From CH Staff on
And on the sixth day, God sold out.
By Ben Joseph
TITLE SEQUENCE: JAZZY MUSIC STINGS over three cards with pictures of God, an org chart, and Craig: GOD'S. BOSS. CRAIG. INT. HEAVEN - CONFERENCE ROOM Craig and God sit opposite three PERKY EXECUTIVES: MARY, LEV, and TONY. Projected on a CLOUD SCREEN behind the execs is a logo for a McDonalds-type restaurant. God looks very unhappy. CRAIG I can't tell you how happy Heaven is to have Morning Munchies come up here and sponsor a miracle. MARY Of course! An act of God seemed like the perfect way to introduce our new Fruity Cutie Patootie Breakfast Smoothie. An ORANGE SMOOTHIE appears on the screen behind them. CRAIG I'll let our executive deity take it from here. G-man? God gets up and summons his own smaller CLOUD SCREEN. GOD Well, there have been a lot of hungry homeless in the Bronx lately, so, for this miracle, what if we took one Morning Munchies breakfast, and multiplied it- MARY Let me stop you right there. This smoothie is designed to appeal to a young, upwardly mobile demographic. Screen image: A WHITE, YUPPIE COUPLE drinks smoothies. MARY (CONT'D) This miracle sounds it targets a lower income quadrant. And we already market to them with our Jam Juice and Crunk Cakes. Screen: two over-the-top GANGSTERS drinking purple juice and eating pancakes in front of a black SUV. LEV It was my idea to make the rims waffles. GOD Wow. That is just... Wow. Suddenly, Tony stands up with idea. TONY Oh! Brain-squirt. Remember when you guys did that "water into wine coolers" thing? LEV Alcohol? Sounds risky. Our brand persona is health-conscious, fully family-aware, and only mildly experimental in bed. TONY Noted. But what if we turned water into... Smoothies? LEV/MARY/CRAIG Genius! / I love it! / I want to kiss that idea's face! God collapses his cloud screen. Approaches the table. GOD Whoa, whoa... What water? TONY Well, you're the artist, and we don't want to meddle with your vision, but just to think big, because I know we all want big- LEV Our brand persona is very ambitious. Probably because of its poor relationship with its father. TONY -what about, you know, all of it? Screen image: A GLOBE MAP with ORANGE WATER. GOD You want to turn all the water on the planet Earth... Into a high sugar fruit shake? MARY High organic cane juice, fruit substitute shake. TONY (checking his Blackberry) Ooo, FDA actually just nixed "shake." It's now a "mid-grade tractor fuel replacement." GOD I really don't think we can- Craig leans in front of him. CRAIG What God means is, if we pursue this creative, we may have to ask for a bigger media buy. Mary pulls out a checkbook. Clicks her pen. LEV Our brand persona has very deep pockets right now. Craig's eyes go WIDE. God SIGHS. CLOUD SWISH TO: THE OCEAN. A pristine seascape slowly bubbles and turns into PURPLE SLUSH. After a moment, dead FISH, SEALS, and finally a HUGE WHALE surface, all belly up. CLOUD SWISH TO: INT. CONFERENCE ROOM God and Craig have another meeting with the three execs. The execs all look sweaty and exhausted. GOD Well, 99% of sea-life is dead - sea cucumbers are really thriving for some reason - diabetes is up six million percent, and life as we know should be over in about eight weeks. Happy? PAN DOWN the line of executives: MARY Are you kidding?! Brand awareness has never been higher! Our smoothie's on every news channel! TONY We're this close to getting "Fruit- pocalypse" trending on Twitter. ABRUPT SILENCE from Lev, now just a WITHERED CORPSE. LEV Lev? Lev? Ah, another dehydration death. Tony SLOWLY drags out the corpse behind Mary as she talks. MARY In fact, the board is so impressed, they want to have you manage our entire brand. Craig SMILES WIDE. God slams his face onto the table. MARY (CONT'D) Now, what if, instead of hands, everybody in the world had Bacon Biters? SCREEN IMAGE: A VERY HAPPY FAMILY with bacon breakfast sandwiches for hands. MARY (CONT'D) (awkwardly singing) Bacon Biters, a bite o' bacon is always at hand! (beat) I don't know, just something we're workshopping. What do you guys think? God GROANS without lifting his head. CUT TO END CARD: GOD'S BOSS CRAIG!