Our tribute to the awesome Netflix show, and also Kevin Spacey, and also political drama music.
By Josh Ruben, Paul Briganti & Kevin Corrigan
INT. OFFICE - DAY
Angle on a "Bring your dog to work day" banner. A group of
people admiring a pup.
Mr. Kibbles is so cute!
Yeah, he's usually more playful,
but he has the sniffles right now.
JOSH, wearing a suit, emerges through the crowd.
Suffering. I have no tolerance for
He walks up to the dog and tries to snap its NECK.
INT. SAM'S OFFICE - SECONDS LATER
Josh. Stop trying to kill Quay's
(turns to camera)
Sam Reich. He calls the shots
around here. Lucky for me, he and I
are about as close as conjoined
twins in winter time. He's about to
promote me to head writer.
I'm promoting Pat Cassels to head
Josh gives a quick, pained glance to camera.
Uh, with all due respect, you
promised me that position.
Right but you just tried to kill
Quay's dog, so. No.
Well I think Pat is a terrific
He turns to the camera and gives the "jerk off" motion.
Are you okay?
HOUSE OF CARDS-TYPE MUSIC PLAYS as Josh walks and plots...
Pat Cassels deserves that job like
a porcupine deserves a medal of
honor. I'm gonna pull the
tablecloth from under him so all
his dishes come tumbling down. The
trick is do it fast. Or no, then
the dishes stay on the table. I
want to do the opposite of that.
What I'm trying to say is, uh, I'm
gonna do a plan.
Hey man! We missed ya at the bar
last night! I was WA-STED. Look at
Pat shows Josh a drunken party picture on his phone. It's
hardly incriminating, he has his arm around two girls.
You know, Pat. That is just too
darn funny. Could you text that to
Josh gives a knowing look to camera.
MONTAGE OF JOSH CALLING NEWSPAPERS.
Wall Street Journal? I've got
exclusive photographic evidence
that Pat Cassels, new head writer
at CollegeHumor, is a bit of a
party hound. (beat) You don't care?
New York Post? Pat Cassels- they
Marlboro High School Chronicle? You
only cover student matters? You
have a lovely evening.
KEVIN, Josh's STAMPER-type, enters.
You know, I have a friend at
Josh meets TUMBLR EMPLOYEE (David Karp?? Amanda Ferri??).
They sit, looking at a piece of ARTWORK.
What's this all about?
Last night Patrick Cassels was
tipping back mugs till the grass
grew dew. I need you to make a post
Um, that's not really what we do.
You're more than welcome to start a
I have two followers and one of
them's my wife.
Can't help you, sorry.
(to Tumblr Employee)
Do you have any interns I can sleep
INT. OFFICE - CONT
Josh has a box of donuts in front of Owen.
Thanks for the donut, Josh!
Josh turns to camera.
This is more than just a donut.
This is leverage. Now, Owen owes me
Oh, let's just call this even
stevens for when I helped you move
the other day. Cool?
(turns to camera)
INT. PAUL GREENBERG'S OFFICE
Paul hangs up his phone as Josh enters.
Hey Paul, what would someone have
to do to get fired around here?
Let's see.. poor job performance,
missing too many days.. (jokingly)
I suppose if you punched someone in
the face that'd do the trick.
He laughs. Josh doesn't.
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Pat enters. Josh sits at the far end, TAPPING HIS FOOTBALL
RING on the table.
Hey, what'd you want to talk about?
Josh TAP TAP TAPs his ring.
Tap tap tap.
Isn't this annoying?
Uh, I guess so?
Almost as annoying as everyone in
the office says you are. Doesn't
that make your blood boil?
Eh. Bill Cosby says the key to
failure is trying to please
I kissed your girlfriend.
Wow. (smiles) But that's between me
and her. OK, are we good? I'm gonna
get me a sammich.
Pat goes to leave, Josh is suddenly BLOCKING THE DOOR.
Punch me in the face.
Uh, Josh, I'm not gonna-
PUNCH ME IN THE FACE!
Josh PUNCHES PAT! He stops and totally pussies out.
Oh my god Pat! I am SOOO SORRYY!
Please don't tell Sam! PLEASE DON'T
TELL! PLEASE! DON'T TELL ON ME!!!!!