Very Mary-Kate: Evaluations

By

Elaine Carroll & Sam Reich

          INT. CLASSROOM DAY

          MARY-KATE is alone at her desk, filling out a form.
          PROFESSOR jolts awake from a sleeping position.

                              PROFESSOR
                    Mary-Kate. Class ended thirty
                    minutes ago.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Don't rush me. I'm finishing your
                    teacher evaluation fooooah!

          Suddenly, Professor is at her desk, having just snatched the
          form out of her hands.

                              MARY-KATE (CONT.)
                    Hey, I thought those were supposed
                    to be anonymous!

                              PROFESSOR
                    Please. Who else dots their i's
                    with glue and glitter?

          He turns around the form revealing some glistening glitter
          studs.

                              PROFESSOR (CONT.)
                         (reading)
                    "Did the instructor allow room for
                    questions?" The instructor allowed
                    room for nothing because he takes
                    up all the room because he is
                    room-sized.

                              MARY-KATE
                    This is awkward.

                              PROFESSOR
                    "Is the instructor fair with
                    criticism?" If by fair you mean
                    fat, and by criticism you mean fat,
                    then yes, he is fat with fat.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Eeeee.

                              PROFESSOR
                    "Is the instructor helpful
                    overall?" No. Overall, the
                    instructor is a hippo in a suit
                    from Men's Warehouse.

                              MARY-KATE
                    I could be wrong! Is it Sears?
                    Macy's?

                              PROFESSOR
                         (angrily)
                    Oh! Y'know what? It's time for me
                    to write your student evaluation!

          He violently grabs a chair, pulls over a form, and starts
          filling it out.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Aren't you supposed to do this on
                    your own t-

                              PROFESSOR
                    "Is the student respectful of NYU
                    property?" The student is sniffing
                    our glue.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Hey. I brought this glue from home.

                              PROFESSOR
                    "Does the student work well with
                    others?" The student uses others as
                    slaves!

                              JEREMY
                         (rises)
                    Can I take a break?

                              MARY-KATE
                    Footrests don't talk.

                              PROFESSOR
                    "Does the student display a strong
                    understanding of the material?" The
                    student only ever displays her
                    fingernails!

                              MARY-KATE
                         (in a raptor pose)
                    What are you talking about?

                              PROFESSOR
                    Why do you hold your hands like
                    that?

                              MARY-KATE
                    Because my nails are always wet.

                              PROFESSOR
                    "How would you describe the
                    student's performance?" The student
                    has never performed well in
                    anything in her life! She is a
                    terrible actress!

                              MARY-KATE
                    Fatso!

                              PROFESSOR
                    Brat!

                              MARY-KATE
                    Lardbutt!

                              PROFESSOR
                    Junkie!

                              MARY-KATE
                    Captain cake!     

                              PROFESSOR
                    Idiot!

          She gasps. She breaks down in tears.

                              PROFESSOR
                    Oh. What's happening? You're
                    making... noises.

          A brief cut of VMK reveals eye makeup running down her face.

                              PROFESSOR (CONT.)
                    Here. Do you want to clean that up?
                    Do you want fix that situation?
                    Have a wipe? Have a wipe of that
                    with one of these? These are
                    Kleenex. Well, technically, no.
                    They're- general brand.

                              MARY-KATE
                    You're right. You're right. I'm an
                    idiot.

                              PROFESSOR
                    Don't say that.

                              MARY-KATE
                    You said that!

                              PROFESSOR
                    That's right. Leave it to me.

                              MARY-KATE
                    At this rate, I'll never be smart.
                    I'm gonna need to stay in college
                    forever.

                              PROFESSOR
                    Wow. I just realized something.
                    You're- smart.

                              MARY-KATE
                         (through tears)
                    I is?

                              PROFESSOR
                         (checking off boxes)
                    Yes. See? All positive marks.

                              MARY-KATE
                         (snatching it away)
                    Thank you.

                              PROFESSOR
                    Wait. What just happened?

                              MARY-KATE
                    I may not be a lot of things, Fat
                    Professor, but one thing I'm not
                    not is a great actress.

          She walks out. He calls after her.

                              PROFESSOR
                         (calling)
                    That's a double negative!

                              MARY-KATE (O.S.)
                    That's a double chin!

          Fat Professor checks for a double chin by rubbing his finger
          below his face.

          End.