It's a Mary-Kate musical, Very Marilyn Monroe-style.
By Elaine Carroll & Sam Reich
INT. APARTMENT - DAY Mary-Kate and Ashley sit at the kitchen island. ASHLEY Gosh, M-Cakes. I can't believe that Olivier is going back to France for a whole month! What will you do without him? MARY-KATE Please, Ash-Tray. I've got plenty of friends to keep me company. Music. Mary-Kate swings around to face camera. MARY-KATE (CONT.) (singing, showing off a hand) A kiss on the hand may be quite continental- (showing off the other hand, which bears a giant diamond ring) -but diamonds are a girl's best friend. She scoots over to a coffee table, upon which are four oversized diamonds dressed up as people. MARY-KATE (CONT.) And by that I mean that I'm only friends with diamonds / and I give them names / like Lauren and Arther and Harry and James. CUT TO: The dining room. Mary-Kate drinks tea and gabs with a diamond. MARY-KATE (CONT.) We have tea... CUT TO: The living room. Mary-Kate watches TV, laughs, and feeds popcorn to a diamond. MARY-KATE (CONT.) ...and watch TV... CUT TO: The bedroom. Mary-Kate pillowfights with a diamond. Feathers fly. MARY-KATE (CONT.) ...and pillowfight until 4am. CUT TO: The bathroom. She cries uproariously, with mascara streaming down her face, while crazily applying lipstick onto a diamond. MARY-KATE (CONT.) And talk through my break-ups while I do their make-ups / yeah diamonds are my only friends. Now in an all-pink studio, Mary-Kate walks through a crowd of "normal people." MARY-KATE (CONT.) I've heard normal folks can be friends with other normals / but normal people make me sad. She splits from the group, holding her hands to her ears. MARY-KATE (CONT.) They talk on and on 'bout their jobs and kids in mortgage / and I just don't care. She pulls open her waist band. Her waist emits a treasure chest-like gleam that lights up her face. MARY-KATE (CONT.) I got diamonds in my pubic hair. OTS of Ashley in pink studio. MARY-KATE (CONT.) Ashley thinks I'm on the brink / of a catastrophic mental collapse. We follow Mary-Kate as she finds the original four diamonds lying on the ground and starts talking trash. MARY-KATE (CONT.) But behind her back I talk smack to the diamonds / yeah diamonds are my only friends. Some kind of illustrative sequence. MARY-KATE (CONT.) (talking) Tiffany! Cartier! You can hang too, Jared and Kay! A shrink's office. Mary-Kate offers her diamonds and she gets up and leaves. MARY-KATE (CONT.) (singing) My shrink thinks it's weird that I hang out with diamonds / but a couple diamonds shut her up. DR. DIAMOND, a diamond dressed up as a psychiatrist, has now taken the shrink's place. MARY-KATE (CONT.) And now when I'm down I just see Dr. Diamond / and she glistens and gleams / and whoop there goes my self-esteem. Bodyguard carries Mary-Kate and puts her comfortably into a coffin full of diamonds. MARY-KATE (CONT.) A good friend's a friend for life / but diamonds can be put in your grave. Back in the studio, she cuddles up next to OLIVIER SARKOZY, standing up. MARY-KATE (CONT.) Sarkozy's as cozy as cubic zarkonees, but diamonds... She breaks away, revealing the complete Very Mary-Kate cast in black tie. They all dance. MARY-KATE (CONT.) Diamonds... diamonds- Phil sneaks in a grope. MARY-KATE (talking) Phil! Boundaries! (singing) Diamonds are my on-ly friends! We cut abruptly back to the apartment. ASHLEY Mary-Kate? Mary-Kate's eyes are closed. She mumbles and dances to herself, stuck in a fantasy. MARY-KATE Di- d, d, d- diamoh... END.