From CH Staff on
The writers assign roles for their latest smash viral video masterpiece.
By Adam Conover & Owen Parsons
INT. WRITERS ROOM The writers are gathered for a readthrough. Murph and Kevin are reading their script. MURPH "Jay-Z opens a window and looks down. We reveal that his house has been on top of Godzilla the entire time." KEVIN "You crazy for this one, Godzilla!" MURPH "The End." PAT Thanks guys. Great script. (makes a face) Incredibly graphic. Everyone puts their copy of "Jay-Z and Godzilla are Friends" aside and picks up the next script. PAT Next one is from Adam & Owen. ADAM Cool, this is "Hardly Working: Dan's New Shoes." Owen, do you care who plays what? OWEN Nah, I don't care, you can assign parts. As Adam assigns parts, each writer nods or reacts vocally in small ways. ADAM Great, I'll just go down the list. Kevin, be Kevin. Murph, be Murph. Emily, can you read for Man One? Great, Dan let's have you be Ugly Man. Josh, can you do a British accent? JOSH (over the top Dick-van-Dyke- bad British accent) Cehn I dew a Bri'ish Ahccent? Right-O, guvnah! ADAM Great, you be JK Rowling. Let's see, I'll be Handsome Strongman... Murph, you be Mister Titster, Emily, you be Christopher Walken, but feel free not to do the voice -- EMILY (TERRIBLE Walken voice) You got it -- ADAM Absolutely DON'T do the voice. Dan, you be Eensey Teensey Penis Man. Josh, can you do a Chinese accent? JOSH (Still Over the top British) Allo allo, kung pao chickin izzit? Roight den, Beijing! ADAM Perfect. You be Mao Ze Donkey Kong. I'll be Thick Dick Rick, Kevin, you be Thick Dick Rick's Bisquick Stick. Emily, you be Man 2. Dan, you be Shitty Pathetic Twerp. Can you do that shitty pathetic voice you do? DAN What voice? Everyone laughs. ADAM That's the one. Okay, Kevin you be Great Sex Man, I'll be Even Better Sex Man. Emily you be Wucky the Unlucky Ducky. Ooh, and also Man 3. Murph, you be Fat Tits Bomberman. Josh, can you do a Vatican accent? JOSH (Still Over the top British) Oim the Pohpe oi am? ADAM Great. Be Dog Pope. Dan, be A Weasley Shitstain of A Person. Kevin be Emily. Can you do your Emily voice? KEVIN (dubbed Emily voice) Got it. ADAM Nice. Murph, you be Gefilte Filcher, the Passover Thief. Josh be Bad at Sports Michael Jordon. Dan be Han Solo But Without the Charm or Coolness and With Face Herpes and No Balls. Emily be Margaret Conover, my mom, but don't make it weird. Also Man 4. And Man 5. Josh, can you do a South African accent? JOSH (Inhales deeply. Beat. Exhales.) No. No I cannot. ADAM Dan, how about you? DAN (in perfect South African accent) Oh, yeah! Actually, I was born in South Africa, so- ADAM Great, you be South African Toilet. I'll be Handsome Toilet Shitter. Murph, you be Big Big Big Big Big Dump. Kevin, you want to be Lord Hudak, Prince of the Forgotten Cosmos? Emily you be a Hayward MicroClear Aboveground Chlorinated Filtration System. Dan, you be Shit Man, Piss Man, Garbage Human, Nitwit, Cunt and Cunt 2. Aaand... Dan. And that's everyone. Oh, Owen, can you read stage directions? OWEN (chuckling darkly) ... stage directions... Owen flips the table. OWEN FUCK YOU, man! I went to fucking JUILLIARD! I SHOULD BE FAT TITS BOMBERMAN! END.