The government is deadlocked.
By Patrick Cassels
INT. ABANDONED CAPITOL BUILDING - WASHINGTON RICK, DARYL, and, BETH (from "The Walking Dead") burst in, firing at a SNARLING hoard of WALKERS. BLAM! POW! RICK Damn walkers are everywhere! DARYL We never shoulda left the prison, Rick! BETH Did you guys hear something? An O.C. NOISE. They spin around, weapons raised. Reveal several CONGRESSMEN (male and female) in torn suits. RICK Who the hell are you? CONGRESSMAN 1 Take it easy! Name's Holt, representative from New Jersey. CONGRESSMAN 2 We were in session when the walkers came. Been held up here ever since. DARYL They don't look bit. RICK (lowering revolver) I'm Rick. That's Daryl and Beth. We're just passing through. CRASH! A few more walkers burst in. Daryl takes them out. DARYL There's more coming! A lot more! RICK We gotta get outta here! If we don't run we'll be eaten alive! CONGRESSMAN 1 Christ, let's be quick about it then! The congressmen obediently run to their seats. RICK What are you doing?! CONGRESSMAN 1 Getting us the hell outta here. (panicked, but dutiful) The motion is to escape or be eaten alive. All in favor? ALL CONGRESSMEN Aye! RICK Jesus, are you voting?! CONGRESSMAN 1 All opposed? (beat) The motion passes. RICK Great. Let's go! CONGRESSMAN 2 WE CAN'T- RICK (alarmed; looks around) Why?! CONGRESSMAN 2 -until the motion is debated! That was just a vote to open the issue up to the floor. CONGRESSMAN 1 Damn it, he's right (to Congressman 3) Judith, I need you to form a congressional subcommittee on Being Eaten Alive - NOW DAMN IT! CONGRESSMAN 3 (nodding) I'll have my nominees for chairperson by the end of the week! RICK We'll be dead by then! DARYL And who's gonna vote in favor of dying? CONGRESSMAN 1 Now that you mention it... RICK No- CONGRESSMAN 1 ...It's an election year, and I can't afford to rock the boat for some new "let's not get eaten" bandwagon. More walkers CRASH through a door. Beth struggles to shut it. BETH We're running out of time! CONGRESSMAN 3 I'll help! Congressman 3 runs toward the door, Right past Beth to a desk, where he starts furiously scribbling something. BETH What are you doing?! CONGRESSMAN 3 (holding up finished document) I've written a provision that extends the this vote until after November! CONGRESSMAN 1 Thank God. SPLAT! Beth crushes a walker's head. BETH Let's just go, Rick! RICK (to congress) Are you with us or your not! Congressman 2 gets up in Rick's face, very intense. CONGRESSMAN 2 It's not. That. Simple, Rick. I made a promise to my constituents. CONGRESSMAN 1 (with a smirk) Your constituents, or those corporate backers of yours? The congressman stifle knowing laughs. (Daryl does too, though he's not sure why.) A WALKER bangs on a nearby window at all of them, shutting them up. RICK We are not debating this anymore! CONGRESSMAN 1 Okay, we'll send it to the Senate. CONGRESSMAN 3 Senate's dead. CONGRESSMAN 1 The President? CONGRESSMAN 3 Dead. CONGRESSMAN 1 Darn. My hands are tied, Rick. KNOCK! KNOCK! An WISE OLD SENATOR taps his cane. He stands. WISE OLD CONGRESSMAN Look at us. Stalin' like a coop of turkeys in November. What would the American people say? RICK "Help. Oh god! Don't eat my knees!" WISE OLD CONGRESSMAN I'd like to read y'all -- in detail -- what our Founding Fathers said about our duties. Where are the cameras? (clears throat) "When in the course of human events it becomes necessary and proper-" A heard of walkers pop up and TEARS HIM APART. WISE OLD CONGRESSMAN -AHHHHHHH FUCK ME!!! Rick winces, then turns to the rest, resolved: RICK That's it! Last chance... CONGRESSMAN 1 (beat; then, with a nod) All in favor of leaving? EVERYONE Aye! CONGRESSMAN 1 All opposed? The feeding WALKERS look up. WALKERS UNGHGRHGHGR- CONGRESSMAN 2 Damn! We needed least a two-thirds majority! END.