From CH Staff on
It's like the dentist. But without pants.
By Emily Axford & Jenny Jaffe
INT. WAITING ROOM - DAY GIRL sits in a gynecologist waiting room, nervously. She looks at the RECEPTIONIST. RECEPTIONIST The doctor will be right with you. GIRL (V.O.) Okay, nothing to be scared of, it's just the gynecologist... Everybody does this... except boys. Is there a dick doctor? Is that what a proctologist is? Or is that just for your butt? She looks around and realizes that all of the other WOMEN there are pregnant. GIRL (V.O.) Ugh, thank god I'm not pregnant. What if I'm pregnant? My boobs have been really sore lately. She looks down and checks her cleavage. GIRL (V.O.) I'm not ready for kids, I'm still wearing the same bra I wore to the movies three days ago. She looks over at the side table where there is a stack of magazines- they all have babies on the cover. She sifts through them: "Mommy to Be", "Life Ends After Kids", "Getting Fat". GIRL (V.O.) These are so depressing. RECEPTIONIST The doctor will see you now. The girl gets up and walks down a hall. She notices that there are Soviet Russia-style posters warning about the dangers of HPV. GIRL (V.O.) What's HPV? A poster on the wall answers her: "A DISEASE". The music gets scarier. GIRL (V.O.) Do I have it? Poster: "PROBABLY." The music gets even scarier. GIRL (V.O.) How do I get rid of it?! She doesn't see the next poster because a CROCHETY NURSE appears in front of her. CROCHETY NURSE This way. The nurse ushers her into an exam room and slaps a hospital gown into her hands. The nurse leaves, closing the door behind her. Girl looks around. There are Georgia O'Keefe posters on the wall. GIRL (V.O.) Georgia O'Keefe? Really? She hums to herself as she starts to take her clothes off. GIRL (V.O.) Do I really have to take all my clothes off? Isn't that gonna look weird? Like seeing a guy in a suit jacket and no pants. She puts on the gown and gets up on the table. We hear a bunch of CRINKLING. The door opens and the DOCTOR enters. GIRL (V.O.) Oh, thank god it's a woman. I'm glad this won't be weird. I wonder if she gives herself exams. Or if they all just do it for each other. But then they would all know what each other's vag's look like. Wouldn't that be weird for them? The doctor goes to (deleted) a rack of intimidating-looking tools and picks up HUGE PAIR OF TONGS. GIRL (V.O.) JESUS CHRIST, WHAT ARE THOSE FOR?! DOCTOR All right, I'm just gonna have you put your feet in these stirrups... The girl looks down at the foot stirrups at the end of the table and puts her feet in them. GIRL (V.O.) Stirrups? Haha. Saddle up cowboy, let's go explore the wild we-OH BOY. The doc looks up. DOCTOR So, are you sexually active? GIRL (V.O.) Should I tell her the truth? Does butt stuff count? That's not really her area of expertise, I mean she's not a proctologist- DOCTOR Well? GIRL (Casual) Yeah. DOCTOR And do you always use condoms? GIRL (V.O.) Sometimes. GIRL Always. DOCTOR Great. Then I'm just gonna take a look... The doctor pours the world's largest tube of petroleum jelly onto the tongs. It makes disgusting SLURPING sounds. GIRL (Nervously) Aren't you gonna buy me a drink first? The doctor gives a half-hearted laugh. GIRL (V.O.) Dumb. Dumb. Stupid. She looks up at the ceiling. GIRL (V.O.) Why do I always make bad jokes when I'm-- GOOD GOD THAT IS COLD. The doctor looks up between her legs. DOCTOR Okay, hun, I really need you to relax for me. She holds up a giant, scary, drill-like tool and then disappears again. GIRL (V.O.) Okay. I can do this. I won't cry. I'm a Stark of Winterfell. Our sigil is the direwolf and direwolves don't cry OH GOD WHAT IS SHE DOING DOWN THERE OW OW OW-- The doctor appears again. DOCTOR Okay, you're still just a little tense, so if you could just relax.. The doctor holds up a blowtorch and puts down a mask. She disappears again. GIRL (V.O.) What is she doing? Oh my god. She knows. She knows I lied about the condom thing and she's punishing me. She knows I don't always use condoms and that's why I probably maybe have HPV and I'm almost definitely pregnant, but god, if you let me out of this alive I'll... stop sleeping with that weird foreign exchange student, Enrico, or Enrique, or something, and I'll be such a good mother to my hypothetical unborn baby and I'll-- I'll-- DOCTOR Okay, we're all done. GIRL That's it? DOCTOR Yep! The doctor holds up a just-born baby. DOCTOR (CONT.) It's a girl! GIRL (VO) How is that even possible?! END.