By Brian Murphy
INT. OFFICE Chris Brown's PUBLICIST, Matt McCarthy, answers his Blue Tooth. It's Chris Brown. PUBLICIST Chris Breezy, how's my favorite triple threat? CHRIS BROWN (O.S.) I kicked Nicki Minaj. PUBLICIST You kicked her out of a club, or- CHRIS BROWN (O.S.) Nah, with my leg. I scissor kicked that lady. PUBLICIST Okay, not cool, buddy. You GOTTA keep that temper in check. Did she come at you first? CHRIS BROWN (O.S.) She was sleeping. I broke into her house and I kicked her while she was sleeping. PUBLICIST Jesus. (takes a deep breath) Okay. I'll set up a photo-op at a battered womens shelter. You'll donate some money, shake a few hands, as long as you stay on your best behavior- SMASH CUT TO: The publicist is reading a New York Post. The headline reads "Chris Brown Breaks, Enters, Kicks!" with a picture of Chris hovering over Nicki Minaj in bed. Each scene starts with the publicist reading a tabloid with a cover story about Chris' most recent crime. PUBLICIST You hit Adam Levine with your car. CHRIS BROWN (O.S.) No. I hit Maroon 5. All of em'. PUBLICIST How do you run over a whole band? CHRIS BROWN (O.S.) It was hard, man, some of those fuckers were on the sidewalk. PUBLICIST (annoyed) No, I mean, how do you, as a person, think it's OK to hit five people with your car? CHRIS BROWN (O.S.) They're always singin' about moves like Jagger and shit! SING ABOUT MY MOVES, MAROON 5! The publicist takes a deep breath and gathers his thoughts. PUBLICIST We'll get you on some morning shows. You'll cover a Maroon 5 song and cry. Just no more vehicular assaults. No more punching- CUT TO: Post headline reads "Moves are Staggered" with a picture of Chris Brown driving and Adam Levine's broken legs. CHRIS BROWN (O.S.) I punched Eminem. PUBLICIST OK, you know what? He's a tough guy. Hell, he's a violent guy, we can spin this, say he started it- CHRIS BROWN (O.S.) (clears his throat) Sorry, there was something in my throat. I punched Eminem's cat. Beat. PUBLICIST (very annoyed) Maroon 5 is one thing, Chris, but people love cats! (loud, frustrated groan) How about this? We duct tape oven mits to your hands so you are physically incapable of assaulting anyone. CUT TO: New York Post headline reads "Slim Kitty, Slim Chance of Survival" with picture of an angry Chris Brown and Eminem holding a cat. CHRIS BROWN (O.S.) The mits are working great. PUBLICIST Good! CHRIS BROWN (O.S.) I smothered Willow Smith with em'. PUBLICIST (disbelief) No. CUT TO: New York Post headline reads "Willow Waning" with a picture of Chris Brown wearing oven mits and Willow Smith in critical condition. Blue tooth rings. PUBLICIST Gimme some non-violent news, Chris! Silence. PUBLICIST (yelling) Gimme some news, Chris. CHRIS BROWN (O.S.) I slashed up Seal's face again. CUT TO: New York Post headline reads "Slash From a Rose" with a picture of Seal covered in bandages. CHRIS BROWN I got into a scuffle with 2Pac. PUBLICIST He's alive? CHRIS BROWN Nah, I dug him up. The publicist crumples his newspaper. CUT TO: New York Post headline reads "2Pac 2 Furious" with Chris Brown beating the shit out of a casket. CHRIS BROWN I murdered Sisqo. PUBLICIST Well, maybe no one will notice. CUT TO: Post headline reads "Chris Brown Kills Unknown Guy" with a picture of Chris covered in blood. CHRIS BROWN (O.S.) I'm choking Usher. PUBLICIST (horrified) Right now? We hear choking noises and struggling. USHER (O.S.) Help! CUT TO: The publicist holds a New York Post with the headline "Usher'd to Hell" with a picture of Chris Brown and Usher. The publicist is listening in, horrified: Brown is peeing. CHRIS BROWN (O.S.) Yeah, you like that? (going berserk) YOU LIKE THAT!? We hear horrible punching sounds and girls screaming. The publicist closes his eyes and cries. The headline reads "Chris Brown Pees on Same Girls R. Kelly Peed On, Punches Them." JAY-Z is screaming and a BABY is crying. The publicist is very concerned. JAY-Z (O.S.) My baby! We hear a horrible punting sound. The publicist's eyes widen. JAY-Z (O.S.) You crazy for this one, Chris. CUT TO: The publicist holds up a Post with the headline "Chris Brown Punts Blue Ivy." He's shaking with anger. CHRIS BROWN (O.S.) I punched Eminem's cat. PUBLICIST AGAIN!? CHRIS BROWN (O.S.) I'm not finished. I punched Eminem's cat so hard that it flew into his daughter and broke her nose. I broke Hailie's nose with a cat. PUBLICIST I quit. CHRIS BROWN (O.S.) WHAT!? You can't quit on me! We hear Chris punching the phone and screaming. PUBLICIST (freaking out) Chris, are you punching the phone? That's not gonna do anything! Punching does not solve every problem. Do you hear me, you violent fucking lunatic? Beat of silence. CHRIS BROWN (O.S.) I'm sorry, I got carried away. You're just trying to help. PUBLICIST Finally. Thank you. CHRIS BROWN (O.S.) Has any of this stuff affected my record sales? PUBLICIST You know what's weird. Not at all? END POST HUH: CHRIS BROWN (O.S.) I stabbed Del The Funky Homosapien with a fork. CUT TO: CHRIS BROWN (O.S.) I powerbombed Bruno Mars. CUT TO: CHRIS BROWN (O.S.) I bruised Kendrick Lamar's tailbone with my tailbone. CUT TO: CHRIS BROWN (O.S.) I popped Fergie's lumps with an ice pick. CUT TO: CHRIS BROWN (O.S.) I punched Montell Jordan's face so hard it broke his back. CUT TO: CHRIS BROWN (O.S.) I maced Kelly Rowland. CUT TO: CHRIS BROWN (O.S.) I filleted Lil' Romeo. CUT TO: CHRIS BROWN (O.S.) I ate Nelly. CUT TO: CHRIS BROWN (O.S.) That girl that sang "Ghetto Superstar?" She's dead and it's my fault. CUT TO: CHRIS BROWN (O.S.) I poisoned the cast of Mama Mia.