Mary-Kate writes her teacher evaluations, and Fat Professor forms a rebuttal.
By Elaine Carroll & Sam Reich
INT. CLASSROOM DAY MARY-KATE is alone at her desk, filling out a form. PROFESSOR jolts awake from a sleeping position. PROFESSOR Mary-Kate. Class ended thirty minutes ago. MARY-KATE Don't rush me. I'm finishing your teacher evaluation fooooah! Suddenly, Professor is at her desk, having just snatched the form out of her hands. MARY-KATE (CONT.) Hey, I thought those were supposed to be anonymous! PROFESSOR Please. Who else dots their i's with glue and glitter? He turns around the form revealing some glistening glitter studs. PROFESSOR (CONT.) (reading) "Did the instructor allow room for questions?" The instructor allowed room for nothing because he takes up all the room because he is room-sized. MARY-KATE This is awkward. PROFESSOR "Is the instructor fair with criticism?" If by fair you mean fat, and by criticism you mean fat, then yes, he is fat with fat. MARY-KATE Eeeee. PROFESSOR "Is the instructor helpful overall?" No. Overall, the instructor is a hippo in a suit from Men's Warehouse. MARY-KATE I could be wrong! Is it Sears? Macy's? PROFESSOR (angrily) Oh! Y'know what? It's time for me to write your student evaluation! He violently grabs a chair, pulls over a form, and starts filling it out. MARY-KATE Aren't you supposed to do this on your own t- PROFESSOR "Is the student respectful of NYU property?" The student is sniffing our glue. MARY-KATE Hey. I brought this glue from home. PROFESSOR "Does the student work well with others?" The student uses others as slaves! JEREMY (rises) Can I take a break? MARY-KATE Footrests don't talk. PROFESSOR "Does the student display a strong understanding of the material?" The student only ever displays her fingernails! MARY-KATE (in a raptor pose) What are you talking about? PROFESSOR Why do you hold your hands like that? MARY-KATE Because my nails are always wet. PROFESSOR "How would you describe the student's performance?" The student has never performed well in anything in her life! She is a terrible actress! MARY-KATE Fatso! PROFESSOR Brat! MARY-KATE Lardbutt! PROFESSOR Junkie! MARY-KATE Captain cake! PROFESSOR Idiot! She gasps. She breaks down in tears. PROFESSOR Oh. What's happening? You're making... noises. A brief cut of VMK reveals eye makeup running down her face. PROFESSOR (CONT.) Here. Do you want to clean that up? Do you want fix that situation? Have a wipe? Have a wipe of that with one of these? These are Kleenex. Well, technically, no. They're- general brand. MARY-KATE You're right. You're right. I'm an idiot. PROFESSOR Don't say that. MARY-KATE You said that! PROFESSOR That's right. Leave it to me. MARY-KATE At this rate, I'll never be smart. I'm gonna need to stay in college forever. PROFESSOR Wow. I just realized something. You're- smart. MARY-KATE (through tears) I is? PROFESSOR (checking off boxes) Yes. See? All positive marks. MARY-KATE (snatching it away) Thank you. PROFESSOR Wait. What just happened? MARY-KATE I may not be a lot of things, Fat Professor, but one thing I'm not not is a great actress. She walks out. He calls after her. PROFESSOR (calling) That's a double negative! MARY-KATE (O.S.) That's a double chin! Fat Professor checks for a double chin by rubbing his finger below his face. End.