It'll taste even better when you're puking it back up.
By Brian Murphy & Adam Conover
Two kids, BOBBY AND SANDY, follow a rainbow. BOBBY Whoa! A rainbow! They get sucked up into the rainbow and ride it like a slide. They pass a sign reading "Boston" and are deposited on a shitty wood porch with a bowl of cereal. Sandy runs up and pick it up. SANDY Marshmallows! MICKEY THE MASSHOLE appears. He's a magical masshole in a green tuxedo t-shirt, backwards Red Sox cap, and magic cargo shorts. MICKEY What the hell are you kids doing? You see some cereal on the porch and you gonna eat it? Screw! Mickey's mom yells down from the second story. MICKEY'S MOM Tell the kids about the cereal Mickey! MICKEY MA! GO BACK INSIDE! (turns to the kids) I'm Mickey The Masshole and these are my Boston Chahms. Mickey shakes up a Sam Adams and pops the top. The beer fountain propels them through a cartoonified Boston. It's St. Patrick's Day. In the background two Massholes are in a vicious fist-fight. The kids look nervous. MICKEY Boston Chahms is full of sick nasty marshmallows and some oat shit! In the background, they pass a girl in a pink Red Sox cap peeing in the middle of the street and two old gross people in St. Patrick's Day gear making out. The charms appear as platforms at the end of the beer fountain. As he rattles them off, Mickey and the kids jump from one charm to another. MICKEY (rhyming) Chowdah, Sox and Wahlbergs a hand flipping the bird, pints of Samuel Adams, (breaking the meter) and Jeter suckin' A-Rod's dick! (slaps Bobby) Stop lookin' at his dick, ya queeah! Two bowls appear in the kids' hands. A gallon of milk magically appears and pours into their cereal. SANDY (looking into it) The milk is turning brown! MICKEY That's because Boston Chahms turns milk to Jameson! BOBBY (sipping) It burns. CU of a kitchen table with Boston Charms next to a side of beans, a pint of Guinness, and a pile of Boston Creme donuts. MICKEY (O.S.) Boston Chahms is part of a wicked balanced breakfast. And it's motha approved! REVEAL ERIN, Mickey's baby mama, breast feeding a baby. Mickey and the kids are with her in the kitchen. ERIN Fuck you, Mickey! Pay your child support, you lazy piece of shit! Mickey grabs the pint of Guinness and smashes it against the wall. The kids are really scared. MICKEY Shut the fuck up, Erin! You fuck me one time in the Fenway bathroom and you think you own me! I'm out of here! He escapes on a rainbow. Bobby and Sandy follow, but the rainbow is gone. Mickey sings to camera. MICKEY That's me Boston Chahms. (singing) They're wickedly delicious! MICKEY'S MOM (O.S.) Mickey, sing the song! MICKEY I JUST SANG THE SONG MA! END