We apply the logic used to criticize sports to criticize EVERYTHING.
By Dan Hopper, Alex Watt & Brian Murphy
NOTE: This is a tagout sketch. HOPPER is at a bookstore with GUY 1. HOPPER I don't understand why people CARE about literature. Hello? It's not REAL. MURPH talks to GUY 2. MURPH Ruth Bader Ginsburg, is she like a president? I don't really follow politics. WATT is with GIRL 1. WATT I stopped keeping up with current events when I got to high school. I just outgrew it. Hopper talks to Guy 1 in an Avengers shirt. HOPPER Um, you're not on the Avengers. Thor doesn't care about you. Murph is watching TV with Guy 2. MURPH Why do you watch Parks & Rec? Leslie and Ben getting together doesn't affect your life. Watt is walking down the street with Girl 1. WATT I guess some people would say that Jon Stewart is talented, but I never got into laughing. Hopper gets up from a table with Guy 1 and a COUPLE OTHER GUYS. HOPPER Uh-oh, here we go with the HIP-HOP talk! Guess the rest of us should leave the room. Murph talks to Guy 2. MURPH So you think it's OK that these entitled 18-year-olds are going to school for free just because they're good at math? WATT talks to Girl 1. WATT I don't even know who won the Nobel prize this year, and I don't care. Hopper is at a concert with Guy 1. HOPPER Music, great. Let's listen to this guy because he can hit strings well. Murph is watching Guy 2 type. MURPH Wish I could be an engineer and get paid to type science into a computer. Watt is in a book store with Girl 1. WATT (pretending to write) Look, I'm an author. Give me millions of dollars to write words. Hopper and Guy 1 are at an art gallery. HOPPER Ooo, it's the arts gallery. Let's paint a sculpture! Murph is on set for a film shoot mocking Guy 2, who is holding a camera. MURPH Ooo, we're the movie mans. I can't wait to make a television! Watt driving while Girl 1 sits shotgun. WATT Ooo, I'm Mr. Driver. Should I "go" at the "stop" sign? Hopper walkin' and talkin' with Guy 1. HOPPER My dad forced reading down my throat when I was a kid, so I've pretty much always hated it. Murph with Guy 2. MURPH I grew up in Detroit so I can't stand cars. Watt with Girl 1. WATT The student government kids were the BIGGEST douches in high school. Voting is for meatheads. Hopper and Guy 1 at the dinner table. Guy 1 is eating. HOPPER (condescendingly) Oh my God, I haven't eaten a vegetable in years. Is corn still good? Murph is on the couch next to Guy 2. MURPH Steven Spielberg? THAT GUY still directs? Watt walks by a movie theater with Girl 1. WATT You still like movies? Even after what Roman Polanski did? Hopper is on the couch with Guy 1. HOPPER Singing is barbaric. I can't believe you enjoy watching people destroy their vocal cords. Murph chats with Guy 2. MURPH I'd probably be more into sex if everyone didn't make such a big deal about it. Watt talks to Girl 1. WATT Yeah, I can't follow all this medicine stuff. Cholestoral, memorizing numbers, this pill on this day of the week. It's a waste of time. Watt drops dead. Girl 1 leaves. Murph and Hopper on the street. HOPPER Are you going to Watt's funeral? MURPH Bunch of adults dressed up in black chucking a guy in the ground. Pretty pathetic if you ask me. HOPPER (laughs) Yeah. (serious) It's closed casket. END.