Today's special is.... pure evil.
By Dan Gurewitch
INT. OFFICE (WHEELHOUSE? NOLL HOLE?) - NIGHT
Around a table: STREETER, SAM, JAKE, PATRICK, MURPH, and
EMILY. (Possible subs: Sarah, David, Amir). All exhausted.
I'm getting to that place where
you're so tired that you start
saying things that make no squids.
DAN enters, creepily enthusiastic, with a covered platter.
6:04 AM! The horizon's got a turtle
head pokin' out and it's the sun!
Was that a Fat Bastard reference?
I bet you're hungi as a fungi.
Luckily I brought a big honking
platter of my family's signature
We've heard about Beef Gurewitch
and we want no part of it.
Murph and Emily put their heads together. Murph takes out a
GUN and SHOOTS THEM BOTH THROUGH THE HEAD WITH ONE BULLET.
They flop over, dead.
I know you've had your issues with
Beef Gurewitch, so this year, I
brought a different dish: Sheep
SOUND FX: A SHEEP'S "BAAAAHHH!" A THUNDER CLAP.
And this one's just like, a normal
dish? No backstory, or-
The story of Sheep Gurewitch
begins, like all stories, with the
Big Bang: an annual bestiality orgy
held in the late 1794s by the
criminally insane farmer Funbungo
Gurewitch. Funbungo was my great
grandfurter: an old man from the
waist up, and a hot dog from the
waist down. Now, there were few
animals that Funbungo loved more
No, "ewe," a sheep. A female sheep.
(making Murph's dead mouth
move, singing with it)
"Ray, a drop of golden sun!"
Every Big Bang, Funbungo would make
love to all 112 1/2 sheep in his
flock. After a tender lovemaking
session in which its G-spot was
repeatedly slammed, his favorite
sheep realized it would never again
experience such pleasure, became
clinically depressed, grew
opposable thumbs and hanged itself.
Sorry, 112 1/2 sheep?
Funbungo was devastated by the
loss, and for two months he saved
his tears in a jar of farts. Then
he hired a tribal witch doctor from
Passaic, New Jersey to cut open the
sheep's dead body, fill it with 20
baby sheep, and sew it back up
again. The baby sheep moving around
inside the dead sheep made it look
so alive that Funbungo had to make
love to it again. But as before,
depressed by having reached an
unrepeatable peak of orgasmic
pleasure, the baby sheep hung
themselves with the dead sheep's
Are we on that Donald Faison prank
The Gurewitch family saved
Funbungo's sheep-in-a-sheep corpse
in a burlap sack on the roof of the
United Nations, and every 25 years,
we remove one of the baby sheep,
dunk it in fish oil, spray it with
insecticide, blow a rape whistle in
its ear, grind it to a viscous
paste and microwave it 'til it
explodes and there you have it:
Dan puts down the platter. Everyone WINCES as Dan unveils: A
PERFECTLY NORMAL-LOOKING LAMB DISH. Through covered eyes:
Oh, that- that actually looks
Honestly, Dan? Honestly? Thank you!
Everyone goes to dig in. But then:
Oh, I forgot to mention the most
important part of Sheep Gurewitch.
It's cooked by Beef Gurewitch.
The gang turns to see a LIFE-SIZED BLUE-AND-GREEN MEAT
MONSTER (Henry Zebrowski) in a cute CHEF'S HAT, wearing a
"Kiss The Cook!" apron. His body is covered in dangling blue
meat, which also extends to his head and around his facial
features. He unleashes a GUTTERAL, HORRIFYING SCREAM: MEAT
Everyone SCREAMS. The familiar BANJO MUSIC kicks in for the:
MONTAGE: THE MEAT MONSTER TERRORIZES EVERYONE
-The monster PUNCHES JAKE IN THE BACK. His hand emerges from
Jake's stomach (CU on hand emerging through a hole in the
front of Jake's shirt: a blue rubber glove covered in wet
meat and organs, fingers twiddling).
-The monster holds Streeter's head as Streeter lies on the
table, legs up and spread as if giving birth. CUT TO THE
WALL as it is SPLATTERED WITH PROJECTILE BLUE MEAT.
-In the background, everyone runs around, screaming. In the
foreground, the MEAT MONSTER POPS UP:
-Patrick holds up a cross to the monster, in an attempt to
stop it. But the monster holds up a comically large
hypodermic needle filled with blue meat, and injects it into
Patrick. Patrick VOMITS BLUE MEAT.
-Sam tries to escape, but the door is locked.
Beef Gurewitch has no patience for
The meat monster CLAPS, and suddenly Sam is wearing a MEAT
FACEMASK (a la the previous episode - pineapple ring eyes,
olive mouth). Sam SCREAMS.
Everyone else SCREAMS.
Sam SCREAMS AGAIN.
Back to the table for ANOTHER SCREAM, except this time,
EVERYONE IS WEARING A MEAT FACEMASK.
What kind of person would do this?!
Maybe a person named: Funbungo.
Reveal KEVIN in a FARMER'S OUTFIT, LAUGHING MANIACALLY AND
MAKING OUT WITH A SHEEP PUPPET'S FACE.
C.U. FROM KEVIN'S WAIST DOWN: it's just a DANGLING HOT DOG.