have the wrong menu.

          Phil Hoffman takes Olivier's menu and hands him a clearly
          handwritten note on a napkin.

                              OLIVIER
                    This says 1. Go, 2. Fuck, and 3.
                    Yourself.

                              PHIL HOFFMAN
                    The fuck is especially good
                    tonight.

                              OLIVIER
                    I will have it.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Phil, can I whisper in your ear
                    real quick?

          Phil leans over to to her while Olivier remains oblivious.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Phil, you're stalking me, and,
                    you're being rude to my date.

                              PHIL HOFFMAN
                    Oh. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. He's
                    your date? I had no idea. I thought
                    he was a corpse propped up by
                    magic.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Just- behave yourself.

          Phil abruptly exits. Mary-Kate turns back to Sarkozy.

                              MARY-KATE (CONT.)
                    Sorry. So! Where was I? Ah, yes.

          She resumes playing on her phone. Phil Hoffman enters with a
          bottle of wine.

                              PHIL HOFFMAN
                    Would the gentleman care to try the
                    wine? 

                              OLIVIER
                    Please.

                              PHIL HOFFMAN
                    Lean back.

          Phil grabs Sarkozy by the hair, pulls him back in his chair,
          lays a napkin on his face, and douses him with wine. Sarkozy
          sits up, spitting.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Phil! You waterboarded him!

                              PHIL HOFFMAN
                         (to Sarkozy)
                    Is it to your liking?

                              OLIVIER
                         (recovering)
                    It's a little dry.

                              PHIL HOFFMAN
                         (pouring wine into his lap)
                    Is that wetter?

                              MARY-KATE
                    Phil!

          Phil abruptly pulls up a violin.

                              PHIL HOFFMAN
                         (screaming)
                    Any requests?

          People speak up from nearby tables.

                              WOMAN AT TABLE 1
                    Chopin!

                              MAN AT TABLE 2
                    Vivaldi!

                              PHIL HOFFMAN  
                    Jaws theme? Jaws theme!

          Phil does a terrible job of playing the Jaws theme on
          violin, getting closer and closer to Sarkozy and eventually
          bumping him repeatedly in the face with his elbow.

                              SARKOZY
                    Ow- that's- please- I- ow- ow-
                    ow...

                              MARY-KATE
                    Phil, quit it!

          Phil abruptly leaves. A Maitre D enters with a phone.

                              MAITRE D
                    Phone call for you, sir.

                              SARKOZY
                         (into phone)
                    Hello?

                              PHONE
                         (obviously Phil)
                    Hi, this is America. Leave?

                              MARY-KATE
                         (calling)
                    Phil, we can see you behind the
                    dessert tray.

          A shot from their POV reveals exactly this.

                              PHONE
                         (holding a phone, bending
                         down)
                    No you can't. I'm a cheesecake.

          Phil enters with some plates. He lays down a single green
          pea in front of Mary-Kate.

                              PHIL HOFFMAN
                    Foods up! Number one...

          He lays down a log of human shit in front of Sarkozy.

                              PHIL HOFFMAN
                    ...and number two.

                              SARKOZY
                    Excuse me. I ordered the fuck?

          Phil leans down into Sarkozy's ear and speaks all together
          too clearly.

                              PHIL HOFFMAN
                    Oh, I'm sorry sir. You're the fuck?
                    I thought you were shit.

                              MARY-KATE
                    We'll have the check.

                              PHIL HOFFMAN
                    Did you enjoy your time at Wines
                    and will you go out with me?

                              MARY-KATE
                    No.

                              PHIL HOFFMAN
                    Okay, so the bill is a thousand
                    million dollars, deal with that,
                    I'll be in your car.

          End.