From CH Staff on
All beards go to heaven.UnsSubscribe ToFrom Hardly Working
By Owen Parsons
EXT. BATHROOM KEVIN & JOSH stand somberly outside the bathroom door. ANU approaches. ANU What's going on? KEVIN Owen's in there shaving his winter beard. We're giving him some space. ANU This is the women's restroo- JOSH Shhhh. INT. BATHROOM OWEN stares at himself in the mirror, a trimmer in his hand. This is an emotional, Old Yeller-style moment. OWEN Well, buddy. We had a great season. But it's getting warm outside, and well... it's time to say goodbye. He holds up his trimmer. Tense moment as it approaches the beard hair. He nervously drops it at the last second. OWEN I can last a few more months. It'll be a mite itchy come August, but- CU on Owen's reflection in the mirror - his BEARD grows a superimposed mouth and starts talking with a wise, world-weary voice. Emotional music plays. BEARD It's okay, Owen. Don't be afraid. OWEN Who's afraid? I'm not afraid. BEARD We knew this day would come. It's a winter beard's lot in life. OWEN Don't you dare say that to me. Don't you dare be the brave one. BEARD I'm not some young September stubble any more. No sir, Phillip C. Beard's been around this face once or twice by now, and he knows that when the warm breeze of May wafts across your whiskers, it's time to journey on. OWEN You're name's Phillip? BEARD/PHILLIP Heh. Guess there's still a lot we don't know about each other. OWEN (tearfully) I don't how to live without you. Owen hangs his head, resting his hand on the counter. A HAND SHAPED EXTENSION OF BEARD rests atop his, comforting him. PHILLIP You'll remember. Hurry on, now. Owen braces himself, then jabs his beard with the trimmer. PHILLIP AGH! OWEN PHILLIP! He drops to one knee, a big patch missing from his beard. Phillip now speaks up to him from a clump of hair in his hand. Heavenly music plays. PHILLIP I see... the light of Providence. All the beards that came before me. A bunch of SPECTRAL BEARDS appear and float around them. Close-up as he names them. PHILLIP Winter 2010. Winter 2009. And who could forget, Lil' Scraggles, '08. Your time was too short, my friend. Close on Lil' Scraggles, a thin beard with an earnest, Tiny Tim voice. LIL' SCRAGGLES It may have been an early spring, but I'd not trade my time here for all the mustache wax in Belgium. Owen spies a small floating tuft of hair. OWEN Who are you? COLLEGE BEARD I'm the chin beard you grew sophomore year! Remember arguing with your girlfriend that I made you look so metal? OWEN (embarrassed) Ugh. Now I do. PHILLIP (coughing) Finish the job, Owen. Send me to the Mountaintop of Eternal Autumn, where beards roam wild and free. FADE TO: Inserts of disembodied beards floating through a Valhalla-style beard paradise. PHILLIP (V.O.) Where the flannel flag flies above peaks that have never known summer. Where untamed beards dip deep into thick, savory stews without fear of judgment. Send me there, to rustle among my whiskery ancestors. Owen tearfully raises the trimmer to his face. PHILLIP Wait! My last wish... OWEN Anything, old friend. What is it? PHILLIP The last wish of all beards... Owen nods. PHILLIP Shave me... into a goofy mustache. End. POST-HUH: Bagpipe music plays as a portrait of Owen's beard hangs in memorium. Owen, in a goofy mustache, salutes it.