Everyday Acting: Faking an Orgasm

By

Dan Gurewitch

          INT. BLACK BOX THEATRE SPACE - DAY

                              CALM NARRATOR (V.O.)
                         (with accompanying TITLE)
                    "Everyday Acting." The theatre
                    workshop for real-life situations.

          VHS-style. Intense, affected, turtlenecked teacher VIRGIL
          HONEYCUTT stands in a seated circle of FEMALE STUDENTS.

                              VIRGIL
                    I am Virgil Honeycutt, ac-TOR,
                    direc-TOR, and as I am legally
                    required to tell you, Royal
                    Shakespeare Company sexual
                    harassment policy viola-TOR.

          The students look at each other. Over Virgil's next line,
          TEXT: "FAKING ORGASM" fades in, then out.

                              VIRGIL (CONT'D)
                    It may be called "faking orgasm,"
                    but an actor does not "fake." Find
                    truth in the world around you and
                    convert that world-truth into face-
                    truth and vagina-truth.

          INTERCUT Virgil teaching and performing example orgasms:

                              VIRGIL (CONT'D)
                    Imagine you're a small child, alone
                    and terrified in the arctic tundra.
                         (performing)
                    "Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah..."
                         (teaching)
                    A pleasantly-surprised tennis
                    player.
                         (performing)
                    "Ah-AHHH! Ah-AHHH!"
                         (teaching)
                    The world's tiniest, saddest ninja.
                         (performing)
                    "Hiy-ooooohhh. Hi-yoooooohhh."
                         (teaching)
                    Old bathroom pipes.
                         (performing)
                    "Uh-uhhhhhhhhhh."
                         (teaching)
                    A skipping iPod.
                         (performing)

                              

                              VIRGIL (CONT'D)
                    "I-love-it-I-love-it-I-love-it-I-
                    love-it-I-love-it-I-love-it-"
                         (teaching)
                    Or one of those Halloween doormats,
                    where you step on it and it's like:
                         (performing)
                    "AAAH-EE-YAAAH-EE-AAAHH-EE-YAAHH!"

                                                          CUT TO:

                              VIRGIL (CONT'D)
                    Theodore!

                              VIRGIL (CONT'D)
                    Rebecca.

                              VIRGIL
                    Share with us your most primal
                    erotic truth.

                              REBECCA
                    Oh yeah! Oh God! Yeah, yeah, YEAH!

                              VIRGIL
                    Badly done, you're a human
                    landfill. If you don't believe it,
                    why should I?
                         (as she starts to answer)
                    SHH! That was a rhetorical
                    question, wasn't it?
                         (she does it again)
                    SHH! Rhetorical also.

                                                          CUT TO:

          He "conducts" VERA & PORTIA, facing each other, in a
          repetition exercise.

                              VERA & PORTIA
                    "You like that, don't you?" /
                    "Yes." / "You like that, don't
                    you?" / "Yes." / "You like that,
                    don't you?" / "Yes."

                              VIRGIL
                    Pillow talk. These curtains have
                    closed but the show continues, as
                    you lie both with him and to him.
                         (with ENTIRE CLASS)
                    "You were amazing, honey.

                                                          CUT TO:

                              VIRGIL (CONT'D)
                    Much better than Esteban, the
                    Argentinian guy I met on my
                    semester abroad."

                              VIRGIL (CONT'D)
                    To walk the fine line between
                    pleasure and pain, find your
                    darkest memory. For me, it's the
                    night my mother whispered to me:
                         (weird almost-black voice)
                    Momma ain't comin' back no mo'. So
                    you gotta be strong for momma. It's
                    a hard world out there and momma
                    gonna leave it all behind."

                                                          CUT TO:

          TEARS stream down Virgil's face. THE STUDENTS ARE CRYING
          too.

                              VIRGIL (CONT'D)
                    Now ORGASM!
                         (barking orders)
                    Bite your lip! Arch your back!
                    Shake that leg, Vera!

          The class erupts into ORGASM NOISES TOGETHER. Finally,
          Virgil CUTS THEM OFF. SILENCE. He smiles, proud.

                              VIRGIL (CONT'D)
                    Today, you are all actors. Except
                    for you, Rebecca, you're terrible.
                         (to everyone else)
                    Bravo! Bravo!
                         (to Rebecca)
                    Bra-NO.

          END.