Very Mary-Kate: Shrooms

By

Elaine Carroll & Sam Reich

          INT. DINGY BASEMENT - NIGHT

          LIMOR and her two friends, KRON and TANELY, hover over some
          shroom tea.

                              KRON
                    So everyone should have three caps
                    and four stems.

                              TANELY
                    Wait... I have four stems and three
                    caps.

                              KRON
                    You'll be fine.

          There's a knock at the door. Limor opens it and reveals
          MARY-KATE. LIMOR MARY-KATE

                              LIMOR
                    Oh barf.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Hello!

                              LIMOR
                    How did you find me here?

                              MARY-KATE
                    You butt-dialed me!

                              LIMOR
                    That explains nothing.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Sure it does! I had my private
                    investigator trace the call and
                    then popped over in my Olsen Force
                    one helicopter and stashed my
                    parachute in your laundry room, so
                    if you see a parachute in there,
                    could you wash it on delicate?
                    Watcha doing?

                              TANLEY
                    Drugs.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Oooh, like Aderall? Ketamine?
                    Methylone?

                              KRON
                    Shrooms.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Shroomsapin? Shroomsacore?

                              LIMOR
                    Mushrooms?

                              MARY-KATE
                    Eeeee.

                              LIMOR
                    What? You don't do that shit?

                              MARY-KATE
                    No, I don't normally eat food.

                              LIMOR
                         (holding it up)
                    It's tea.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Thank you so much, it is like a
                    gusty 68 out there.

          She gulps it down. Limor looks on, amused. Mary-Kate reaches
          the end of it and her face twists up.

                              MARY-KATE (CONT.)
                    Ugh, it tastes like bark and leaves
                    and rake.

                              LIMOR
                    That was shroom tea, so. It looks
                    like you're tripping with us now.

                              MARY-KATE
                         (laughing it off)
                    Oh, I don't think so. I've done a
                    lot of drugs in my time, and it's
                    going to take more than a cup of
                    tea to get all of the water out of
                    this rowboat that I'm suddenly in.

                              LIMOR
                         (pulling her inside)
                    Come inside.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Man overboard!

          The door slams.

          INT. DINGY BASEMENT - LATER

          A top down shot of Mary-Kate and Limor. Their heads are
          nearly touching but their bodies are pointing in different
          directions. It's the classic drug trip shot.

                              LIMOR
                    And that's when I knew music would
                    always be a part of me. So I got
                    this tattoo. It's a base clef.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Ohhh. I always thought that was a
                    frowny face.

                              LIMOR
                    A frowny face?

                              MARY-KATE
                    Yeah, and I was all like, "Damn,
                    this girl is DARK."

          They laugh. Limor adjusts herself so that she's facing
          Mary-Kate.

                              LIMOR
                    I'm dark, huh?

                              MARY-KATE
                    Yeah.

                              LIMOR
                         (laying back down)
                    Whatever. Life is dark. Life is a
                    lonely trudge toward death. Not
                    that you'd know anything about it.

                              MARY-KATE
                    About what? Loneliness? Hello. I
                    followed your butt dial here in a
                    helicopter.

                              LIMOR
                    Yeah, but you're rich. And famous.
                    And a bodyguard follows you
                    everywhere.

                              MARY-KATE
                    That's not true.

                              LIMOR
                    Yes it is. He's standing right
                    there.

          Bodyguard stands nearby and taps his watch.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Can I get an ETD?

                              MARY-KATE
                    Okay, so I'm rich and famous and
                    different than everyone else. How
                    do you think that makes me feel?

                              LIMOR
                    Yeah, but you're different better.
                    I'm different worse. Look at me,
                    with the make-up, and the parties,
                    and the drugs...

          Mary-Kate indicates to herself.

                              LIMOR
                    Ha. Yeah.

                              TANELY
                    Guys. Guys. Kron has an
                    announcement to make.

          KRON turns on and off a flashlight rapidly.

                              MARY-KATE / LIMOR
                    Oooh. / Holy shit.

          INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

          Professor finishes up a lesson. Mary-Kate and Limor sit next
          to each other, awkwardly. Limor is in her own world;
          Mary-Kate glances over at her nervously.

                              PROFESSOR
                    Again, these are the answers to the
                    test, so if you fail at this point,
                    you're pretty much braindead. Class
                    is over, get out.

                              MARY-KATE
                    So...

          Limor leaves abruptly. Mary-Kate slumps down, defeated. She
          glances down at her paper.

          Limor has drawn a base clef frowny face. Close on Mary-Kate
          as she grins weepily.

          END.