Are You Watching the Wire?

By

Adam Conover

          INT. WAREHOUSE

          The quietly dignified, Eastern European BOSS MAN stands
          before a gang of toughs, fronted by LAMAR, his hyper and
          aggressive right hand man. Among the gang members are TWO-
          TONE, a hulking bruiser, and PINKY, a fidgety wiseguy. Lamar
          stalks up and down.

                              LAMAR
                    As you may know, our organization
                    been having some trouble lately.
                    Now Boss Man, he think that someone
                    here be untrustworthy.

          The gang murmurs in anger.

                              TWO-TONE
                    We gonna get this asshole!

                              PINKY
                    Yeah, you come at the king, you
                    best not miss!

          There's a sudden hush. Boss Man's brow furrows sinisterly.
          Lamar cocks his head and slowly approaches Pinky.

                              LAMAR
                    What was that?

                              PINKY
                    Uh, you know, you come at the king,
                    you best not miss is all.

          Lamar gets real close.

                              LAMAR
                    You watching the Wire?

                              PINKY
                    What?

                              TWO-TONE
                         (backing him up)
                    That sounded like a line from the
                    Wire, Lamar.

                              LAMAR
                    Damn! You KNOW Boss Man ain't seen
                    the Wire yet, he still got to
                    finish Battlestar first. And if
                    there's one thing Boss Man can't
                    abide -- it's spoilers.

          He gets right up in Pinky's face and speaks very quietly.

                              LAMAR
                    So you think hard before you answer
                    me again motherfucker. Are you.
                    Watching. The Wire?

                              PINKY
                    Nah, nah, I must have hoid it on
                    the street is all! It's a popular
                    cultural touchstone, it's in the
                    zeitgeist, you know!

                              LAMAR
                    You better hope so, asshole, or you
                    dead.

          Pinky wipes his brow and brushes himself off.

                              PINKY
                         (under his breath)
                    Scuffed my shoes,
                    sheeeeeeeeeeeeeet.

          He looks up in fear, realizing what he's done. Lamar whirls.

                              LAMAR
                    Strip 'im.

          A bunch of toughs grab Pinky's arms as Two-Tone frisks him.
          He finds something, rips off Pinky's shirt -- a DVD case is
          duct-taped to his chest. He RIPS it off (Pinky screams) and
          tosses it to Lamar.

                              LAMAR
                    Well. The Wire Season Two.
                         (to Pinky)
                    We disappointed, Pinky. You know we
                    agreed to watch this together. And
                    then you betray us.

          Pinky breaks down in tears.

                              PINKY
                    I'm sorry! I swear, I just started,
                    it's just Season Two, I'm barely
                    past the part where D'Angelo dies!

          Boss Man ROARS and covers his ears.

                              LAMAR
                    Oh, you done it now. You done
                    spoiled the show for Boss Man!

                              PINKY
                    But he don't even know who D'Angelo
                    is!

                              LAMAR
                    Yeah but now he know there a
                    CHARACTER named D'Angelo! Kill him.

          Two-Tone and Lamar pull their guns out.

          Pinky puts his hands over his head and closes his eyes,
          waiting for death as he blubbers.

                              PINKY
                    You don't have to do this.

                              TWO-TONE
                    Shut the fuck up!

                              PINKY
                    You're not bad people. You're just
                    corrupted by a system of
                    institutions that don't allow for
                    the possibility of moral behavior!

          Lamar considers this.

                              LAMAR
                    Wow. That's deep. Where you hear
                    that?

                              PINKY
                    From the Wire! I'm tellin' yas,
                    it's a great show!

          The Boss Man steps out of the shadows and speaks for the
          first time. He has a thick Eastern European accent.

                              BOSS MAN
                    Better than Battlestar?

                              PINKY
                    Y-Yeah! Way better than Battlestar!

                              BOSS MAN
                    Tell me more.

                              PINKY
                    I-It's got relateable characters,
                    grand themes - it's about the
                    decline of the American city!  It's
                    a masterpiece!

                              BOSS  MAN
                    Does this Wire have... a cool theme
                    song?

                              PINKY
                    T-the best, you're gonna sing with
                    it every week!

          The Boss Man caresses Pinky's quivering face.

                              BOSS MAN
                    Sing it to me.

                              PINKY
                         (hesitantly)
                    W-when you walk through the
                    garden....

          Boss Man looks up at Two-Tone and nods.

                              PINKY
                    You better watch your back...

          Two-Tone pulls the trigger. Pinky spasms and falls to the
          ground. The Boss turns and addresses the room loudly.

                              BOSS
                    Does anyone else here have a
                    favorite TV show?

          The gang is silent.

                              BOSS
                    Good. Now leave me. I must catch up
                    on Game of Thrones. It's getting
                    really good, I just watched the
                    episode where Ned Stark died.

          INT. FBI VAN

          Inside a nearby FBI van, two agents are listening intently.
          They tear off their headphones.

                              AGENT
                    GODDAMMIT I'm still on episode
                    four!