Mary-Kate needs help with a homework assignment, and enlists the help of everyone she knows.
By Elaine Carroll & Sam Reich
INT. VARIOUS APARTMENTS - NIGHT A bunch of split-screens. MARY-KATE Ash-face? It's me, M-cakes. ASHLEY I know, silly pants. Your ring is a meow. MARY-KATE Oh my God I'm adorable. So what'd you get for question one? ASHLEY Question one? Um, Earth to MK, come in MK, this is reality speaking on behalf of duh. I'm not in your class. MARY-KATE Oh yeah, yeah, you're right. Hold on. Buzz. PROFESSOR Bill Bines. MARY-KATE Fat professor? What's the answer to number one. PROFESSOR Mary-Kate, it's 10pm. I am in my nightgown. Figure it out yourself. ASHLEY Hey, don't talk to my sister that way. PROFESSOR Your sister? Wait- there are two Hello? of you? MARY-KATE / ASHLEY Yeah. / Hello. PROFESSOR Dear God. They're in stereo. ASHLEY Mary-Kate, he's being mean to you. MARY-KATE I'll take care of it. Buzz. BODYGUARD Hello? MARY-KATE Bodyguard, Fat Professor is being mean to me. PROFESSOR I am not! BODYGUARD It's your word against his. ASHLEY Witness. BODYGUARD Fine. What do you want me to do about it? MARY-KATE Protect me! Emotionally! BODYGUARD Mr. Bines- PROFESSOR No, please. Fat Professor. It's my life now. BODYGUARD Don't be mean to Mary-Kate. Mary-Kate, are you happy? MARY-KATE I'm like a seven. PROFESSOR Mary-Kate, if you had trouble with the homework you should have called a classmate. MARY-KATE Hold please. Buzz. JEWISH-LOOKING GIRL What? MARY-KATE Hey girley girl. How'd you do with the homework assignment? Me and Ash and Fat Professor and Bodyguard are wondering. Say hi everyone. ASHLEY / PROFESSOR / BODYGUARD Hey / Greetings / Hello. JEWISH-LOOKING GIRL Oh my God, you're Brady Bunching me? PROFESSOR I get it. Because of the implied split-screen. ASHLEY I don't think we've ever met. JEWISH-LOOKING GIRL And yet you're so tragically familiar. PHIL HOFFMAN Hahaha. MARY-KATE Wait, who was that? PHIL HOFFMAN Who was what? Me? Phil Hoffman? Nah. I'm from the phone company. We're doing a survey. Do you like me yes or no? BODYGUARD You don't sound very official. PHIL HOFFMAN Sure I do. Pig fuck. ASHLEY Mary-Kate, this is a waste of time. MARY-KATE Don't leave! If you do, I'll have to call my other sister. ASHLEY Don't bring Lizzy into this. MARY-KATE Lizzy? No, I meant my other other sister. Hold on. Buzz. JODIE Hello? MARY-KATE Hi Jodie Sweetin! It's Mary-Kate Olsen and Ashley and Fat Professor and Bodyguard and Jewish-Looking Girl and weird guy from the phone company. EVERYONE Hey / Salutations / Hello / Jesus / Is your phone working or... JODIE Who? MARY-KATE Mary-Kate! From Full House? Everywhere you look... JODIE Oh. God. Mary-Kate. What's up? MARY-KATE Not much. Those residual checks still coming in? JODIE Yup. You? MARY-KATE I don't know, I don't do my own banking. Hey, do you ever see the Gibler? JODIE You mean Andrea Barber? Yeah, all the time. MARY-KATE Great, good, that's great. I keep in pretty good touch with Ashley. ASHLEY Yeah, we keep in pretty good touch. MARY-KATE Yeah. ASHLEY Yeah. JODIE Okay... MARY-KATE So, I know we haven't talked in forever, and this is like coming out of nowhere, but I was wondering, who was the sixteenth president? JODIE Lincoln? MARY-KATE Great, thanks. I'll see ya! JODIE Wait. Did you just call me for an answer to a homework assignment? How... insulting. MARY-KATE How what? JODIE How... impolite. BODYGUARD How what? JODIE How... inconsiderate. JEWISH-LOOKING GIRL How what? JODIE (sigh) Are you just trying to get me to say how rude? EVERYBODY Yay! ASHLEY Hang up, hang up, hang up! Everybody hangs up except Professor and Phil Hoffman. PROFESSOR Hello? Is this still a thing? PHIL HOFFMAN Hi there. What are you doing now? You wanna phone... you wanna free phone? I'm in the neighborhood. Professor hangs up. PHIL HOFFMAN (pulling up binoculars) I can see you. I like your nightgown.