Owen's college rivals are total classholes.
By Patrick Cassels & Dan Gurewitch
INT. OFFICE - DAY
ADAM looks up from his computer, to OWEN.
Oh, look at that. Owen, your old
college Dartmouth has a football
game against Canby University
Yeah, whatever. I never really
cared about that school spirit
Suddenly, FINSTER (DAN) and PERCY (PATRICK) arrive. They're
classic 1920s UPPER-CRUST COLLEGIATE TYPES. Sweaters around
necks. Hats with Cs. "Canby" pendants.
There he is, Percy! There's that
frog-brained Dartmouth man! We
heard there was one of your ilk
Canby's going to lick you good
You are a Dartmouth man, are you
not? That haven for troglodytes
buried in the dank New Hampshire
woods like a forgotten Sanitarium!
Back in our college days, we'd
often kidnap your undergrads and
hold them rump-side north,
trembling and trouserless off the
edge of their Hall of Languages
until they defecated on their own
dangling faces from fear.
Dan and Patrick both TITTER: "Ha! Ha ha. Hm-ha-ha-ha." Owen
gets up with his mug and walks away.
Owen washes his hands at the sink.
Scrub, scrub, scrub! You'll never
get the Dartmouth filth out of your
Can you leave me alone?
Why, that sort of antisocial
attitude would never be tolerated
in the Canby Men's Club. Let's show
him the Canby Shake!
Dan and Pat do an ELABORATE CHOREOGRAPHED SECRET HANDSHAKE:
DAN & PATRICK
"Harumph Harumph! Diddly-da!
Diddley-day, ha HA ha-ha! Fe fi, fo
fum! Twiddle the diddle, tap on the
bum! Squat low, and grasp a fist!
For Gold and Blue, now we kiss!"
They KISS LIGHTLY ON THE LIPS, then titter-laugh.
I haven't done that in hours!
What do you think?
Do your dicks have to be out?
WIDE REVEAL: Their dicks are flopped out of their flies.
INT. NOLL HOLE - DAY
Owen enters to find Dan and Patrick.
You wanted to see me?
We didn't request the meeting. Your
They point to a DUCK WEARING A DARTMOUTH BANDANA.
Ha! You've been made a fool of!
Come come, it's but a harmless
jest. Don't let these monkeyshines
sour your puss, ribbing is one of
Canby's greatest traditions!
Why, who could forget the lark we
played on old Professor Cheswick?
We replaced his RUBBING SALVE with
Can you IMAGINE?
They TITTER. The duck QUACKS. Owen stares, dead-eyed.
INT. AT OWEN'S DESK
Owen is working. Dan and Patrick appear behind him, arms
around each others' shoulders, rocking back and forth as
they TRIUMPHANTLY SING THEIR ALMA MATER:
DAN & PATRICK
'Twixt the bogs of Shenandoah And
the freezing Everglades Sits our
hallowed Alma Mater Atop an Indian
mass grave. Their warrior souls
feed us As we toss the old pigskin!
We hear them chanting from the
depths of Hell: "Canby, WIN WIN
INT. OFFICE - ELSEWHERE
Owen happens upon Dan and Patrick, who are WRESTLING.
They're SHIRTLESS, wearing EXTREMELY SHORT GYM SHORTS and
OLD-FASHIONED LEATHER HELMETS.
Firmer! Clench your buttocks,
What are you doing?
Ah! The Dartmouth boy has come to
challenge Canby's best men in a
grappling match! To the floor with
you, we'll determine who's the
Not so fast, Finster, we must
Where do you keep your Oiled Boy?
No matter, we always bring our own.
Patrick SNAPS. A TWINK-LIKE MAN, OILED UP, approaches.
A real slippery lad he.
(rubbing his hands together)
Don't be shy, we'll clasp you yet!
Dan and Patrick begin AWKWARDLY CLASPING AND GRASPING at the
OILED-UP MAN, grunting and moaning. Owen SLOWLY WALKS AWAY.
And Father said I wasn't man enough
for the trading floor!