From CH Staff on
Today's special is.... pure evil.
By Dan Gurewitch
INT. OFFICE (WHEELHOUSE? NOLL HOLE?) - NIGHT Around a table: STREETER, SAM, JAKE, PATRICK, MURPH, and EMILY. (Possible subs: Sarah, David, Amir). All exhausted. SAM I'm getting to that place where you're so tired that you start saying things that make no squids. DAN enters, creepily enthusiastic, with a covered platter. DAN 6:04 AM! The horizon's got a turtle head pokin' out and it's the sun! PATRICK Was that a Fat Bastard reference? DAN I bet you're hungi as a fungi. Luckily I brought a big honking platter of my family's signature dish. MURPH (scared/determined) We've heard about Beef Gurewitch and we want no part of it. Murph and Emily put their heads together. Murph takes out a GUN and SHOOTS THEM BOTH THROUGH THE HEAD WITH ONE BULLET. They flop over, dead. DAN I know you've had your issues with Beef Gurewitch, so this year, I brought a different dish: Sheep Gurewitch. SOUND FX: A SHEEP'S "BAAAAHHH!" A THUNDER CLAP. JAKE And this one's just like, a normal dish? No backstory, or- DAN The story of Sheep Gurewitch begins, like all stories, with the Big Bang: an annual bestiality orgy held in the late 1794s by the criminally insane farmer Funbungo Gurewitch. Funbungo was my great grandfurter: an old man from the waist up, and a hot dog from the waist down. Now, there were few animals that Funbungo loved more than ewe. STREETER Me? DAN No, "ewe," a sheep. A female sheep. SAM (making Murph's dead mouth move, singing with it) "Ray, a drop of golden sun!" Dead silence. DAN Every Big Bang, Funbungo would make love to all 112 1/2 sheep in his flock. After a tender lovemaking session in which its G-spot was repeatedly slammed, his favorite sheep realized it would never again experience such pleasure, became clinically depressed, grew opposable thumbs and hanged itself. PATRICK Sorry, 112 1/2 sheep? DAN Funbungo was devastated by the loss, and for two months he saved his tears in a jar of farts. Then he hired a tribal witch doctor from Passaic, New Jersey to cut open the sheep's dead body, fill it with 20 baby sheep, and sew it back up again. The baby sheep moving around inside the dead sheep made it look so alive that Funbungo had to make love to it again. But as before, depressed by having reached an unrepeatable peak of orgasmic pleasure, the baby sheep hung themselves with the dead sheep's internal organs. JAKE Are we on that Donald Faison prank show? DAN The Gurewitch family saved Funbungo's sheep-in-a-sheep corpse in a burlap sack on the roof of the United Nations, and every 25 years, we remove one of the baby sheep, dunk it in fish oil, spray it with insecticide, blow a rape whistle in its ear, grind it to a viscous paste and microwave it 'til it explodes and there you have it: Sheep Gurewitch. Dan puts down the platter. Everyone WINCES as Dan unveils: A PERFECTLY NORMAL-LOOKING LAMB DISH. Through covered eyes: SAM Oh, that- that actually looks pretty good. STREETER Honestly, Dan? Honestly? Thank you! Everyone goes to dig in. But then: DAN Oh, I forgot to mention the most important part of Sheep Gurewitch. PATRICK What's that? DAN It's cooked by Beef Gurewitch. The gang turns to see a LIFE-SIZED BLUE-AND-GREEN MEAT MONSTER (Henry Zebrowski) in a cute CHEF'S HAT, wearing a "Kiss The Cook!" apron. His body is covered in dangling blue meat, which also extends to his head and around his facial features. He unleashes a GUTTERAL, HORRIFYING SCREAM: MEAT MONSTER BEEF! Everyone SCREAMS. The familiar BANJO MUSIC kicks in for the: MONTAGE: THE MEAT MONSTER TERRORIZES EVERYONE -The monster PUNCHES JAKE IN THE BACK. His hand emerges from Jake's stomach (CU on hand emerging through a hole in the front of Jake's shirt: a blue rubber glove covered in wet meat and organs, fingers twiddling). -The monster holds Streeter's head as Streeter lies on the table, legs up and spread as if giving birth. CUT TO THE WALL as it is SPLATTERED WITH PROJECTILE BLUE MEAT. -In the background, everyone runs around, screaming. In the foreground, the MEAT MONSTER POPS UP: MEAT MONSTER BEEF. -Patrick holds up a cross to the monster, in an attempt to stop it. But the monster holds up a comically large hypodermic needle filled with blue meat, and injects it into Patrick. Patrick VOMITS BLUE MEAT. -Sam tries to escape, but the door is locked. MEAT MONSTER Beef Gurewitch has no patience for cowards. The meat monster CLAPS, and suddenly Sam is wearing a MEAT FACEMASK (a la the previous episode - pineapple ring eyes, olive mouth). Sam SCREAMS. Everyone else SCREAMS. Sam SCREAMS AGAIN. Back to the table for ANOTHER SCREAM, except this time, EVERYONE IS WEARING A MEAT FACEMASK. PATRICK What kind of person would do this?! DAN Maybe a person named: Funbungo. Reveal KEVIN in a FARMER'S OUTFIT, LAUGHING MANIACALLY AND MAKING OUT WITH A SHEEP PUPPET'S FACE. C.U. FROM KEVIN'S WAIST DOWN: it's just a DANGLING HOT DOG. END.