Law & Order Necrophiliacs

By

Emily Axford & Dan Gurewitch

          EXT. CITY STREET - DAY

          A TAPED-OFF CRIME SCENE. DAN and EMILY, as two gruff
          detectives in trenchcoats, approach a DEAD BODY. Two EMTs
          and a few LOWER-LEVEL COPS mill about.

                              DAN
                    All right everyone, clear out.
                    Detective Benson and I will take it
                    from here.

          The various others walk off, leaving them alone.

                              EMILY
                    Poor son of a bitch.

                              DAN
                    No honor in putting a bullet in the
                    back of a man's head.

                              EMILY
                    He was completely vulnerable.

                              DAN
                    If you think about it... he still
                    is.

                              EMILY
                    I tell you, this kind of senseless
                    violence makes me think there's no
                    God.

                              DAN
                    If there isn't, then nobody's
                    judging us. We could do whatever we
                    want. In life.
                         (re: corpse)
                    To him.

                              EMILY
                    Too true.
                         (into a tape recorder)
                    Victim's left arm appears to have
                    been dislocated. Contusion above
                    left eyebrow, legs slightly spread.
                    Almost flirtatious, inviting.

          An EMT walks up to the body. Dan stops him with an arm.

                              DAN
                    Step away, sir. He's in our hands
                    now.
                         (beat; as the EMT leaves)
                    Our strong, curious hands.

          Emily turns to Dan.

                              EMILY
                    It's crazy the power we have, as
                    detectives. As "alive people."

                              DAN
                    One minute he's buyin' groceries,
                    the next he's lyin' cold on the
                    pavement, and someone could just
                    come along and treat him like their
                    personal playground.

          Dan lightly runs his foot along the corpse's leg.

                              DAN
                    Has rigor mortis set in?

                              EMILY
                    Well, we could find out. Lift up
                    that shirt, see if the nipples have
                    become erect.

                              DAN
                    Wouldn't even have to ask his
                    permission.
                         (beat)
                    What a soulless crime.

                              EMILY
                    Same could be said of this body. If
                    you think about it, we're gonna
                    send him to the crematorium, burn
                    him to ashes. I mean, how is that
                    any worse than if we, you know...
                    tickled him?

                              DAN
                    Or spanked him, for that matter.

          The detectives KNEEL DOWN on either side of the corpse's
          face.

                              EMILY
                    Whoa.

                              DAN
                    What is it, Detective?

                              EMILY
                    I was just dusting for prints and
                    our hands lightly touched. You
                    don't- you don't think that meant
                    anything, do you?

                              DAN
                    Well, I guess we can't conclusively
                    say that he wouldn't have liked it.
                    He didn't ask you to stop.

                              EMILY
                    Which I would respect if he did.
                    But he didn't. He can't.

          Beat. Dan leans close to the dead man's face.

                              DAN
                    What happened to you?

          He ever-so-softly KISSES the dead man's cheek.

                              EMILY
                    Careful, Detective. It's important
                    that we don't contaminate the body.

          Dan looks at her hand. REVEAL Emily is GENTLY RESTING HER
          HAND on the corpse's INNER THIGH.

                              EMILY
                    Oh, whoops. That happened.

          Dan looks at the corpse's forehead bullet wound.

                              DAN
                    The bullet left the skull right
                    here... right at the hairline.

          Dan TENDERLY BRUSHES THE DEAD MAN'S HAIR AWAY FROM HIS
          FOREHEAD, and BITES HIS LOWER LIP.

          Dan and Emily get up and circle the body, squinting their
          eyes as they act out the victim's last moments, pointing out
          evidence. A FILTER and VAGUELY TRANSPARENT IMAGES
          dramatically transport us back to the crime.

                              EMILY
                    There's blood on this wall, which
                    means the bullet must have been
                    fired from over here.

                              DAN
                    The victim reached for his gun, but
                    it was too late- he stumbled and
                    dropped it as he fell backwards.

                              EMILY
                    As he took his last breath, he lay
                    down to die... right...

                              DAN & EMILY
                    ...here.

          Both detectives lie down and SNUGGLE UP on either side of
          the body, lying CHEEK TO CHEEK.

          CUT TO STREETER (as a GRUFF POLICE CHIEF), looking at them
          through a chain-link fence.

                              STREETER
                    There go two of the finest
                    detectives this city's ever seen.
          CUT BACK TO DAN AND EMILY, HUMPING THE BODY FROM EITHER
          SIDE.

          END.