From CH Staff on
Emily steals a work of art that's as priceless as it is alive.
By Patrick Cassels
INT. OFFICE - IT WAS A RUN-BY FRUITING A ROPE falls from the ceiling and EMILY descends. She's wearing black spandex, like a cat burglar. She tosses a LARGE BURLAP PACKAGE to the ground. PAT & ADAM approach. PAT Emily, what are you doing? EMILY ("snooping" left and right) Emily's my day name. By night, I'm a master art thief. I'm called "The Mole" because of my keen senses. ADAM Aren't moles blind? EMILY Well, I guess some- PAT And deaf? ADAM And fat with stubby little arms? EMILY Shut up! It doesn't matter, because The Mole--that's me--has broken into the Museum of Modern Art and pulled off the greatest heist of her career. Behold! Emily TEARS away the burlap, revealing TILDA SWINTON underneath, serene and sitting cross-legged. PAT Um, Emily, that's Tilda Swinton. I thought you were an art thief. ADAM No Pat, Tilda Swinton is art. I read about it in The New York Times Asshole section. She's living in a gallery in the MoMA as some kind of performance art. EMILY Correction, she was living in the gallery. Now, The Mole has her! PAT Not for long. Get her out of here. EMILY What's the matter, Pat? Afraid of a little... danger? PAT No. Tilda Swinton is just super creepy. ADAM I gotta agree. Look, she's playing a cello made of her own hair. REVEAL Tilda Swinton is doing... this. TILDA SWINTON (to no one in particular) I screamed into a quarry once. Instead of an echo, the void was disgusted with me. PAT Jesus Christ. See? EMILY But if I can sell her on the black market, I'll be rich! ADAM Who's going to buy Tilda Swinton? EMILY This Croatian trillionaire is pretty interested. SLIGHT PAN reveals a CROATIAN TRILLIONAIRE. CROATIAN TRILLIONAIRE (in Croatian, subtitled) She'll look perfect next to my air hockey table. PAT Can't you keep her in a storage locker- ah jeez, look, she's eating a fruit of her own creation... REVEAL Tilda Swinton is biting into an orange-banana hybrid. ADAM You're getting juice on the rug. TILDA SWINTON A book is a mirror walking down the street. And I can't read. PAT Ugh. That's it. Adam, help me get her into the dumpster. There's a KNOCK on the door. Emily peeks out the window. EMILY Oh no! The cops! Pat, stall them. Adam! Help me hide the loot. ADAM By "loot," you mean Tilda-? EMILY I- yes, I mean Tilda Swinton. Emily and Adam clumsily throw blankets over Tilda Swinton. Pat answers the door and two hard-boiled DETECTIVES (Brian and Nick) enter, peeking around suspiciously. PAT Um... Can I help you? DETECTIVE 1 I'm detective Rodriguez, this is detective Octavio. We're looking into the theft of Tilda Swinton. PAT W- what makes you think Tilda Swinton's here? DETECTIVE 2 Oh, you know: experimental music complaints, missing crows, a neighbor said they saw a black wedding dress hanging from a haunted oak tree. The usual. PAT Well, she's not here. RIGHT behind Pat, Emily and Adam shuffle by with the covered Tilda Swinton, knocking into stuff. It's painfully obvious. EMILY/ADAM Oof. Shimmy, Adam! / I am! TILDA SWINTON (O.C.) My mother was a ghost. I've never forgiven her for this. DETECTIVE 1 (gets up in Pat's face) I've smelled a lot of fucking rats in my time, and this guy... is telling the truth. Sorry to waste your time. The cops turn to go, but Detective 2 spots something. DETECTIVE 2 Is that a wedding cake made of blood? REVEAL Tilda Swinton has left this strange item behind. The cops pull their guns out. DETECTIVE 2 HANDS IN THE FUCKING AIR! Pat, Emily and Adam raise their hands. The blankets fall off Tilda Swinton, who is now nursing a wolf pup. DETECTIVE 1 Against the wall! NOW! EMILY I'm innocent! I swear! I just found her in the back of a Jamesway! DETECTIVE 2 Tell it to the judge. CROATIAN TRILLIONAIRE (O.C.) (subtitled, in Croatian) What the fuck?! The Croatian Trillionaire examines Tilda Swinton with a magnifying glass. CROATIAN TRILLIONAIRE (O.C.) This is no Tilda Swinton. It's a worthless Cate Blanchett! He pulls out a Kalishnikov. The cops raise their guns. Just as an EPIC GUNFIGHT breaks out we... END.