From CH Staff on
Office safety expert Gerry Seinfeld gives the gang some more useless advice.
By Brian Murphy & Owen Parsons
INT. OFFICE GERRY SEINFELD addresses the STAFF. GERRY SEINFELD I am your first aid instructor. I have been in several hundred extreme accidents in the last year alone. So I am very qualified. OWEN raises his hand. OWEN Two questions: Weren't you our fire marshal and didn't you die? GERRY SEINFELD Questions at the end. CUT TO: Gerry presents VOLUNTEER 1 pretending to choke. GERRY SEINFELD Now in the event that someone is choking like our volunteer here, ya gonna wanna explain to them the concept of chewing. (to Volunteer 1) Use ya teeth. (he demonstrates) Num num num. Ya teeth. Stop choking. Break up the food into little pieces and THEN swallow. VOLUNTEER 1 Shouldn't you do the Heimlich maneuver? GERRY SEINFELD Hug a co-worker from behind? (to everyone) We got a rapist here, ladies. Shots of the staff looking uncomfortable. CUT TO: Gerry is in front of the First Aid box. GERRY SEINFELD If ya got a headache, ya feelin' feverish, take some medicine from the box here. (opens it and gestures) Eat as many as you want, as often as you want. It's medicine, can't have too much of a good thing. He reaches in, pulls out a handful of pills, and puts them in his mouth. Owen raises his hand. GERRY SEINFELD (chewing pills) Questions at the end. CUT TO: Gerry has VOLUNTEER 2 on the ground. GERRY SEINFELD Does anyone know what CPR stands for? Several people raise their hands. GERRY SEINFELD It's alright, nobody knows. To perform CPR, you need to replace the bad air in their mouth, with good air from yours. VOLUNTEER 2 Wait, you're not really gonna- Gerry puts his lips onto theirs and blows in, then holds their lips and nose shut. GERRY SEINFELD Then hold it in, nice and tight. Keep that good air in. Volunteer 2 struggles. CUT TO: Gerry gestures to a phone. GERRY SEINFELD Now if ya see an emergency. Who do ya call? VOLUNTEER 3 9-1-1? GERRY SEINFELD WRONG! 9-1-1 is operated by strangers. Ya gonna wanna call ya dad, he'll know what to do. If ya dad's not home, call ya Uncle John. If he doesn't pick-up cause he's at Bennigans, call ya Aunt Jeanie, she usually keeps her phone on. CUT TO: Gerry clutches his chest. GERRY SEINFELD If you begin to feel tightness in ya chest and a numbness up and down ya left side, do some strenuous physical activity. Workout that left arm, get the blood pumpin', get ya heart rate up. If ya think ya smell toast, look around, maybe someone's makin' toast. I can't tell you how many times I've smelled a food and found out someone was makin' it nearby. It's a good trick. CUT TO: Back to Volunteer 2 on the ground, gasping for air. GERRY SEINFELD To check for a pulse, put ya hands on the neck like so and get a nice tight grip. He strangles Volunteer 2. GERRY SEINFELD It's totally normal for the victim to convulse. We see Gerry from Volunteer 2's fading POV. GERRY SEINFELD Totally. Normal. Volunteer 2's eyes close. CUT TO: Gerry is in the mail room. GERRY SEINFELD Number one cause of injury in the office is- OWEN Uh, I dunno, tripping? GERRY SEINFELD WRONG! Cuttin' ya head off in the paper slicer. PAN DOWN to the paper slicer. He pulls up the blade, everyone looks worried. GERRY SEINFELD When using the paper slicer, be absolutely sure that ya head is not under the blade. To do this, get ya face down there real close so you can see ya head's not underneath. Gerry gets his face VERY close to the blade. The staff whimpers. He prepares to pull it down as everyone turns away. We hear the blade fall. Everyone winces. GERRY SEINFELD (O.S.) That concludes today's safety demonstration. Everyone's relieved. GERRY SEINFELD However, I did cut off both my hands in the papa slica so if someone could call my dad- He holds up two bloody stumps. Everyone shrieks and runs away. GERRY SEINFELD I can't do it, I don't have any arms. END. POST-HUH: Gerry fumbles to use a phone with his stumps. GERRY SEINFELD Aunt Jeanie, put Uncle John on the phone. I don't care if he's in the bathroom, slide it under the door.