From CH Staff on
The most dramatic performance comes at the climax.
By Dan Gurewitch
INT. BLACK BOX THEATRE SPACE - DAY CALM NARRATOR (V.O.) (with accompanying TITLE) "Everyday Acting." The theatre workshop for real-life situations. VHS-style. Intense, affected, turtlenecked teacher VIRGIL HONEYCUTT stands in a seated circle of FEMALE STUDENTS. VIRGIL I am Virgil Honeycutt, ac-TOR, direc-TOR, and as I am legally required to tell you, Royal Shakespeare Company sexual harassment policy viola-TOR. The students look at each other. Over Virgil's next line, TEXT: "FAKING ORGASM" fades in, then out. VIRGIL (CONT'D) It may be called "faking orgasm," but an actor does not "fake." Find truth in the world around you and convert that world-truth into face- truth and vagina-truth. INTERCUT Virgil teaching and performing example orgasms: VIRGIL (CONT'D) Imagine you're a small child, alone and terrified in the arctic tundra. (performing) "Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah..." (teaching) A pleasantly-surprised tennis player. (performing) "Ah-AHHH! Ah-AHHH!" (teaching) The world's tiniest, saddest ninja. (performing) "Hiy-ooooohhh. Hi-yoooooohhh." (teaching) Old bathroom pipes. (performing) "Uh-uhhhhhhhhhh." (teaching) A skipping iPod. (performing) VIRGIL (CONT'D) "I-love-it-I-love-it-I-love-it-I- love-it-I-love-it-I-love-it-" (teaching) Or one of those Halloween doormats, where you step on it and it's like: (performing) "AAAH-EE-YAAAH-EE-AAAHH-EE-YAAHH!" CUT TO: VIRGIL (CONT'D) Theodore! VIRGIL (CONT'D) Rebecca. VIRGIL Share with us your most primal erotic truth. REBECCA Oh yeah! Oh God! Yeah, yeah, YEAH! VIRGIL Badly done, you're a human landfill. If you don't believe it, why should I? (as she starts to answer) SHH! That was a rhetorical question, wasn't it? (she does it again) SHH! Rhetorical also. CUT TO: He "conducts" VERA & PORTIA, facing each other, in a repetition exercise. VERA & PORTIA "You like that, don't you?" / "Yes." / "You like that, don't you?" / "Yes." / "You like that, don't you?" / "Yes." VIRGIL Pillow talk. These curtains have closed but the show continues, as you lie both with him and to him. (with ENTIRE CLASS) "You were amazing, honey. CUT TO: VIRGIL (CONT'D) Much better than Esteban, the Argentinian guy I met on my semester abroad." VIRGIL (CONT'D) To walk the fine line between pleasure and pain, find your darkest memory. For me, it's the night my mother whispered to me: (weird almost-black voice) Momma ain't comin' back no mo'. So you gotta be strong for momma. It's a hard world out there and momma gonna leave it all behind." CUT TO: TEARS stream down Virgil's face. THE STUDENTS ARE CRYING too. VIRGIL (CONT'D) Now ORGASM! (barking orders) Bite your lip! Arch your back! Shake that leg, Vera! The class erupts into ORGASM NOISES TOGETHER. Finally, Virgil CUTS THEM OFF. SILENCE. He smiles, proud. VIRGIL (CONT'D) Today, you are all actors. Except for you, Rebecca, you're terrible. (to everyone else) Bravo! Bravo! (to Rebecca) Bra-NO. END.