From CH Staff on
The Phantom of the Office returns to his own haunts.
By Streeter Seidell
INT. OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Dan and Pat walk around the corner to find Phantom working at a desk. DAN Phantom? We haven't seen you in a year and a half! We thought you died. PAT Or, like, whatever you do instead of dying. PHANTOM No no, boys. Bossman switched me to the graveyard shift. Said I was making some of the female employees uncomfortable with my 'constant threats to intern them in my crypt as mere playthings for all eternity.' DAN Cool...well, we have a pretty busy night, so just try to do your work quietly and stay out of everyone's way. Turn to reveal Phantom is gone. Angle back on Dan, Phantom pops up behind him. PHANTOM No problemo. CUT TO Looking up from his desk. PHANTOM Does anyone have Purell? Anybody got a squirt of Purell? No reaction. CUT TO Phantom is holding up a pen. PHANTOM Is this someone's pen? Looks like it's been slightly chewed, but I think there's still some life left in here! CUT TO Phantom stands by himself with both his arms out as if he's got them around shoulders. PHANTOM Hey Sambone, grab one of me, but tag that shit TBT for Throwback Thursday! Phantom Snaps. SARAH and DAVID instantly appear under Phantom's arms. They were clearly both just asleep. Sarah is in a grubby t-shirt and shorts and David is in a wifebeater with no pants or underwear. Both are screaming and both have a bloody nose. Sam is frightened but instinctively takes the picture. SARAH Phantom! What the fuck! I was sleeping! DAVID Wha...what just happened?! Where am I?! PHANTOM Syrah! David! Glad you could make it to the All Nighter! (re: David's dick) and I see you've brought a hairy little friend! DAVID Where's my wife?! Is she OK?! OH GOD, MY WIFE! He starts sobbing. PHANTOM Ugh...annoying. He snaps, sending David back from whence he came. SARAH Send me back to my bed NOW! A beat. Phantom checks her out. PHANTOM Hey, have you ever been in jail? Because dem titties are breaking the law...of gravity! Seriously, Syrah, no bra and those things are almost choking you! SARAH You're a pig. She storms off. Phantom shrugs it off and turns to a stunned Sam. PHANTOM Lemme peep that 'gram? He looks at Sam's phone and sees a picture of David and Sarah screaming, but Phantom isn't there. PHANTOM No likes?! Not swag at all. CUT TO Phantom is talking on an iPhone he has on speaker while everyone else is trying to work. PHONE Now the Brooklyn bridge is closed, too! PHANTOM Yeah, well you have to expect that they're going to close some of the bridges at this hour. PAT Hey! Could you take your phone off speaker? It's really distracting. PHANTOM I'm talking to cabbies. PAT I don't care! Just take it off speaker. Phantom does. PHANTOM ...sorry Miguel, just some pussy bitch who got all butthurt cuz we're shooting the shit. CUT TO Phantom enters a meeting with a few writers PHANTOM Anyone have some purell? Anybody spare a squeeze? CUT TO PHANTOM You what's a weird word? Goat. If you say it enough, it starts to sound weird: Goat. Goat. Goat. Goat. Goat. CUT TO Phantom is at his desk. PHANTOM Just wrote a boss tweet: "Pickles are the preserved corpses of dead cucumbers." Anybody got the stones to RT that? I don't want your favies, just your RTs. CUT TO PHANTOM Listen to this sick beat I just made up - Phantom starts annoyingly tapping on his desk. PHANTOM Somebody drop a rhyme on that! Somebody ice that cake! Somebody butter that bun! Somebody step in that dog pile! Nobody does. CUT TO PHANTOM Anybody know how to set a DVR from an iPhone? Duck Dynasty marathon tonight. Swag. CUT TO Jake is listening to music on his headphones. Phantom sneaks up and cranks the volume to max on Jake's speakers and presses his earbuds into his head. Jake struggles and finally rips his earbuds out. PHANTOM I call that ear drumming! We should try to make it a thing. JAKE Asshole! PHANTOM Hymen! (beat) Are we yelling body parts? CUT TO Phantom interrupts another video shoot. PHANTOM And CUT! Anybody holding dat Purell? CUT TO Paul is about to call action on a video. PAUL OK, let's get quiet all around. The CAST and CREW quiet down. In the BG OC, we hear Phantom PHANTOM ...goat. goat. goat. goat. goat. CUT TO PHANTOM If aliens ever come here they're going to be like "so you're telling me you can video chat with people on the other side of the world but you're still using laces to keep your shoes on?" You KNOW I'm right. CUT TO PHANTOM Am I the only one who is "over" Louis CK? CUT TO PHANTOM What's up with Quinoa? Did I miss the meeting where we all decided to eat bland mouse turds instead of grains that taste good? Get on my level. CUT TO Emily is sitting at her desk. Phantom pops up between her legs. She SHRIEKS a little. PHANTOM I'm just gonna come right out and ask: Do you have a man? EMILY Yes. I'm engaged. Phantom stands up. He points to Jake. PHANTOM Ha! I TOLD you someone was hitting it, dude! You owe me 5 bones. JAKE I didn't take that bet, man. PHANTOM Lemme hold 5 bones anyway though? CUT TO Mike Schaubach is editing a video. Phantom pops in, turns the lights on. PHANTOM Hey Clamhand, you got any of that Purell? CUT TO PHANTOM I walked by a Jamba Juice the other day and was like, "Oh yeah, this place." I haven't been there in a minute. CUT TO PHANTOM If I can't call things gay anymore, how am I supposed to describe something I think is retarded? CUT TO Phantom is standing at his desk. PHANTOM Does anyone have Purell? Looking for some Purell? Does anyone have pur- Dan FREAKS out and stands up holding a bottle of Purell. DAN Jesus! Yes! I have Purell! Here! Here is some Purell! A beat. PHANTOM You know that you're just creating super germs by using that stuff, right? Another beat as Dan seethes. DAN Did you ask for Purell ten times just so you could say that? PHANTOM (looking at his phone) Getting a lot of favies on that pickle tweet. Swag.