It's a Mary-Kate musical, Very Marilyn Monroe-style.
By Elaine Carroll & Sam Reich
INT. APARTMENT - DAY
Mary-Kate and Ashley sit at the kitchen island.
Gosh, M-Cakes. I can't believe that
Olivier is going back to France for
a whole month! What will you do
Please, Ash-Tray. I've got plenty
of friends to keep me company.
Music. Mary-Kate swings around to face camera.
(singing, showing off a hand)
A kiss on the hand may be quite
(showing off the other hand,
which bears a giant diamond
-but diamonds are a girl's best
She scoots over to a coffee table, upon which are four
oversized diamonds dressed up as people.
And by that I mean that I'm only
friends with diamonds / and I give
them names / like Lauren and Arther
and Harry and James.
The dining room. Mary-Kate drinks tea and gabs with a
We have tea...
The living room. Mary-Kate watches TV, laughs, and feeds
popcorn to a diamond.
...and watch TV...
The bedroom. Mary-Kate pillowfights with a diamond. Feathers
...and pillowfight until 4am.
The bathroom. She cries uproariously, with mascara streaming
down her face, while crazily applying lipstick onto a
And talk through my break-ups while
I do their make-ups / yeah diamonds
are my only friends.
Now in an all-pink studio, Mary-Kate walks through a crowd
of "normal people."
I've heard normal folks can be
friends with other normals / but
normal people make me sad.
She splits from the group, holding her hands to her ears.
They talk on and on 'bout their
jobs and kids in mortgage / and I
just don't care.
She pulls open her waist band. Her waist emits a treasure
chest-like gleam that lights up her face.
I got diamonds in my pubic hair.
OTS of Ashley in pink studio.
Ashley thinks I'm on the brink / of
a catastrophic mental collapse.
We follow Mary-Kate as she finds the original four diamonds
lying on the ground and starts talking trash.
But behind her back I talk smack to
the diamonds / yeah diamonds are my
Some kind of illustrative sequence.
Tiffany! Cartier! You can hang too,
Jared and Kay!
A shrink's office. Mary-Kate offers her diamonds and she
gets up and leaves.
My shrink thinks it's weird that I
hang out with diamonds / but a
couple diamonds shut her up.
DR. DIAMOND, a diamond dressed up as a psychiatrist, has now
taken the shrink's place.
And now when I'm down I just see
Dr. Diamond / and she glistens and
gleams / and whoop there goes my
Bodyguard carries Mary-Kate and puts her comfortably into a
coffin full of diamonds.
A good friend's a friend for life /
but diamonds can be put in your
Back in the studio, she cuddles up next to OLIVIER SARKOZY,
Sarkozy's as cozy as cubic
zarkonees, but diamonds...
She breaks away, revealing the complete Very Mary-Kate cast
in black tie. They all dance.
Phil sneaks in a grope.
Diamonds are my on-ly friends!
We cut abruptly back to the apartment.
Mary-Kate's eyes are closed. She mumbles and dances to
herself, stuck in a fantasy.
Di- d, d, d- diamoh...