From CH Staff on
Our tribute to the awesome Netflix show, and also Kevin Spacey, and also political drama music.
By Josh Ruben, Paul Briganti & Kevin Corrigan
INT. OFFICE - DAY Angle on a "Bring your dog to work day" banner. A group of people admiring a pup. EMILY Mr. Kibbles is so cute! QUAY Yeah, he's usually more playful, but he has the sniffles right now. JOSH, wearing a suit, emerges through the crowd. JOSH (to camera) Suffering. I have no tolerance for suffering. He walks up to the dog and tries to snap its NECK. INT. SAM'S OFFICE - SECONDS LATER SAM Josh. Stop trying to kill Quay's dog. JOSH UNDERWOOD (turns to camera) Sam Reich. He calls the shots around here. Lucky for me, he and I are about as close as conjoined twins in winter time. He's about to promote me to head writer. SAM I'm promoting Pat Cassels to head writer. Josh gives a quick, pained glance to camera. JOSH UNDERWOOD Uh, with all due respect, you promised me that position. SAM Right but you just tried to kill Quay's dog, so. No. JOSH UNDERWOOD Well I think Pat is a terrific choice sir. He turns to the camera and gives the "jerk off" motion. SAM Are you okay? INT. OFFICE HOUSE OF CARDS-TYPE MUSIC PLAYS as Josh walks and plots... JOSH UNDERWOOD Pat Cassels deserves that job like a porcupine deserves a medal of honor. I'm gonna pull the tablecloth from under him so all his dishes come tumbling down. The trick is do it fast. Or no, then the dishes stay on the table. I want to do the opposite of that. What I'm trying to say is, uh, I'm gonna do a plan. PAT Hey man! We missed ya at the bar last night! I was WA-STED. Look at this. Pat shows Josh a drunken party picture on his phone. It's hardly incriminating, he has his arm around two girls. JOSH You know, Pat. That is just too darn funny. Could you text that to me? Josh gives a knowing look to camera. MONTAGE OF JOSH CALLING NEWSPAPERS. JOSH UNDERWOOD Wall Street Journal? I've got exclusive photographic evidence that Pat Cassels, new head writer at CollegeHumor, is a bit of a party hound. (beat) You don't care? JOSH UNDERWOOD New York Post? Pat Cassels- they hung up. JOSH UNDERWOOD Marlboro High School Chronicle? You only cover student matters? You have a lovely evening. KEVIN, Josh's STAMPER-type, enters. KEVIN You know, I have a friend at Tumblr. EXT. COURTYARD Josh meets TUMBLR EMPLOYEE (David Karp?? Amanda Ferri??). They sit, looking at a piece of ARTWORK. TUMBLR EMPLOYEE What's this all about? JOSH UNDERWOOD Last night Patrick Cassels was tipping back mugs till the grass grew dew. I need you to make a post about it. TUMBLR EMPLOYEE Um, that's not really what we do. You're more than welcome to start a Tumblr yourself. JOSH UNDERWOOD I have two followers and one of them's my wife. TUMBLR EMPLOYEE Can't help you, sorry. JOSH UNDERWOOD (to camera) FUCK! (to Tumblr Employee) Do you have any interns I can sleep with? INT. OFFICE - CONT Josh has a box of donuts in front of Owen. OWEN Thanks for the donut, Josh! Josh turns to camera. JOSH UNDERWOOD This is more than just a donut. This is leverage. Now, Owen owes me a favor. OWEN Oh, let's just call this even stevens for when I helped you move the other day. Cool? JOSH UNDERWOOD (turns to camera) God dammit. INT. PAUL GREENBERG'S OFFICE Paul hangs up his phone as Josh enters. JOSH UNDERWOOD Hey Paul, what would someone have to do to get fired around here? PAUL GREENBERG Let's see.. poor job performance, missing too many days.. (jokingly) I suppose if you punched someone in the face that'd do the trick. He laughs. Josh doesn't. INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Pat enters. Josh sits at the far end, TAPPING HIS FOOTBALL RING on the table. PAT Hey, what'd you want to talk about? Josh TAP TAP TAPs his ring. PAT So......... Tap tap tap. JOSH UNDERWOOD Isn't this annoying? PAT Uh, I guess so? JOSH UNDERWOOD Almost as annoying as everyone in the office says you are. Doesn't that make your blood boil? PAT Eh. Bill Cosby says the key to failure is trying to please everyone. JOSH UNDERWOOD I kissed your girlfriend. PAT Wow. (smiles) But that's between me and her. OK, are we good? I'm gonna get me a sammich. Pat goes to leave, Josh is suddenly BLOCKING THE DOOR. JOSH UNDERWOOD Punch me in the face. PAT Uh, Josh, I'm not gonna- JOSH UNDERWOOD PUNCH ME IN THE FACE! Josh PUNCHES PAT! He stops and totally pussies out. JOSH UNDERWOOD Oh my god Pat! I am SOOO SORRYY! Please don't tell Sam! PLEASE DON'T TELL! PLEASE! DON'T TELL ON ME!!!!! END.