Very Mary-Kate: Conference Call

By

Elaine Carroll & Sam Reich

          INT. VARIOUS APARTMENTS - NIGHT

          A bunch of split-screens.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Ash-face? It's me, M-cakes.

                              ASHLEY
                    I know, silly pants. Your ring is a
                    meow.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Oh my God I'm adorable. So what'd
                    you get for question one?

                              ASHLEY
                    Question one? Um, Earth to MK, come
                    in MK, this is reality speaking on
                    behalf of duh. I'm not in your
                    class.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Oh yeah, yeah, you're right. Hold
                    on.

          Buzz.

                              PROFESSOR
                    Bill Bines.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Fat professor? What's the answer to
                    number one.

                              PROFESSOR
                    Mary-Kate, it's 10pm. I am in my
                    nightgown. Figure it out yourself.

                              ASHLEY
                    Hey, don't talk to my sister that
                    way.

                              PROFESSOR
                    Your sister? Wait- there are two
                    Hello? of you?

                              MARY-KATE / ASHLEY
                    Yeah. / Hello.

                              PROFESSOR
                    Dear God. They're in stereo.

                              ASHLEY
                    Mary-Kate, he's being mean to you.

                              MARY-KATE
                    I'll take care of it.

          Buzz.

          

                              BODYGUARD
                    Hello?

                              MARY-KATE
                    Bodyguard, Fat Professor is being
                    mean to me.

                              PROFESSOR
                    I am not!

                              BODYGUARD
                    It's your word against his.

                              ASHLEY
                    Witness.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Fine. What do you want me to do
                    about it?

                              MARY-KATE
                    Protect me! Emotionally!

                              BODYGUARD
                    Mr. Bines-

                              PROFESSOR
                    No, please. Fat Professor. It's my
                    life now.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Don't be mean to Mary-Kate.
                    Mary-Kate, are you happy?

                              MARY-KATE
                    I'm like a seven.

                              PROFESSOR
                    Mary-Kate, if you had trouble with
                    the homework you should have called
                    a classmate.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Hold please.

          Buzz.

                              JEWISH-LOOKING GIRL
                    What?

                              MARY-KATE
                    Hey girley girl. How'd you do with
                    the homework assignment? Me and Ash
                    and Fat Professor and Bodyguard are
                    wondering. Say hi everyone.

                              ASHLEY / PROFESSOR / BODYGUARD
                    Hey / Greetings / Hello.

                              JEWISH-LOOKING GIRL
                    Oh my God, you're Brady Bunching
                    me?

                              PROFESSOR
                    I get it. Because of the implied
                    split-screen.

                              ASHLEY
                    I don't think we've ever met.

                              JEWISH-LOOKING GIRL
                    And yet you're so tragically
                    familiar.

                              PHIL HOFFMAN
                    Hahaha.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Wait, who was that?  

                              PHIL HOFFMAN
                    Who was what? Me? Phil Hoffman?
                    Nah. I'm from the phone company.
                    We're doing a survey. Do you like
                    me yes or no?

                              BODYGUARD
                    You don't sound very official.

                              PHIL HOFFMAN
                    Sure I do. Pig fuck.

                              ASHLEY
                    Mary-Kate, this is a waste of time.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Don't leave! If you do, I'll have
                    to call my other sister.

                              ASHLEY
                    Don't bring Lizzy into this.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Lizzy? No, I meant my other other
                    sister. Hold on.

          Buzz.

                              JODIE
                    Hello?

                              MARY-KATE
                    Hi Jodie Sweetin! It's Mary-Kate
                    Olsen and Ashley and Fat Professor
                    and Bodyguard and Jewish-Looking
                    Girl and weird guy from the phone
                    company.

                              EVERYONE
                    Hey / Salutations / Hello / Jesus /
                    Is your phone working or...

                              JODIE
                    Who?

                              MARY-KATE
                    Mary-Kate! From Full House?
                    Everywhere you look...

                              JODIE
                    Oh. God. Mary-Kate. What's up?

                              MARY-KATE
                    Not much. Those residual checks
                    still coming in?

                              JODIE
                    Yup. You?

                              MARY-KATE
                    I don't know, I don't do my own
                    banking. Hey, do you ever see the
                    Gibler?

                              JODIE
                    You mean Andrea Barber? Yeah, all
                    the time.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Great, good, that's great. I keep
                    in pretty good touch with Ashley.

                              ASHLEY
                    Yeah, we keep in pretty good touch.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Yeah.

                              ASHLEY
                    Yeah.

                              JODIE
                    Okay...  

                              MARY-KATE
                    So, I know we haven't talked in
                    forever, and this is like coming
                    out of nowhere, but I was
                    wondering, who was the sixteenth
                    president?

                              JODIE
                    Lincoln?

                              MARY-KATE
                    Great, thanks. I'll see ya!

                              JODIE
                    Wait. Did you just call me for an
                    answer to a homework assignment?
                    How... insulting.

                              MARY-KATE
                    How what?

                              JODIE
                    How... impolite.

                              BODYGUARD
                    How what?

                              JODIE
                    How... inconsiderate.

                              JEWISH-LOOKING GIRL
                    How what?

                              JODIE
                         (sigh)
                    Are you just trying to get me to
                    say how rude?

                              EVERYBODY
                    Yay!

                              ASHLEY
                    Hang up, hang up, hang up!

          Everybody hangs up except Professor and Phil Hoffman.

                              PROFESSOR
                    Hello? Is this still a thing?

                              PHIL HOFFMAN
                    Hi there. What are you doing now?
                    You wanna phone... you wanna free
                    phone? I'm in the neighborhood.

          Professor hangs up.

                              PHIL HOFFMAN
                         (pulling up binoculars)
                    I can see you. I like your
                    nightgown.