Teambuilding brings out the worst in people.
By Emily Axford
INT. OFFICE THAT LOOKS FUN TO WORK IN SAM The point of this exercise is to work together, as a team, to untangle yourselves. REVEAL everyone is knotted up in one of those HUMAN KNOTS. SAM Which should be easy, as long as we don't splinter off into separate, competing factions- We cut on the word "factions" and enter: THE HUMAN KNOT. All shots from here on are inside the knot, everyone framed so they're surrounded by tangled and bent limbs. OWEN, KEVIN, and CALDWELL. INTENSE MUSIC accompanies them. OWEN Let's form an alliance. CALDWELL I'm in! OWEN (to Caldwell) I was talking to Kevin. He's really squirmy. You're weak and would hold us back. MUSIC CUTS. CUT BACK OUTSIDE TO: Sam, standing outside. SAM Talk it out. Think Critically. Use your imagination. CUT BACK INSIDE TO: EMILY and MURPH. INTENSE MUSIC. EMILY Fuck that. Brawn over brain. I'm allying myself with the strongest writer on staff. Whoever he is. MURPH He's. Right. HERE. On "HERE" he pushes with all his might. Limbs shift. The Human Knot shifts. It's intense for a beat, then lands with a THUD. CUT TO: DAN and ANU. Dan is trying to be smooth. DAN Guess its just you and me now. It's so crazy. Life goes so fast. I'm 20-aherm-years old and I'm so ready to meet the right girl and- A hand brushes Anu's hair out of her face. It comes from Dan's general direction, but isn't Dan's. DAN -settle down. ANU Whoa, who's arm is- DAN Shh. Another hand that isn't Dan's shushes Anu. Dan closes his eyes and leans in for a kiss, but can't reach Anu. He opens his eyes, realizes this, then looks to his right, where HALLIE CANTOR is closer. He turns to Hallie. DAN It's so crazy. Life goes so fast. I'm 20-aherm- MUSIC CUTS. CUT BACK OUTSIDE TO: SAM. SAM Team-building, people! There's no "I" in team-building! He ponders this for a short beat, then we're right back in. CUT BACK INSIDE TO: ADAM and PAT. INTENSE MUSIC. ADAM UGH, the whole institution of team-building is so condescending. Do they think we haven't read Richard Dawkins: The Selfish Gene? PAT (to the group) Does anyone want to trade alliances? CUT TO: Owen, Kevin, and Caldwell. Owen appears to be going over a gameplan with Kevin. OWEN -you'll squirm past Dan, wiggle past Murph, and claim victory in the name of Owen "O-Dogg" "the Poon-Pounding Pussy-Hounding" Parsons. CALDWELL Well, I've got my own alliance! Pan over to REVEAL Caldwell holding somebody's LEG. As he talks, the leg squirms, kicking him with every "ow". CALDWELL That's right, me and this, ow, leg, ow, are gonna make you, ow, look a fool, OW! He hits the leg back, then immediately apologizes to it. CALDWELL I'm sorry. MUSIC CUTS. CUT BACK OUTSIDE TO: Sam. SAM Cooperation. Team Work. Together we are tethered. Forever. (doing the line from "Miss Jackson" by Outkast) For ever? For ever ever? For ever ever? Sam laughs then looks sad about what his life has become. SAM I dunno, this is just the kind of shit you have to do when you're a manager. CUT BACK INSIDE TO: Emily and Murph. INTENSE MUSIC. EMILY What do you want to be? A hero? Or a Miro. Joan Miro. The painter slash sculptor. Whatever, art is lame, be a man. MURPH I'm no sculptor. Unless you're talking about MUSCLE. On "MUSCLE" he strains again. The shifting is louder and more intense than last time. The knot is loosening, but lands with a THUD. CUT TO: Dan, who is straining to kiss Hallie, grunting like a tennis player. He gives up and sighs, defeated. DAN I don't know what I was thinking. I'm a hopeless romantic. In a hopeless world. VINNIE (OC) Don't lose hope, Dan. REVEAL Vinnie, right next to him, in perfect kiss distance. They lock eyes. They lean in. Cut back and forth between them leaning in and limbs shifting with intensity, people being torn apart, etc. As their lips touch, it looks like maybe the Human Knot is gonna untangle itself. Then THUD. They're still stuck. Except Caldwell, who's standing outside the knot, holding his allied LEG, foot-side up. CALDWELL I won! (looking down) Ah! He sees that the leg has been dismembered and is bleeding from the bottom.