Boston Charms Cereal

By

Brian Murphy & Adam Conover

          Two kids, BOBBY AND SANDY, follow a rainbow.

                              BOBBY
                    Whoa! A rainbow!

          They get sucked up into the rainbow and ride it like a
          slide. They pass a sign reading "Boston" and are deposited
          on a shitty wood porch with a bowl of cereal. Sandy runs up
          and pick it up.

                              SANDY
                    Marshmallows!

          MICKEY THE MASSHOLE appears. He's a magical masshole in a
          green tuxedo t-shirt, backwards Red Sox cap, and magic cargo
          shorts.

                              MICKEY
                    What the hell are you kids doing?
                    You see some cereal on the porch
                    and you gonna eat it? Screw!

          Mickey's mom yells down from the second story.

                              MICKEY'S MOM
                    Tell the kids about the cereal
                    Mickey!

                              MICKEY
                    MA! GO BACK INSIDE!
                         (turns to the kids)
                    I'm Mickey The Masshole and these
                    are my Boston Chahms.

          Mickey shakes up a Sam Adams and pops the top. The beer
          fountain propels them through a cartoonified Boston. It's
          St. Patrick's Day. In the background two Massholes are in a
          vicious fist-fight. The kids look nervous.

                              MICKEY
                    Boston Chahms is full of sick nasty
                    marshmallows and some oat shit!

          In the background, they pass a girl in a pink Red Sox cap
          peeing in the middle of the street and two old gross people
          in St. Patrick's Day gear making out. The charms appear as
          platforms at the end of the beer fountain. As he rattles
          them off, Mickey and the kids jump from one charm to
          another.

                              MICKEY
                         (rhyming)
                    Chowdah, Sox and Wahlbergs a hand
                    flipping the bird, pints of Samuel
                    Adams,
                         (breaking the meter)
                    and Jeter suckin' A-Rod's dick!
                         (slaps Bobby)
                    Stop lookin' at his dick, ya
                    queeah!

          Two bowls appear in the kids' hands. A gallon of milk
          magically appears and pours into their cereal.

                              SANDY
                         (looking into it)
                    The milk is turning brown!

                              MICKEY
                    That's because Boston Chahms turns
                    milk to Jameson!

                              BOBBY
                         (sipping)
                    It burns.

          CU of a kitchen table with Boston Charms next to a side of
          beans, a pint of Guinness, and a pile of Boston Creme
          donuts.

                              MICKEY (O.S.)
                    Boston Chahms is part of a wicked
                    balanced breakfast. And it's motha
                    approved!

          REVEAL ERIN, Mickey's baby mama, breast feeding a baby.
          Mickey and the kids are with her in the kitchen.

                              ERIN
                    Fuck you, Mickey! Pay your child
                    support, you lazy piece of shit!

          Mickey grabs the pint of Guinness and smashes it against the
          wall. The kids are really scared.

                              MICKEY
                    Shut the fuck up, Erin! You fuck me
                    one time in the Fenway bathroom and
                    you think you own me! I'm out of
                    here!

          He escapes on a rainbow. Bobby and Sandy follow, but the
          rainbow is gone.

          Mickey sings to camera.

                              MICKEY
                    That's me Boston Chahms.
                         (singing)
                    They're wickedly delicious!

                              MICKEY'S MOM (O.S.)
                    Mickey, sing the song!

                              MICKEY
                    I JUST SANG THE SONG MA!

          END