A gangster commits the one offense worse than snitching: spoiling Season 2.
By Adam Conover
The quietly dignified, Eastern European BOSS MAN stands
before a gang of toughs, fronted by LAMAR, his hyper and
aggressive right hand man. Among the gang members are TWO-
TONE, a hulking bruiser, and PINKY, a fidgety wiseguy. Lamar
stalks up and down.
As you may know, our organization
been having some trouble lately.
Now Boss Man, he think that someone
here be untrustworthy.
The gang murmurs in anger.
We gonna get this asshole!
Yeah, you come at the king, you
best not miss!
There's a sudden hush. Boss Man's brow furrows sinisterly.
Lamar cocks his head and slowly approaches Pinky.
What was that?
Uh, you know, you come at the king,
you best not miss is all.
Lamar gets real close.
You watching the Wire?
(backing him up)
That sounded like a line from the
Damn! You KNOW Boss Man ain't seen
the Wire yet, he still got to
finish Battlestar first. And if
there's one thing Boss Man can't
abide -- it's spoilers.
He gets right up in Pinky's face and speaks very quietly.
So you think hard before you answer
me again motherfucker. Are you.
Watching. The Wire?
Nah, nah, I must have hoid it on
the street is all! It's a popular
cultural touchstone, it's in the
zeitgeist, you know!
You better hope so, asshole, or you
Pinky wipes his brow and brushes himself off.
(under his breath)
Scuffed my shoes,
He looks up in fear, realizing what he's done. Lamar whirls.
A bunch of toughs grab Pinky's arms as Two-Tone frisks him.
He finds something, rips off Pinky's shirt -- a DVD case is
duct-taped to his chest. He RIPS it off (Pinky screams) and
tosses it to Lamar.
Well. The Wire Season Two.
We disappointed, Pinky. You know we
agreed to watch this together. And
then you betray us.
Pinky breaks down in tears.
I'm sorry! I swear, I just started,
it's just Season Two, I'm barely
past the part where D'Angelo dies!
Boss Man ROARS and covers his ears.
Oh, you done it now. You done
spoiled the show for Boss Man!
But he don't even know who D'Angelo
Yeah but now he know there a
CHARACTER named D'Angelo! Kill him.
Two-Tone and Lamar pull their guns out.
Pinky puts his hands over his head and closes his eyes,
waiting for death as he blubbers.
You don't have to do this.
Shut the fuck up!
You're not bad people. You're just
corrupted by a system of
institutions that don't allow for
the possibility of moral behavior!
Lamar considers this.
Wow. That's deep. Where you hear
From the Wire! I'm tellin' yas,
it's a great show!
The Boss Man steps out of the shadows and speaks for the
first time. He has a thick Eastern European accent.
Better than Battlestar?
Y-Yeah! Way better than Battlestar!
Tell me more.
I-It's got relateable characters,
grand themes - it's about the
decline of the American city! It's
Does this Wire have... a cool theme
T-the best, you're gonna sing with
it every week!
The Boss Man caresses Pinky's quivering face.
Sing it to me.
W-when you walk through the
Boss Man looks up at Two-Tone and nods.
You better watch your back...
Two-Tone pulls the trigger. Pinky spasms and falls to the
ground. The Boss turns and addresses the room loudly.
Does anyone else here have a
favorite TV show?
The gang is silent.
Good. Now leave me. I must catch up
on Game of Thrones. It's getting
really good, I just watched the
episode where Ned Stark died.
INT. FBI VAN
Inside a nearby FBI van, two agents are listening intently.
They tear off their headphones.
GODDAMMIT I'm still on episode