Mary-Kate creates her own drinking game, and quickly gets sick of it.
By Elaine Carroll & Sam Reich
INT. KITCHEN - DAY MARY-KATE and BODYGUARD are at the counter. Mary-Kate holds a bottle of CHERRY RUM. Bodyguard turns around with Mary-Kate's morning drink prepared. BODYGUARD Your mocha laxative crapucchino is ready. MARY-KATE No need. Today, I'm playing the Mary-Kate drinking game! BODYGUARD The Mary-Kate drinking game? MARY-KATE You repeated what I said! She glugs. BODYGUARD So how do you play the Mary-Kate drinking game? MARY-KATE Well, everyone - meaning me - gets a bottle of cherry rum to themselves - meaning me-self - and glugs it whenever MK - me again - does something very Mary-Kate. (beat) I just got chills. BODYGUARD (skepticle) Was this game created this morning? MARY-KATE No, silly. It's a long-standing tradition, dating all the way back to Olsen family gatherings of the 1990s, when the rules were simple: drink whenever there's an awkward pause. BODYGUARD I'm pretty sure everyone plays that game. MARY-KATE But, over time, the rules became more complicated, and now I'm the only one who knows them all. No one plays the me D game better than me. BODYGUARD What are they? MARY-KATE Oh my God, there are sooo many. Drink when I hold my hands like this, when I fall asleep, when I take a pill, when I call Fat Professor fat, when anyone says my name, when there's a Full House quote, when I say Comet... I just said Comet! (Glug.) BODYGUARD Wait a sec. If you're making the rules, and drinking whenever the rules apply, then aren't you just drinking whenever you want? MARY-KATE You saw right through me! (Glug.) BODYGUARD If you keep drinking like this, you're going to get drunk pretty fast. MARY-KATE That's what games the make so fun! Funs the game so make? You know what: you have the words. You sort 'em out. Bodyguard rolls his eyes. MARY-KATE (CONT'D) You rolled your eyes! (Glug.) BODYGUARD Mary-Kate- MARY-KATE You said my name! (Glug.) BODYGUARD Stop it! MARY-KATE Full House quote! (Glug.) BODYGUARD Full House quote? MARY-KATE Yeah, I'm sure someone said it at some point. Y'know, eight seasons. Also, you repeated what I said! (Glug.) BODYGUARD Fine. Then I'm just going to stand here, very still, doing nothing. He does. A long beat. Mary-Kate watches him, but nothing happens. MARY-KATE Fat Professor's fat. (Glug.) BODYGUARD You just said that to be able to drink! MARY-KATE You saw right through me! (Glug.) Suddenly Mary-Kate suddenly looks nauseated. MARY-KATE Uh-oh. Sudden death. She pukes. MARY-KATE I puked! She glugs, then pukes again, then glugs again, then pukes again. BODYGUARD Ugh. I'm going to be sick. Bodyguard pukes. MARY-KATE You puked! She drinks again, then pukes again. They are both breathless. MARY-KATE (CONT'D) Don't pass out. If I pass out, I'm supposed to drink, so you need to pour it in my passed out mouth. BODYGUARD This game is terrible. MARY-KATE (passing out) Eye roll. She hits the table hard. END.