God's Boss Craig: Sponsorship

By

Ben Joseph

          TITLE SEQUENCE: JAZZY MUSIC STINGS over three cards with
          pictures of God, an org chart, and Craig: GOD'S. BOSS.
          CRAIG.

          INT. HEAVEN - CONFERENCE ROOM

          Craig and God sit opposite three PERKY EXECUTIVES: MARY,
          LEV, and TONY. Projected on a CLOUD SCREEN behind the execs
          is a logo for a McDonalds-type restaurant. God looks very
          unhappy.

                              CRAIG
                    I can't tell you how happy Heaven
                    is to have Morning Munchies come up
                    here and sponsor a miracle.

                              MARY
                    Of course! An act of God seemed
                    like the perfect way to introduce
                    our new Fruity Cutie Patootie
                    Breakfast Smoothie.

          An ORANGE SMOOTHIE appears on the screen behind them.

                              CRAIG
                    I'll let our executive deity take
                    it from here. G-man?

          God gets up and summons his own smaller CLOUD SCREEN.

                              GOD
                    Well, there have been a lot of
                    hungry homeless in the Bronx
                    lately, so, for this miracle, what
                    if we took one Morning Munchies
                    breakfast, and multiplied it-

                              MARY
                    Let me stop you right there. This
                    smoothie is designed to appeal to a
                    young, upwardly mobile demographic.

          Screen image: A WHITE, YUPPIE COUPLE drinks smoothies.

                              MARY (CONT'D)
                    This miracle sounds it targets a
                    lower income quadrant. And we
                    already market to them with our Jam
                    Juice and Crunk Cakes.

          Screen: two over-the-top GANGSTERS drinking purple juice and
          eating pancakes in front of a black SUV.

                              LEV
                    It was my idea to make the rims
                    waffles.

                              GOD
                    Wow. That is just... Wow.

          Suddenly, Tony stands up with idea.

                              TONY
                    Oh! Brain-squirt. Remember when you
                    guys did that "water into wine
                    coolers" thing?

                              LEV
                    Alcohol? Sounds risky. Our brand
                    persona is health-conscious, fully
                    family-aware, and only mildly
                    experimental in bed.

                              TONY
                    Noted. But what if we turned water
                    into... Smoothies?

                              LEV/MARY/CRAIG
                    Genius! / I love it! / I want to
                    kiss that idea's face!

          God collapses his cloud screen. Approaches the table.

                              GOD
                    Whoa, whoa... What water?

                              TONY
                    Well, you're the artist, and we
                    don't want to meddle with your
                    vision, but just to think big,
                    because I know we all want big-

                              LEV
                    Our brand persona is very
                    ambitious. Probably because of its
                    poor relationship with its father.

                              TONY
                    -what about, you know, all of it?

          Screen image: A GLOBE MAP with ORANGE WATER.

                              GOD
                    You want to turn all the water on
                    the planet Earth... Into a high
                    sugar fruit shake?

                              MARY
                    High organic cane juice, fruit
                    substitute shake.

                              TONY
                         (checking his Blackberry)
                    Ooo, FDA actually just nixed
                    "shake." It's now a "mid-grade
                    tractor fuel replacement."

                              GOD
                    I really don't think we can-

          Craig leans in front of him.

                              CRAIG
                    What God means is, if we pursue
                    this creative, we may have to ask
                    for a bigger media buy.

          Mary pulls out a checkbook. Clicks her pen.

                              LEV
                    Our brand persona has very deep
                    pockets right now.

          Craig's eyes go WIDE. God SIGHS. CLOUD SWISH TO:

          THE OCEAN. A pristine seascape slowly bubbles and turns into
          PURPLE SLUSH. After a moment, dead FISH, SEALS, and finally
          a HUGE WHALE surface, all belly up. CLOUD SWISH TO:

          INT. CONFERENCE ROOM

          God and Craig have another meeting with the three execs. The
          execs all look sweaty and exhausted.

                              GOD
                    Well, 99% of sea-life is dead - sea
                    cucumbers are really thriving for
                    some reason - diabetes is up six
                    million percent, and life as we
                    know should be over in about eight
                    weeks. Happy?

          PAN DOWN the line of executives:

                              MARY
                    Are you kidding?! Brand awareness
                    has never been higher! Our
                    smoothie's on every news channel!

                              TONY
                    We're this close to getting "Fruit-
                    pocalypse" trending on Twitter.

          ABRUPT SILENCE from Lev, now just a WITHERED CORPSE.

                              LEV
                    Lev? Lev? Ah, another dehydration
                    death.

          Tony SLOWLY drags out the corpse behind Mary as she talks.

                              MARY
                    In fact, the board is so impressed,
                    they want to have you manage our
                    entire brand.

          Craig SMILES WIDE. God slams his face onto the table.

                              MARY (CONT'D)
                    Now, what if, instead of hands,
                    everybody in the world had Bacon
                    Biters?

          SCREEN IMAGE: A VERY HAPPY FAMILY with bacon breakfast
          sandwiches for hands.
                         MARY (CONT'D)
                         (awkwardly singing)
                    Bacon Biters, a bite o' bacon is
                    always at hand!
                         (beat)
                    I don't know, just something we're
                    workshopping. What do you guys
                    think?

          God GROANS without lifting his head.

          CUT TO END CARD: GOD'S BOSS CRAIG!