It's cats vs. dogs in a video game battle for pet supremacy.Choose your ending:Click here for a cat victory. Click here for a dog victory.
By Owen Parsons
ANIMATED VIDEOGAME MENU SCREEN
TITLE SCREEN - 3! 2! 1! FIGHT! logo appears over 16-bit
music. Cursor selects "new game." Fade out/in to-
CHARACTER MENU SCREEN - Hundreds of tiny character
thumbnails, so small they're hard to make out. Player One
and Two cursors flip through them, passing random characters
like "Charlemagne, The Rock-afire Explosion, Robocop,
Kevin," etc. They settle on "Dog" and "Cat," respectively.
Fade out/in to-
EXT. BACKYARD - DAY
Dog messily digs himself under a wooden fence and into the
arena. He shakes off the dirt.
Cat hangs from a tree limb, drops toward the ground, pauses,
magically rotates 180° and lands on his feet.
'Know thy self, know thy enemy. A
thousand battles, a thousand
victories.' - Sun Tzu
I AM EXCITED TO BE AWAKE!
Their health bars fill above them.
3! 2! 1! Fight!
Cat hisses and launches at Dog. Cat attacks Dog twice with
his claws. Dog is struck once, then blocks the follow-up.
Dog barrel rolls in place, kicking up dust and picking up
speed, then shoots across the bottom of the screen, knocking
Cat up into the air.
Cat lands and makes pre-hairball hacking noises. He starts
spamming hairball projectiles at Dog.
(pronounced like hadouken)
Dog jumps over the first two and is knocked back by the
third, which splats on the ground. He gets up, sniffs the
hairball, and swallows it. This restores a bit of health.
Gross Appetite! Pretty revolting!
Dog upchucks the hairball back at Cat. Cat dives into a
shoebox for cover. The box deflects the hairball.
Dog sniffs around the box, tail wagging. We see Cat's paw
bats out of the box at Dog's wagging tail.
Cat gets caught up in the tail and is slapped multiple times
into the air.
Tail Slap Tornado!
Cat is knocked backward, but magically lands on its feet and
licks its paw nonchalantly.
Recovery! So dignified!
Dog growls and jumps forward like he's going to bite Cat,
but instead licks him messily. Cat takes damage.
Kisses! Slobber Damage!
Dog charges. Cat in between Dog's feet & turns to stone. Dog
trips over him.
Underfooted! Have a nice trip!
Dog rolls back to his feet.
A HOLOGRAPHIC DOG OWNER beams in behind Dog, waving a tennis
ball. Dog runs in circles, excited.
Who wants the ball?
ME! I DO!
The Owner throws the tennis ball & vanishes. The ball
bounces all around the screen. Dog streaks after it, a blur.
Cat is struck by both several times and takes damage.
Dog gnaws on the ball happily. Cat springs to his feet.
Cat summons a litterbox like a landmine, and leaps backward
away from it.
Dog walks forward, upsetting the litterbox, spreading litter
& cat plops everywhere.
The Dog Owner beams in again behind dog, points at the
ruined scattered litterbox angrily.
Archie, no! You're a...
(slow deep modulated voice)
Dog has a horrified expression. He freezes like he's been
slapped. A big chunk of his health bar dissolves.
Heartbroken! Spirit damage!
While he's still reeling, Cat leaps up and attacks downward
into dog with that paw-kneading thing cats do. Dog takes
A CAT OWNER beams in behind Cat, waving a little baggie of
Mr. Hams, I got you a little nip of
sumthin' from the store.
Cat's pupils widen. A THIRD EYE opens on the cats forehead.
Screen turns pink as the background is filled by a
multi-armed hallucinogenic CAT GOD. Dog floats, frozen in a
pink bubble. Cat floats over, leaving a trippy after-image,
and uppercuts Dog, shattering the illusion.
A PACK OF OTHER DOGS beam in around Dog and join him in
howling. Cat yowls.
A CAT LADY beams down behind cat, hugging a bunch of cats in
They're like the furry kids I never
She releases them. A PACK OF DOGS and HORDE OF CATS rush
across the screen, exploding in a pile of dogs and cats that
obscures the screen.
Choose Your Victor!
A typical arcade game "CONTINUE" clock starts counting down
from 10. Two option buttons appear: CAT WINS or DOG WINS.