We apply the logic used to criticize sports to criticize EVERYTHING.
By Dan Hopper, Alex Watt & Brian Murphy
NOTE: This is a tagout sketch.
HOPPER is at a bookstore with GUY 1.
I don't understand why people CARE
about literature. Hello? It's not
MURPH talks to GUY 2.
Ruth Bader Ginsburg, is she like a
president? I don't really follow
WATT is with GIRL 1.
I stopped keeping up with current
events when I got to high school. I
just outgrew it.
Hopper talks to Guy 1 in an Avengers shirt.
Um, you're not on the Avengers.
Thor doesn't care about you.
Murph is watching TV with Guy 2.
Why do you watch Parks & Rec?
Leslie and Ben getting together
doesn't affect your life.
Watt is walking down the street with Girl 1.
I guess some people would say that
Jon Stewart is talented, but I
never got into laughing.
Hopper gets up from a table with Guy 1 and a COUPLE OTHER
Uh-oh, here we go with the HIP-HOP
talk! Guess the rest of us should
leave the room.
Murph talks to Guy 2.
So you think it's OK that these
entitled 18-year-olds are going to
school for free just because
they're good at math?
WATT talks to Girl 1.
I don't even know who won the Nobel
prize this year, and I don't care.
Hopper is at a concert with Guy 1.
Music, great. Let's listen to this
guy because he can hit strings
Murph is watching Guy 2 type.
Wish I could be an engineer and get
paid to type science into a
Watt is in a book store with Girl 1.
(pretending to write)
Look, I'm an author. Give me
millions of dollars to write words.
Hopper and Guy 1 are at an art gallery.
Ooo, it's the arts gallery. Let's
paint a sculpture!
Murph is on set for a film shoot mocking Guy 2, who is
holding a camera.
Ooo, we're the movie mans. I can't
wait to make a television!
Watt driving while Girl 1 sits shotgun.
Ooo, I'm Mr. Driver. Should I "go"
at the "stop" sign?
Hopper walkin' and talkin' with Guy 1.
My dad forced reading down my
throat when I was a kid, so I've
pretty much always hated it.
Murph with Guy 2.
I grew up in Detroit so I can't
Watt with Girl 1.
The student government kids were
the BIGGEST douches in high school.
Voting is for meatheads.
Hopper and Guy 1 at the dinner table. Guy 1 is eating.
Oh my God, I haven't eaten a
vegetable in years. Is corn still
Murph is on the couch next to Guy 2.
Steven Spielberg? THAT GUY still
Watt walks by a movie theater with Girl 1.
You still like movies? Even after
what Roman Polanski did?
Hopper is on the couch with Guy 1.
Singing is barbaric. I can't
believe you enjoy watching people
destroy their vocal cords.
Murph chats with Guy 2.
I'd probably be more into sex if
everyone didn't make such a big
deal about it.
Watt talks to Girl 1.
Yeah, I can't follow all this
medicine stuff. Cholestoral,
memorizing numbers, this pill on
this day of the week. It's a waste
Watt drops dead. Girl 1 leaves.
Murph and Hopper on the street.
Are you going to Watt's funeral?
Bunch of adults dressed up in black
chucking a guy in the ground.
Pretty pathetic if you ask me.
It's closed casket.