By Owen Parsons
ANIMATED VIDEOGAME MENU SCREEN TITLE SCREEN - 3! 2! 1! FIGHT! logo appears over 16-bit music. Cursor selects "new game." Fade out/in to- CHARACTER MENU SCREEN - Hundreds of tiny character thumbnails, so small they're hard to make out. Player One and Two cursors flip through them, passing random characters like "Charlemagne, The Rock-afire Explosion, Robocop, Kevin," etc. They settle on "Dog" and "Cat," respectively. Fade out/in to- EXT. BACKYARD - DAY Dog messily digs himself under a wooden fence and into the arena. He shakes off the dirt. Cat hangs from a tree limb, drops toward the ground, pauses, magically rotates 180° and lands on his feet. CAT (meow, subtitled:) 'Know thy self, know thy enemy. A thousand battles, a thousand victories.' - Sun Tzu DOG (bark, subtitled:) I AM EXCITED TO BE AWAKE! Their health bars fill above them. ANNOUNCER 3! 2! 1! Fight! Cat hisses and launches at Dog. Cat attacks Dog twice with his claws. Dog is struck once, then blocks the follow-up. ANNOUNCER Roll Over! Dog barrel rolls in place, kicking up dust and picking up speed, then shoots across the bottom of the screen, knocking Cat up into the air. Cat lands and makes pre-hairball hacking noises. He starts spamming hairball projectiles at Dog. ANNOUNCER (pronounced like hadouken) Hairballken! Hairballken! Hairballken! Dog jumps over the first two and is knocked back by the third, which splats on the ground. He gets up, sniffs the hairball, and swallows it. This restores a bit of health. ANNOUNCER Gross Appetite! Pretty revolting! Dog upchucks the hairball back at Cat. Cat dives into a shoebox for cover. The box deflects the hairball. ANNOUNCER Box Shield! Dog sniffs around the box, tail wagging. We see Cat's paw bats out of the box at Dog's wagging tail. ANNOUNCER Curiosity... Cat gets caught up in the tail and is slapped multiple times into the air. ANNOUNCER Tail Slap Tornado! Cat is knocked backward, but magically lands on its feet and licks its paw nonchalantly. ANNOUNCER Recovery! So dignified! Dog growls and jumps forward like he's going to bite Cat, but instead licks him messily. Cat takes damage. ANNOUNCER Kisses! Slobber Damage! Dog charges. Cat in between Dog's feet & turns to stone. Dog trips over him. ANNOUNCER Underfooted! Have a nice trip! Dog rolls back to his feet. ANNOUNCER Super Move! A HOLOGRAPHIC DOG OWNER beams in behind Dog, waving a tennis ball. Dog runs in circles, excited. DOG OWNER Who wants the ball? DOG (bark, subtitled) ME! I DO! The Owner throws the tennis ball & vanishes. The ball bounces all around the screen. Dog streaks after it, a blur. Cat is struck by both several times and takes damage. Dog gnaws on the ball happily. Cat springs to his feet. Cat summons a litterbox like a landmine, and leaps backward away from it. ANNOUNCER Litter Mine! Dog walks forward, upsetting the litterbox, spreading litter & cat plops everywhere. The Dog Owner beams in again behind dog, points at the ruined scattered litterbox angrily. DOG OWNER Archie, no! You're a... (slow deep modulated voice) ..BAAAD DOGGGG. Dog has a horrified expression. He freezes like he's been slapped. A big chunk of his health bar dissolves. ANNOUNCER Heartbroken! Spirit damage! While he's still reeling, Cat leaps up and attacks downward into dog with that paw-kneading thing cats do. Dog takes more damage. ANNOUNCER Super Move! A CAT OWNER beams in behind Cat, waving a little baggie of catnip. CAT OWNER Mr. Hams, I got you a little nip of sumthin' from the store. Cat's pupils widen. A THIRD EYE opens on the cats forehead. Screen turns pink as the background is filled by a multi-armed hallucinogenic CAT GOD. Dog floats, frozen in a pink bubble. Cat floats over, leaving a trippy after-image, and uppercuts Dog, shattering the illusion. Dog howls. ANNOUNCER Pack Assist! A PACK OF OTHER DOGS beam in around Dog and join him in howling. Cat yowls. ANNOUNCER Loneliness Assist! A CAT LADY beams down behind cat, hugging a bunch of cats in her arms. CAT LADY They're like the furry kids I never had! She releases them. A PACK OF DOGS and HORDE OF CATS rush across the screen, exploding in a pile of dogs and cats that obscures the screen. Game PAUSES. ANNOUNCER Choose Your Victor! A typical arcade game "CONTINUE" clock starts counting down from 10. Two option buttons appear: CAT WINS or DOG WINS.