Mary-Kate writes her teacher evaluations, and Fat Professor forms a rebuttal.
By Elaine Carroll & Sam Reich
INT. CLASSROOM DAY
MARY-KATE is alone at her desk, filling out a form.
PROFESSOR jolts awake from a sleeping position.
Mary-Kate. Class ended thirty
Don't rush me. I'm finishing your
teacher evaluation fooooah!
Suddenly, Professor is at her desk, having just snatched the
form out of her hands.
Hey, I thought those were supposed
to be anonymous!
Please. Who else dots their i's
with glue and glitter?
He turns around the form revealing some glistening glitter
"Did the instructor allow room for
questions?" The instructor allowed
room for nothing because he takes
up all the room because he is
This is awkward.
"Is the instructor fair with
criticism?" If by fair you mean
fat, and by criticism you mean fat,
then yes, he is fat with fat.
"Is the instructor helpful
overall?" No. Overall, the
instructor is a hippo in a suit
from Men's Warehouse.
I could be wrong! Is it Sears?
Oh! Y'know what? It's time for me
to write your student evaluation!
He violently grabs a chair, pulls over a form, and starts
filling it out.
Aren't you supposed to do this on
your own t-
"Is the student respectful of NYU
property?" The student is sniffing
Hey. I brought this glue from home.
"Does the student work well with
others?" The student uses others as
Can I take a break?
Footrests don't talk.
"Does the student display a strong
understanding of the material?" The
student only ever displays her
(in a raptor pose)
What are you talking about?
Why do you hold your hands like
Because my nails are always wet.
"How would you describe the
student's performance?" The student
has never performed well in
anything in her life! She is a
She gasps. She breaks down in tears.
Oh. What's happening? You're
A brief cut of VMK reveals eye makeup running down her face.
Here. Do you want to clean that up?
Do you want fix that situation?
Have a wipe? Have a wipe of that
with one of these? These are
Kleenex. Well, technically, no.
They're- general brand.
You're right. You're right. I'm an
Don't say that.
You said that!
That's right. Leave it to me.
At this rate, I'll never be smart.
I'm gonna need to stay in college
Wow. I just realized something.
(checking off boxes)
Yes. See? All positive marks.
(snatching it away)
Wait. What just happened?
I may not be a lot of things, Fat
Professor, but one thing I'm not
not is a great actress.
She walks out. He calls after her.
That's a double negative!
That's a double chin!
Fat Professor checks for a double chin by rubbing his finger
below his face.