What did she ever do to them?
By Dan Gurewitch
DAN (think Ethan Hawke) stands on the street with a mic,
addressing camera. He's a little SMUG for the first beats.
Hey everyone, I'm Dan and it seems
to me that people love to talk shit
about Anne Hathaway, without any
rational reason. So I'm taking to
the streets to see if anybody can
explain their Hathaway hatred.
NEW SHOT: Dan approaches STRANGER 1.
Sir, do you like Anne Hathaway?
Ugh, no. She's the WORST.
(a little smug)
Okay. Can you tell me any reason
When I was eight, she broke all ten
of my fingers right before my piano
She smashed my hands with a meat
hammer in the hallway behind the
stage. It fucked me up, for years
after. So I hate her, yeah.
NEW SHOT: Dan walks with the cameraman.
Okay, that was- obviously a very
NEW SHOT: Dan stands with STRANGER 2.
Would you say that you hate Anne
Now why's that? 'Cause I don't see
Well, she broke up my parents'
marriage by planting photos of a
mistress my father never even had.
NEW SHOT: Dan stands with STRANGER 3, who's on CRUTCHES.
Why do you hate Anne Hathaway?
I caught her removing every third
step from my fire escape, so if
there was ever a fire in my
building, it would be extra hard
for me to get out alive.
Dan just stares at the stranger, aghast.
NEW SHOT: Dan with STRANGER 4.
And you hate Ms. Hathaway... why?
She set fire to all of my photo
albums and hard drives and screamed
"Now your memories are ash!"
QUICK SERIES OF SHOTS: Dan speaks to a series of new
strangers in various locations.
One time she peed onto a water
slide right as I pushed off, so I
had to slide down on her pee.
She struck my father with a can of
soup at a Food Lion.
She replaced my two-year-old Saint
Bernard with a twelve-year-old
Saint Bernard so I'd have less time
with him before he died.
She made me look my only son in the
face and tell him I'm a failure.
She replaced my entire wardrobe
with identical clothes two sizes
smaller. I thought I got real fat.
She made a carrot cake with walnuts
for my birthday, knowing full well
I'm deathly allergic to walnuts.
Everybody was like, "She's the
best," but that thing was 90%
I asked her to feed my fish while I
was on vacation, and she let them
all die. Then she invited me over
for dinner to apologize, and served
me my own dead fish.
I was trick-or-treating with my
daughter last Halloween at Anne
Hathaway's house. She answered the
door, screamed "Witches get
stitches!" and kicked my daughter
in the chest. My daughter was
dressed as a ROBOT.
She showed up at my sister's
funeral with a skateboard and did
an Ollie McTwist over the casket.
She once went through a four-year
adoption screening process, and
then drove away the second the
orphan reached for her car door.
My name is Anne Hathaway. Her real
name is Ernestine Grunch. She told
me she liked my name, and she was
going to take it and become so
famous that everyone would
associate my name with her and only
(with a BLACK EYE)
She just socked me in the face.
Like five seconds ago, you just
We used to be roommates. She always
put trash in my recycling when the
two bins were VERY clearly labeled.
That's not so bad.
The trash was children's teeth.
(off Dan's SHOCK)
Also the bitch ate all the
marshmallows out of my Lucky
Okay, just to make sure: you've
never met Anne Hathaway in person,
So why do you hate her?
She posed as my online girlfriend
for three years. She Catfished me.
Then she wouldn't even sign the
release form for MTV.
Excuse me, ma'am. What's your
opinion of Jennifer Lawrence?
I LOVE HER!
When I was a child, she kidnapped
me and tried to sell me into the
Romanian sex trade. But she's just
so COMFORTABLE BEING HERSELF, UGH.