A gangster commits the one offense worse than snitching: spoiling Season 2.
By Adam Conover
INT. WAREHOUSE The quietly dignified, Eastern European BOSS MAN stands before a gang of toughs, fronted by LAMAR, his hyper and aggressive right hand man. Among the gang members are TWO- TONE, a hulking bruiser, and PINKY, a fidgety wiseguy. Lamar stalks up and down. LAMAR As you may know, our organization been having some trouble lately. Now Boss Man, he think that someone here be untrustworthy. The gang murmurs in anger. TWO-TONE We gonna get this asshole! PINKY Yeah, you come at the king, you best not miss! There's a sudden hush. Boss Man's brow furrows sinisterly. Lamar cocks his head and slowly approaches Pinky. LAMAR What was that? PINKY Uh, you know, you come at the king, you best not miss is all. Lamar gets real close. LAMAR You watching the Wire? PINKY What? TWO-TONE (backing him up) That sounded like a line from the Wire, Lamar. LAMAR Damn! You KNOW Boss Man ain't seen the Wire yet, he still got to finish Battlestar first. And if there's one thing Boss Man can't abide -- it's spoilers. He gets right up in Pinky's face and speaks very quietly. LAMAR So you think hard before you answer me again motherfucker. Are you. Watching. The Wire? PINKY Nah, nah, I must have hoid it on the street is all! It's a popular cultural touchstone, it's in the zeitgeist, you know! LAMAR You better hope so, asshole, or you dead. Pinky wipes his brow and brushes himself off. PINKY (under his breath) Scuffed my shoes, sheeeeeeeeeeeeeet. He looks up in fear, realizing what he's done. Lamar whirls. LAMAR Strip 'im. A bunch of toughs grab Pinky's arms as Two-Tone frisks him. He finds something, rips off Pinky's shirt -- a DVD case is duct-taped to his chest. He RIPS it off (Pinky screams) and tosses it to Lamar. LAMAR Well. The Wire Season Two. (to Pinky) We disappointed, Pinky. You know we agreed to watch this together. And then you betray us. Pinky breaks down in tears. PINKY I'm sorry! I swear, I just started, it's just Season Two, I'm barely past the part where D'Angelo dies! Boss Man ROARS and covers his ears. LAMAR Oh, you done it now. You done spoiled the show for Boss Man! PINKY But he don't even know who D'Angelo is! LAMAR Yeah but now he know there a CHARACTER named D'Angelo! Kill him. Two-Tone and Lamar pull their guns out. Pinky puts his hands over his head and closes his eyes, waiting for death as he blubbers. PINKY You don't have to do this. TWO-TONE Shut the fuck up! PINKY You're not bad people. You're just corrupted by a system of institutions that don't allow for the possibility of moral behavior! Lamar considers this. LAMAR Wow. That's deep. Where you hear that? PINKY From the Wire! I'm tellin' yas, it's a great show! The Boss Man steps out of the shadows and speaks for the first time. He has a thick Eastern European accent. BOSS MAN Better than Battlestar? PINKY Y-Yeah! Way better than Battlestar! BOSS MAN Tell me more. PINKY I-It's got relateable characters, grand themes - it's about the decline of the American city! It's a masterpiece! BOSS MAN Does this Wire have... a cool theme song? PINKY T-the best, you're gonna sing with it every week! The Boss Man caresses Pinky's quivering face. BOSS MAN Sing it to me. PINKY (hesitantly) W-when you walk through the garden.... Boss Man looks up at Two-Tone and nods. PINKY You better watch your back... Two-Tone pulls the trigger. Pinky spasms and falls to the ground. The Boss turns and addresses the room loudly. BOSS Does anyone else here have a favorite TV show? The gang is silent. BOSS Good. Now leave me. I must catch up on Game of Thrones. It's getting really good, I just watched the episode where Ned Stark died. INT. FBI VAN Inside a nearby FBI van, two agents are listening intently. They tear off their headphones. AGENT GODDAMMIT I'm still on episode four!