Why TV's longest running crime drama can never die.
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Sesame Street's hilarious "Law & Order: Special Letters Unit."
Law & Order Necrophiliacs
Emily Axford & Dan Gurewitch
EXT. CITY STREET - DAY A TAPED-OFF CRIME SCENE. DAN and EMILY, as two gruff detectives in trenchcoats, approach a DEAD BODY. Two EMTs and a few LOWER-LEVEL COPS mill about. DAN All right everyone, clear out. Detective Benson and I will take it from here. The various others walk off, leaving them alone. EMILY Poor son of a bitch. DAN No honor in putting a bullet in the back of a man's head. EMILY He was completely vulnerable. DAN If you think about it... he still is. EMILY I tell you, this kind of senseless violence makes me think there's no God. DAN If there isn't, then nobody's judging us. We could do whatever we want. In life. (re: corpse) To him. EMILY Too true. (into a tape recorder) Victim's left arm appears to have been dislocated. Contusion above left eyebrow, legs slightly spread. Almost flirtatious, inviting. An EMT walks up to the body. Dan stops him with an arm. DAN Step away, sir. He's in our hands now. (beat; as the EMT leaves) Our strong, curious hands. Emily turns to Dan. EMILY It's crazy the power we have, as detectives. As "alive people." DAN One minute he's buyin' groceries, the next he's lyin' cold on the pavement, and someone could just come along and treat him like their personal playground. Dan lightly runs his foot along the corpse's leg. DAN Has rigor mortis set in? EMILY Well, we could find out. Lift up that shirt, see if the nipples have become erect. DAN Wouldn't even have to ask his permission. (beat) What a soulless crime. EMILY Same could be said of this body. If you think about it, we're gonna send him to the crematorium, burn him to ashes. I mean, how is that any worse than if we, you know... tickled him? DAN Or spanked him, for that matter. The detectives KNEEL DOWN on either side of the corpse's face. EMILY Whoa. DAN What is it, Detective? EMILY I was just dusting for prints and our hands lightly touched. You don't- you don't think that meant anything, do you? DAN Well, I guess we can't conclusively say that he wouldn't have liked it. He didn't ask you to stop. EMILY Which I would respect if he did. But he didn't. He can't. Beat. Dan leans close to the dead man's face. DAN What happened to you? He ever-so-softly KISSES the dead man's cheek. EMILY Careful, Detective. It's important that we don't contaminate the body. Dan looks at her hand. REVEAL Emily is GENTLY RESTING HER HAND on the corpse's INNER THIGH. EMILY Oh, whoops. That happened. Dan looks at the corpse's forehead bullet wound. DAN The bullet left the skull right here... right at the hairline. Dan TENDERLY BRUSHES THE DEAD MAN'S HAIR AWAY FROM HIS FOREHEAD, and BITES HIS LOWER LIP. Dan and Emily get up and circle the body, squinting their eyes as they act out the victim's last moments, pointing out evidence. A FILTER and VAGUELY TRANSPARENT IMAGES dramatically transport us back to the crime. EMILY There's blood on this wall, which means the bullet must have been fired from over here. DAN The victim reached for his gun, but it was too late- he stumbled and dropped it as he fell backwards. EMILY As he took his last breath, he lay down to die... right... DAN & EMILY ...here. Both detectives lie down and SNUGGLE UP on either side of the body, lying CHEEK TO CHEEK. CUT TO STREETER (as a GRUFF POLICE CHIEF), looking at them through a chain-link fence. STREETER There go two of the finest detectives this city's ever seen. CUT BACK TO DAN AND EMILY, HUMPING THE BODY FROM EITHER SIDE. END.
|Dead Body||Mike Antonucci|
|Grieving Mother||Judith Bradshaw|
|Police Chief||Streeter Seidell|
|President of Original Content||Sam Reich|
|Vice President of Production / Executive Producer||Spencer Griffin|
|Director of Production||Sam Sparks|
|Director of Post Production||Michael Schaubach|
|Production Manager||Jeremy Reitz|
|Post Production Producer||Lacy Wittman|
|Art Director||Natalie Garcia-Mayor|
|Hair and Makeup||Liz Coakley|
|Sound Mixer||Jeff Gaumer|
|Camera Operator||Kenny Wu|
|1st Assistant Camera||Ed Herrera|
|Assistant Editor||Phil Fox|
|Post Production Coordinator||Amanda Madden|
|Production Accountant||Christine Rodriguez|
|Assistant Production Accountant||Erin Marshall|