And on the sixth day, God sold out.
By Ben Joseph
TITLE SEQUENCE: JAZZY MUSIC STINGS over three cards with
pictures of God, an org chart, and Craig: GOD'S. BOSS.
INT. HEAVEN - CONFERENCE ROOM
Craig and God sit opposite three PERKY EXECUTIVES: MARY,
LEV, and TONY. Projected on a CLOUD SCREEN behind the execs
is a logo for a McDonalds-type restaurant. God looks very
I can't tell you how happy Heaven
is to have Morning Munchies come up
here and sponsor a miracle.
Of course! An act of God seemed
like the perfect way to introduce
our new Fruity Cutie Patootie
An ORANGE SMOOTHIE appears on the screen behind them.
I'll let our executive deity take
it from here. G-man?
God gets up and summons his own smaller CLOUD SCREEN.
Well, there have been a lot of
hungry homeless in the Bronx
lately, so, for this miracle, what
if we took one Morning Munchies
breakfast, and multiplied it-
Let me stop you right there. This
smoothie is designed to appeal to a
young, upwardly mobile demographic.
Screen image: A WHITE, YUPPIE COUPLE drinks smoothies.
This miracle sounds it targets a
lower income quadrant. And we
already market to them with our Jam
Juice and Crunk Cakes.
Screen: two over-the-top GANGSTERS drinking purple juice and
eating pancakes in front of a black SUV.
It was my idea to make the rims
Wow. That is just... Wow.
Suddenly, Tony stands up with idea.
Oh! Brain-squirt. Remember when you
guys did that "water into wine
Alcohol? Sounds risky. Our brand
persona is health-conscious, fully
family-aware, and only mildly
experimental in bed.
Noted. But what if we turned water
Genius! / I love it! / I want to
kiss that idea's face!
God collapses his cloud screen. Approaches the table.
Whoa, whoa... What water?
Well, you're the artist, and we
don't want to meddle with your
vision, but just to think big,
because I know we all want big-
Our brand persona is very
ambitious. Probably because of its
poor relationship with its father.
-what about, you know, all of it?
Screen image: A GLOBE MAP with ORANGE WATER.
You want to turn all the water on
the planet Earth... Into a high
sugar fruit shake?
High organic cane juice, fruit
(checking his Blackberry)
Ooo, FDA actually just nixed
"shake." It's now a "mid-grade
tractor fuel replacement."
I really don't think we can-
Craig leans in front of him.
What God means is, if we pursue
this creative, we may have to ask
for a bigger media buy.
Mary pulls out a checkbook. Clicks her pen.
Our brand persona has very deep
pockets right now.
Craig's eyes go WIDE. God SIGHS. CLOUD SWISH TO:
THE OCEAN. A pristine seascape slowly bubbles and turns into
PURPLE SLUSH. After a moment, dead FISH, SEALS, and finally
a HUGE WHALE surface, all belly up. CLOUD SWISH TO:
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM
God and Craig have another meeting with the three execs. The
execs all look sweaty and exhausted.
Well, 99% of sea-life is dead - sea
cucumbers are really thriving for
some reason - diabetes is up six
million percent, and life as we
know should be over in about eight
PAN DOWN the line of executives:
Are you kidding?! Brand awareness
has never been higher! Our
smoothie's on every news channel!
We're this close to getting "Fruit-
pocalypse" trending on Twitter.
ABRUPT SILENCE from Lev, now just a WITHERED CORPSE.
Lev? Lev? Ah, another dehydration
Tony SLOWLY drags out the corpse behind Mary as she talks.
In fact, the board is so impressed,
they want to have you manage our
Craig SMILES WIDE. God slams his face onto the table.
Now, what if, instead of hands,
everybody in the world had Bacon
SCREEN IMAGE: A VERY HAPPY FAMILY with bacon breakfast
sandwiches for hands.
Bacon Biters, a bite o' bacon is
always at hand!
I don't know, just something we're
workshopping. What do you guys
God GROANS without lifting his head.
CUT TO END CARD: GOD'S BOSS CRAIG!