By Elaine Carroll & Sam Reich
INT. KITCHEN - DAY BODYGUARD and MARY-KATE are at the counter. Bodyguard turns around with a drink. BODYGUARD Your diet diuretic daiquiri is ready. MARY-KATE Oooh, what a skinny little umbrella. Oh, look, it goes with my skinny little dress! BODYGUARD Cute. MARY-KATE Take a picture of me for Instagram? She hands him her phone. BODYGUARD Okay. She makes a face that's somehow even more ducky. Bodyguard snaps a photo. He hands her back the phone. MARY-KATE Hmm. I don't love it. Can I have a take two? BODYGUARD Sure. She claps her hands. Ten CREW MEMBERS immediately swarm her. The following dialogue is performed lightning fast, as in a David Mamet movie. DIRECTOR (entering) This is it, people! ASST. DIRECTOR (entering) Five minutes! GAFFER (entering, with lights) Hot points! ASST. DIRECTOR (to Mary-Kate) You can take five. Mary-Kate stands up. MAKE-UP ARTIST (entering, to director) Is this black-and-white? DIRECTOR Valencia. ASSISTANT DIRECTOR (to STAND-IN) Sit there please. STAND-IN (entering, sitting, to Asst. Director) Can you tag me in this? ASSISTANT DIRECTOR (to Stand-In) Are you serious? You're a stand-in. ART DIRECTOR (entering showing off vintage bowling pins to Director) What do you think of these pins? DIRECTOR It's breakfast. Is she eating them? ART DIRECTOR Nix the pins? DIRECTOR You're a genius. GAFFER (to Best Boy) That's in frame. BEST BOY There's no border? GAFFER (showing him a light reader) Nobody uses borders anymore. MAKE-UP ARTIST (to Director) This would look great in X Pro II. DIRECTOR (flatly) VALENCIA. STAND-IN (to Asst. Director) It's just that I'm trying to get more followers... ASST. DIRECTOR (to Stand-In) Take cat pictures. GAFFER (to Best Boy, handing him cord) Weren't you on that Jessica Alba gig? BEST BOY (taking it, laughing) Lena Dunham. GAFFER (excitedly) Dunham! ART DIRECTOR (reentering with a half a cantaloupe) Does this work? DIRECTOR (not looking at it) Is it a breakfast food? ART DIRECTOR (looking at it, confirming) Yes it is. DIRECTOR You must be in Mensa. MAKE-UP ARTIST (to Director) Finished. You said Kelvin, right? DIRECTOR (stern) You're kidding. MAKE-UP ARTIST (light) I'm kidding. DIRECTOR (flat) Hilarious. ASST. DIRECTOR (to Stand-in) You're set. STAND-IN (to Asst. Director) Can I get a copy for Facebook? ASST. DIRECTOR This IS Facebook. ART DIRECTOR Art's set. GAFFER (exiting) Lights are up. BOOM OP (entering) Sound speed. ASST. DIRECTOR It's an Instagram photo. BOOM OP (exiting) Copy that. DIRECTOR And action! Bodyguard is stunned. He snaps a photo. DIRECTOR (CONT.) That's a wrap! The crew applauds and heads out. MARY-KATE Now for a caption. A group of writers storms in. WRITER 1 Not bad for a Saturday! WRITER 2 Only in New York! WRITER 3 Who loves daiquiris? WRITER 4 (slamming pad down) Damn it, that was mine! End.