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What did she ever do to them?UnsSubscribe ToFrom Shorts
By Dan Gurewitch
DAN (think Ethan Hawke) stands on the street with a mic, addressing camera. He's a little SMUG for the first beats. DAN Hey everyone, I'm Dan and it seems to me that people love to talk shit about Anne Hathaway, without any rational reason. So I'm taking to the streets to see if anybody can explain their Hathaway hatred. NEW SHOT: Dan approaches STRANGER 1. DAN Sir, do you like Anne Hathaway? STRANGER 1 Ugh, no. She's the WORST. DAN (a little smug) Okay. Can you tell me any reason why? STRANGER 1 When I was eight, she broke all ten of my fingers right before my piano recital. DAN Wait, seriously? STRANGER 1 She smashed my hands with a meat hammer in the hallway behind the stage. It fucked me up, for years after. So I hate her, yeah. NEW SHOT: Dan walks with the cameraman. DAN Okay, that was- obviously a very personal situation. NEW SHOT: Dan stands with STRANGER 2. DAN Would you say that you hate Anne Hathaway? STRANGER 2 Oh, definitely. DAN Now why's that? 'Cause I don't see it. STRANGER 2 Well, she broke up my parents' marriage by planting photos of a mistress my father never even had. DAN Jesus. NEW SHOT: Dan stands with STRANGER 3, who's on CRUTCHES. DAN Why do you hate Anne Hathaway? STRANGER 3 I caught her removing every third step from my fire escape, so if there was ever a fire in my building, it would be extra hard for me to get out alive. Dan just stares at the stranger, aghast. NEW SHOT: Dan with STRANGER 4. DAN And you hate Ms. Hathaway... why? STRANGER 4 She set fire to all of my photo albums and hard drives and screamed "Now your memories are ash!" QUICK SERIES OF SHOTS: Dan speaks to a series of new strangers in various locations. STRANGER One time she peed onto a water slide right as I pushed off, so I had to slide down on her pee. STRANGER She struck my father with a can of soup at a Food Lion. STRANGER She replaced my two-year-old Saint Bernard with a twelve-year-old Saint Bernard so I'd have less time with him before he died. STRANGER She made me look my only son in the face and tell him I'm a failure. STRANGER She replaced my entire wardrobe with identical clothes two sizes smaller. I thought I got real fat. STRANGER She made a carrot cake with walnuts for my birthday, knowing full well I'm deathly allergic to walnuts. Everybody was like, "She's the best," but that thing was 90% walnuts. STRANGER I asked her to feed my fish while I was on vacation, and she let them all die. Then she invited me over for dinner to apologize, and served me my own dead fish. STRANGER I was trick-or-treating with my daughter last Halloween at Anne Hathaway's house. She answered the door, screamed "Witches get stitches!" and kicked my daughter in the chest. My daughter was dressed as a ROBOT. STRANGER She showed up at my sister's funeral with a skateboard and did an Ollie McTwist over the casket. STRANGER She once went through a four-year adoption screening process, and then drove away the second the orphan reached for her car door. STRANGER My name is Anne Hathaway. Her real name is Ernestine Grunch. She told me she liked my name, and she was going to take it and become so famous that everyone would associate my name with her and only her. STRANGER (with a BLACK EYE) She just socked me in the face. Like five seconds ago, you just missed her. --- STRANGER We used to be roommates. She always put trash in my recycling when the two bins were VERY clearly labeled. DAN That's not so bad. STRANGER The trash was children's teeth. (off Dan's SHOCK) Also the bitch ate all the marshmallows out of my Lucky Charms. --- DAN Okay, just to make sure: you've never met Anne Hathaway in person, right? STRANGER Correct. DAN So why do you hate her? STRANGER She posed as my online girlfriend for three years. She Catfished me. Then she wouldn't even sign the release form for MTV. DAN Goddamn it. --- DAN Excuse me, ma'am. What's your opinion of Jennifer Lawrence? STRANGER (completely enamored) I LOVE HER! (beat) When I was a child, she kidnapped me and tried to sell me into the Romanian sex trade. But she's just so COMFORTABLE BEING HERSELF, UGH. END.