By Emily Axford & Streeter Seidell
The following video cuts between DRUNK SELF, a St. Patrick's Day decked out drunken mess in a dark room, and SOBER SELF, the same guy, but insanely hungover and just woke up, the next morning. DRUNK SELF Hey, I got a feeling I'm gonna forget this St. Patty's Day, but I don't want to, so I'm making this video. What's up, me? SOBER SELF What the fuck did you do to me. DRUNK SELF I'm gonna have an epic night. I just stopped back here to take a shit cause obviously I'm not gonna dump at a bar. SOBER SELF No you're not. DRUNK SELF Also, I'll be pretty busy later tonight, laying pipe in some drunk Irish babe. SOBER SELF No. You're not. You're in an LDR with Trish. You're making it work. (beat) And I don't think you ever took that shit. I think you got distracted making this video, forgot, then took a shit in a bag... Holds up a TRADER JOHN'S BAG FULL OF SHIT. SOBER SELF ...and carried it around with you for the rest of the night. Drunk Self is laughing. DRUNK SELF Branowitz just texted me. He's gonna give me $20 if I shave a dick into my head. I'm gonna do it. SOBER SELF No you're not. DRUNK SELF Spend that $20 on BEER. SOBER SELF Well, I don't think you- DRUNK SELF And since I'm 1/8th Irish, I'm totes getting a shammy tat, right... (pointing to heart) ...here. Sober Self lifts shirt. There's nothing. He is relieved. SOBER SELF Oh thank God you're not that stupid. CUTS BACK - Drunk Self is chugging from two bottles of Jameson at the same time. DRUNK SELF That's called the Irish Walrus. Moo. (wiping mouth) Good news! I adopted a dog! SOBER SELF What? DRUNK SELF I bought it from some Crust Punks for a beer. Lucy! As he calls, a mangy mutt enters. In the Sober Self screen, a dog also enters, responding to the call of the video. DRUNK SELF I named him after dead Grandma. Look at how big his nuts are! Sober Self fights off mangy mutt. Reveal Drunk self rubbing his exposed chest on the dog. DRUNK SELF HAHAHAHAHAHA! SOBER SELF Gross! Stop! Drunk Self stops. DRUNK SELF Oh! I got this awesomest idea: if I look like I already got beat up, no one will try to fight me. Drunk Self readies hand for contact with his own face. SOBER SELF (pointing to his black eye) Okay, so that's where this came- Drunk Self interrupts him by punching himself in the mouth. DRUNK SELF Ow. He spits out a tooth. SOBER SELF Jesus. Sober Self reaches in his mouth and finds no tooth, just a painful wound. Sober Self gets a VOICEMAIL ALERT from his phone. He shows it to Drunk Self. SOBER SELF Look. Ten missed calls from Trish. What did you do to her?? As he talks we see a nasty Crust Punk girl wake up in the background of the Sober Self video and start scrounging for her shit. SOBER SELF (oblivious) Drunkenly try to get Trish to show you her boobs on skype. Try to take a screenshot? Were you trying to get sex pictures from her? You're trying to spend your life with her! Back to Drunk Self, on the phone with Trish. DRUNK SELF Trish. Trish. I wanna experiment with an open relationship. Where I'm open to do whatever I want. And you're open to that idea. Anywho, Happy St. Fatty-s Day. Seriously you're gaining weight. He hangs up. SOBER SELF Oh my god, stop! Please stop making horrible decisions that I have to deal with! Okay? Drink some water, fall asleep on the futon, wake up with a healthy but not overwhelming amount of guilt, and show up late to work like everyone else! Drunk Self looks like he's listening, really concentrating and learning a lesson. REVEAL he was shitting in a bag. DRUNK SELF (amused by self) I shit in a bag! He holds up a HOLE FOODS Bag. DRUNK SELF I learned this from the Crust Punks. SOBER SELF Wait, that's not the same bag. You shit in two bags? NASTY CRUST PUNK GIRL No. Sober Self turns around to see the NASTY CRUST PUNK GIRL. We see he has a dick shaved into his head. NASTY CRUST PUNK GIRL I shit in the other one. SOBER SELF Oh God, who are you? He stands up to reveal nasty bloody shamrock tramp stamp tattoo. END.