Hardly Working: Butt Dial

By

Emily Axford and Brian Murphy

          NOTE: When Murph's Butt has a line, there is scary music.

          INT. OFFICE

          EMILY is talking to DAN, at Dan's desk.

                              DAN
                    I mean, if I was in Looper, I
                    would've killed myself right away.
                    First scene.

                              EMILY
                    Hold on, Murph's calling me.

          They look over at Murph, innocently working at his desk.

                              DAN
                    He must be butt dialing you. Pick
                    it up and talk to his butt.

                              EMILY
                         (picks up phone, cheeky) 
                    Hey Murph's butt. How's it-

                              MURPH'S BUTT (O.S.)
                         (deep, scary voice)
                    Shut your mouth, you fucking bitch.

                              EMILY
                    Who is-?

          Emily looks over at Murph. Pan down to REVEAL MURPH'S BUTT
          with an iPhone.

                              MURPH'S BUTT
                    It's Murph's Butt.

                              DAN
                         (oblivious, having fun)
                    Ask him if he's pooping right now!

                              MURPH'S BUTT (O.S.)
                    Here's what's gonna happen. I'm
                    gonna hang up the phone and you're
                    gonna pretend like everything's
                    okay. Oh, but it's NOT. I'm coming
                    for you.

          Abrupt hang up. Dial tone. Emily lowers the phone in shock.

                                                          CUT TO:

          INT. OFFICE - NIGHT

          Emily is at her desk in a mostly empty office.

                              DAN
                    Night, Em. Just gonna go home and
                    wash myself in the sink.

          Emily nods as Dan leaves. She is startled by a vibration. It
          is just her phone. Phew. It's a call from Murph.

                              EMILY
                    Hey, Murph, what's up?

                              MURPH'S BUTT (O.S.)
                    What has cheeks, but no smile?

          Emily lets out a frightened gasp.

                              MURPH'S BUTT (O.S.)
                    Murph's Butt. I'm gonna fucking
                    kill you.

          She throws the phone.

                                                          CUT TO:

          EXT. OFFICE - NIGHT

          Emily is walking home nervously. She checks her phone. There
          are MANY messages from Murph. She listens to one.

                              MURPH'S BUTT (O.S.)
                    You shouldn't walk home alone,
                    Emily. No ifs, ands, or butts.

          Emily, horrified, deletes it. She plays another.

                              MURPH'S BUTT (O.S.)
                         (singing)
                    Hush little baby, don't say a-
                         (snapping)
                    MURPH'S BUTT WILL SLASH YOU.

          She deletes it. She starts crying.

                              DAN
                    Hey Em, it's Dan. Do we have a
                    meeting today? I got an email about
                    it but I can't read.

          She deletes it.

                              MURPH'S BUTT (O.S.)
                    You think I'm fucking around. You
                    think this is fucking funny?

          Murph's Butt sneezes out a fart.

                              MURPH'S BUTT (O.S.)
                    Uh, that was a sneeze, not a fart.
                         (terrifying again)
                    You're fucking dead.

          She cries and hits the delete button over and over.

                                                          CUT TO:

          INT. OFFICE - DAY

          Emily approaches Dan secretively, scared of being overheard.

                              EMILY
                    Dan, Murph's butt won't stop
                    dialing me.

                              DAN
                         (laughing)
                    Ask if he's poop-

          Emily slaps Dan.

                              EMILY
                    He's not. He's trying to kill me.

          The phone rings again. She breaks down crying. Dan knows
          what must be done. He puts a hand on her shoulder.

                              DAN
                    I'll save you.

          Dan grabs the phone from her.

                              DAN
                    Listen up, motherfucker-

                              MURPH'S BUTT
                    Hello?

          Dan lets out a girlish yelp and hides under his desk. Emily,
          panicked, turns around. Murph is RIGHT THERE.

                              MURPH
                    Did you guys know you can make your
                    own Gogurt?

          Murph slurps yogurt out of a gallon freezer bag. Emily
          interrupts Murph to get down and scream at his butt.

                              EMILY
                    What do you want from me!?

          Murph's Butt whips out a GUN.

                              MURPH'S BUTT
                    For you to die.

          Emily lunges for the gun. They wrestle over it as action
          music swells. Cut back to Murph, who is still eating
          homemade Gogurt. Back to the fight. The gun goes off. Music
          cuts out.

          REVEAL Dan has been shot.

                              EMILY/MURPH'S BUTT
                    No!

          As Dan falls, Murph's Butt dives to catch him. Cue sad
          music.

                              MURPH'S BUTT
                    I'm so sorry. This was all for you.
                    I saw her talking to you and I got
                    jealous, I-

          Dan holds up a finger to shush Murph's Butt.

                              DAN
                    Shh. Kiss me one last time.

          They kiss. Dan dies.

                              MURPH'S BUTT
                    Good night, my little monkey.

          Murph's Butt turns the gun on himself and shoots. Wideout to
          Murph sitting over Dan's head, Emily watching on.

                              MURPH
                    Owwww. My hiney.

          END.