By Emily Axford and Brian Murphy
NOTE: When Murph's Butt has a line, there is scary music. INT. OFFICE EMILY is talking to DAN, at Dan's desk. DAN I mean, if I was in Looper, I would've killed myself right away. First scene. EMILY Hold on, Murph's calling me. They look over at Murph, innocently working at his desk. DAN He must be butt dialing you. Pick it up and talk to his butt. EMILY (picks up phone, cheeky) Hey Murph's butt. How's it- MURPH'S BUTT (O.S.) (deep, scary voice) Shut your mouth, you fucking bitch. EMILY Who is-? Emily looks over at Murph. Pan down to REVEAL MURPH'S BUTT with an iPhone. MURPH'S BUTT It's Murph's Butt. DAN (oblivious, having fun) Ask him if he's pooping right now! MURPH'S BUTT (O.S.) Here's what's gonna happen. I'm gonna hang up the phone and you're gonna pretend like everything's okay. Oh, but it's NOT. I'm coming for you. Abrupt hang up. Dial tone. Emily lowers the phone in shock. CUT TO: INT. OFFICE - NIGHT Emily is at her desk in a mostly empty office. DAN Night, Em. Just gonna go home and wash myself in the sink. Emily nods as Dan leaves. She is startled by a vibration. It is just her phone. Phew. It's a call from Murph. EMILY Hey, Murph, what's up? MURPH'S BUTT (O.S.) What has cheeks, but no smile? Emily lets out a frightened gasp. MURPH'S BUTT (O.S.) Murph's Butt. I'm gonna fucking kill you. She throws the phone. CUT TO: EXT. OFFICE - NIGHT Emily is walking home nervously. She checks her phone. There are MANY messages from Murph. She listens to one. MURPH'S BUTT (O.S.) You shouldn't walk home alone, Emily. No ifs, ands, or butts. Emily, horrified, deletes it. She plays another. MURPH'S BUTT (O.S.) (singing) Hush little baby, don't say a- (snapping) MURPH'S BUTT WILL SLASH YOU. She deletes it. She starts crying. DAN Hey Em, it's Dan. Do we have a meeting today? I got an email about it but I can't read. She deletes it. MURPH'S BUTT (O.S.) You think I'm fucking around. You think this is fucking funny? Murph's Butt sneezes out a fart. MURPH'S BUTT (O.S.) Uh, that was a sneeze, not a fart. (terrifying again) You're fucking dead. She cries and hits the delete button over and over. CUT TO: INT. OFFICE - DAY Emily approaches Dan secretively, scared of being overheard. EMILY Dan, Murph's butt won't stop dialing me. DAN (laughing) Ask if he's poop- Emily slaps Dan. EMILY He's not. He's trying to kill me. The phone rings again. She breaks down crying. Dan knows what must be done. He puts a hand on her shoulder. DAN I'll save you. Dan grabs the phone from her. DAN Listen up, motherfucker- MURPH'S BUTT Hello? Dan lets out a girlish yelp and hides under his desk. Emily, panicked, turns around. Murph is RIGHT THERE. MURPH Did you guys know you can make your own Gogurt? Murph slurps yogurt out of a gallon freezer bag. Emily interrupts Murph to get down and scream at his butt. EMILY What do you want from me!? Murph's Butt whips out a GUN. MURPH'S BUTT For you to die. Emily lunges for the gun. They wrestle over it as action music swells. Cut back to Murph, who is still eating homemade Gogurt. Back to the fight. The gun goes off. Music cuts out. REVEAL Dan has been shot. EMILY/MURPH'S BUTT No! As Dan falls, Murph's Butt dives to catch him. Cue sad music. MURPH'S BUTT I'm so sorry. This was all for you. I saw her talking to you and I got jealous, I- Dan holds up a finger to shush Murph's Butt. DAN Shh. Kiss me one last time. They kiss. Dan dies. MURPH'S BUTT Good night, my little monkey. Murph's Butt turns the gun on himself and shoots. Wideout to Murph sitting over Dan's head, Emily watching on. MURPH Owwww. My hiney. END.