Office safety expert Gerry Seinfeld gives the gang some more useless advice.
By Brian Murphy & Owen Parsons
GERRY SEINFELD addresses the STAFF.
I am your first aid instructor. I
have been in several hundred
extreme accidents in the last year
alone. So I am very qualified.
OWEN raises his hand.
Two questions: Weren't you our fire
marshal and didn't you die?
Questions at the end.
Gerry presents VOLUNTEER 1 pretending to choke.
Now in the event that someone is
choking like our volunteer here, ya
gonna wanna explain to them the
concept of chewing.
(to Volunteer 1)
Use ya teeth.
Num num num. Ya teeth. Stop
choking. Break up the food into
little pieces and THEN swallow.
Shouldn't you do the Heimlich
Hug a co-worker from behind?
We got a rapist here, ladies.
Shots of the staff looking uncomfortable.
Gerry is in front of the First Aid box.
If ya got a headache, ya feelin'
feverish, take some medicine from
the box here.
(opens it and gestures)
Eat as many as you want, as often
as you want. It's medicine, can't
have too much of a good thing.
He reaches in, pulls out a handful of pills, and puts them
in his mouth. Owen raises his hand.
Questions at the end.
Gerry has VOLUNTEER 2 on the ground.
Does anyone know what CPR stands
Several people raise their hands.
It's alright, nobody knows. To
perform CPR, you need to replace
the bad air in their mouth, with
good air from yours.
Wait, you're not really gonna-
Gerry puts his lips onto theirs and blows in, then holds
their lips and nose shut.
Then hold it in, nice and tight.
Keep that good air in.
Volunteer 2 struggles.
Gerry gestures to a phone.
Now if ya see an emergency. Who do
WRONG! 9-1-1 is operated by
strangers. Ya gonna wanna call ya
dad, he'll know what to do. If ya
dad's not home, call ya Uncle John.
If he doesn't pick-up cause he's at
Bennigans, call ya Aunt Jeanie, she
usually keeps her phone on.
Gerry clutches his chest.
If you begin to feel tightness in
ya chest and a numbness up and down
ya left side, do some strenuous
physical activity. Workout that
left arm, get the blood pumpin',
get ya heart rate up. If ya think
ya smell toast, look around, maybe
someone's makin' toast. I can't
tell you how many times I've
smelled a food and found out
someone was makin' it nearby. It's
a good trick.
Back to Volunteer 2 on the ground, gasping for air.
To check for a pulse, put ya hands
on the neck like so and get a nice
He strangles Volunteer 2.
It's totally normal for the victim
We see Gerry from Volunteer 2's fading POV.
Volunteer 2's eyes close.
Gerry is in the mail room.
Number one cause of injury in the
Uh, I dunno, tripping?
WRONG! Cuttin' ya head off in the
PAN DOWN to the paper slicer. He pulls up the blade,
everyone looks worried.
When using the paper slicer, be
absolutely sure that ya head is not
under the blade. To do this, get ya
face down there real close so you
can see ya head's not underneath.
Gerry gets his face VERY close to the blade. The staff
whimpers. He prepares to pull it down as everyone turns
away. We hear the blade fall. Everyone winces.
GERRY SEINFELD (O.S.)
That concludes today's safety
However, I did cut off both my
hands in the papa slica so if
someone could call my dad-
He holds up two bloody stumps. Everyone shrieks and runs
I can't do it, I don't have any
Gerry fumbles to use a phone with his stumps.
Aunt Jeanie, put Uncle John on the
phone. I don't care if he's in the
bathroom, slide it under the door.