It's like the dentist. But without pants.
By Emily Axford & Jenny Jaffe
INT. WAITING ROOM - DAY
GIRL sits in a gynecologist waiting room, nervously. She
looks at the RECEPTIONIST.
The doctor will be right with you.
Okay, nothing to be scared of, it's
just the gynecologist... Everybody
does this... except boys. Is there
a dick doctor? Is that what a
proctologist is? Or is that just
for your butt?
She looks around and realizes that all of the other WOMEN
there are pregnant.
Ugh, thank god I'm not pregnant.
What if I'm pregnant? My boobs have
been really sore lately.
She looks down and checks her cleavage.
I'm not ready for kids, I'm still
wearing the same bra I wore to the
movies three days ago.
She looks over at the side table where there is a stack of
magazines- they all have babies on the cover. She sifts
through them: "Mommy to Be", "Life Ends After Kids",
These are so depressing.
The doctor will see you now.
The girl gets up and walks down a hall. She notices that
there are Soviet Russia-style posters warning about the
dangers of HPV.
A poster on the wall answers her: "A DISEASE". The music
Do I have it?
Poster: "PROBABLY." The music gets even scarier.
How do I get rid of it?!
She doesn't see the next poster because a CROCHETY NURSE
appears in front of her.
The nurse ushers her into an exam room and slaps a hospital
gown into her hands.
The nurse leaves, closing the door behind her. Girl looks
around. There are Georgia O'Keefe posters on the wall.
Georgia O'Keefe? Really?
She hums to herself as she starts to take her clothes off.
Do I really have to take all my
clothes off? Isn't that gonna look
weird? Like seeing a guy in a suit
jacket and no pants.
She puts on the gown and gets up on the table. We hear a
bunch of CRINKLING.
The door opens and the DOCTOR enters.
Oh, thank god it's a woman. I'm
glad this won't be weird. I wonder
if she gives herself exams. Or if
they all just do it for each other.
But then they would all know what
each other's vag's look like.
Wouldn't that be weird for them?
The doctor goes to (deleted) a rack of intimidating-looking
tools and picks up HUGE PAIR OF TONGS.
JESUS CHRIST, WHAT ARE THOSE FOR?!
All right, I'm just gonna have you
put your feet in these stirrups...
The girl looks down at the foot stirrups at the end of the
table and puts her feet in them.
Stirrups? Haha. Saddle up cowboy,
let's go explore the wild we-OH
The doc looks up.
So, are you sexually active?
Should I tell her the truth? Does
butt stuff count? That's not really
her area of expertise, I mean she's
not a proctologist-
And do you always use condoms?
Great. Then I'm just gonna take a
The doctor pours the world's largest tube of petroleum jelly
onto the tongs. It makes disgusting SLURPING sounds.
Aren't you gonna buy me a drink
The doctor gives a half-hearted laugh.
Dumb. Dumb. Stupid.
She looks up at the ceiling.
Why do I always make bad jokes when
I'm-- GOOD GOD THAT IS COLD.
The doctor looks up between her legs.
Okay, hun, I really need you to
relax for me.
She holds up a giant, scary, drill-like tool and then
Okay. I can do this. I won't cry.
I'm a Stark of Winterfell. Our
sigil is the direwolf and
direwolves don't cry OH GOD WHAT IS
SHE DOING DOWN THERE OW OW OW--
The doctor appears again.
Okay, you're still just a little
tense, so if you could just relax..
The doctor holds up a blowtorch and puts down a mask. She
What is she doing? Oh my god. She
knows. She knows I lied about the
condom thing and she's punishing
me. She knows I don't always use
condoms and that's why I probably
maybe have HPV and I'm almost
definitely pregnant, but god, if
you let me out of this alive
I'll... stop sleeping with that
weird foreign exchange student,
Enrico, or Enrique, or something,
and I'll be such a good mother to
my hypothetical unborn baby and
Okay, we're all done.
The doctor holds up a just-born baby.
It's a girl!
How is that even possible?!