Very Mary-Kate: Instagram

By

Elaine Carroll & Sam Reich

          INT. KITCHEN - DAY

          BODYGUARD and MARY-KATE are at the counter. Bodyguard turns
          around with a drink.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Your diet diuretic daiquiri is
                    ready.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Oooh, what a skinny little
                    umbrella. Oh, look, it goes with my
                    skinny little dress!

                              BODYGUARD
                    Cute.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Take a picture of me for Instagram?

          She hands him her phone.

                              BODYGUARD

          Okay. She makes a face that's somehow even more ducky.
          Bodyguard snaps a photo. He hands her back the phone.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Hmm. I don't love it. Can I have a
                    take two?

                              BODYGUARD
                    Sure.

          She claps her hands. Ten CREW MEMBERS immediately swarm her.
          The following dialogue is performed lightning fast, as in a
          David Mamet movie.

                              DIRECTOR
                         (entering)
                    This is it, people!

                              ASST. DIRECTOR
                         (entering)
                    Five minutes!

                              GAFFER
                         (entering, with lights)
                    Hot points!

                              ASST. DIRECTOR
                         (to Mary-Kate)
                    You can take five.

          Mary-Kate stands up.

                              MAKE-UP ARTIST
                         (entering, to director)
                    Is this black-and-white?

                              DIRECTOR
                    Valencia.

                              ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
                         (to STAND-IN)
                    Sit there please.

                              STAND-IN
                         (entering, sitting, to Asst.
                         Director)
                    Can you tag me in this?

                              ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
                         (to Stand-In)
                    Are you serious? You're a stand-in.

                              ART DIRECTOR
                         (entering showing off vintage
                         bowling pins to Director)
                    What do you think of these pins?

                              DIRECTOR
                    It's breakfast. Is she eating them?

                              ART DIRECTOR
                    Nix the pins?

                              DIRECTOR
                    You're a genius.

                              GAFFER
                         (to Best Boy)
                    That's in frame.

                              BEST BOY
                    There's no border?

                              GAFFER
                         (showing him a light reader)
                    Nobody uses borders anymore.

                              MAKE-UP ARTIST
                         (to Director)
                    This would look great in X Pro II.

                              DIRECTOR
                         (flatly)
                    VALENCIA.

                              STAND-IN
                         (to Asst. Director)
                    It's just that I'm trying to get
                    more followers...

                              ASST. DIRECTOR
                         (to Stand-In)
                    Take cat pictures.

                              GAFFER
                         (to Best Boy, handing him
                         cord)
                    Weren't you on that Jessica Alba
                    gig?

                              BEST BOY
                         (taking it, laughing)
                    Lena Dunham.

                              GAFFER
                         (excitedly)
                    Dunham!

                              ART DIRECTOR
                         (reentering with a half a
                         cantaloupe)
                    Does this work?

                              DIRECTOR
                         (not looking at it)
                    Is it a breakfast food?

                              ART DIRECTOR
                         (looking at it, confirming)
                    Yes it is.

                              DIRECTOR
                    You must be in Mensa.

                              MAKE-UP ARTIST
                         (to Director)
                    Finished. You said Kelvin, right?

                              DIRECTOR
                         (stern)
                    You're kidding.

                              MAKE-UP ARTIST
                         (light)
                    I'm kidding.

                              DIRECTOR
                         (flat)
                    Hilarious.

                              ASST. DIRECTOR
                         (to Stand-in)
                    You're set.

                              STAND-IN
                         (to Asst. Director)
                    Can I get a copy for Facebook?

                              ASST. DIRECTOR
                    This IS Facebook.

                              ART DIRECTOR
                    Art's set.

                              GAFFER
                         (exiting)
                    Lights are up.

                              BOOM OP
                         (entering)
                    Sound speed.

                              ASST. DIRECTOR
                    It's an Instagram photo.

                              BOOM OP
                         (exiting)
                    Copy that.

                              DIRECTOR
                    And action!

          Bodyguard is stunned. He snaps a photo.

                              DIRECTOR (CONT.)
                    That's a wrap!

          The crew applauds and heads out.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Now for a caption.

          A group of writers storms in.

                              WRITER 1
                    Not bad for a Saturday!

                              WRITER 2
                    Only in New York!

                              WRITER 3
                    Who loves daiquiris?

                              WRITER 4
                         (slamming pad down)
                    Damn it, that was mine!

          End.