The Phantom of the Office returns to his own haunts.
By Streeter Seidell
INT. OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
Dan and Pat walk around the corner to find Phantom working
at a desk.
Phantom? We haven't seen you in a
year and a half! We thought you
Or, like, whatever you do instead
No no, boys. Bossman switched me to
the graveyard shift. Said I was
making some of the female employees
uncomfortable with my 'constant
threats to intern them in my crypt
as mere playthings for all
Cool...well, we have a pretty busy
night, so just try to do your work
quietly and stay out of everyone's
Turn to reveal Phantom is gone. Angle back on Dan, Phantom
pops up behind him.
Looking up from his desk.
Does anyone have Purell? Anybody
got a squirt of Purell?
Phantom is holding up a pen.
Is this someone's pen? Looks like
it's been slightly chewed, but I
think there's still some life left
Phantom stands by himself with both his arms out as if he's
got them around shoulders.
Hey Sambone, grab one of me, but
tag that shit TBT for Throwback
Phantom Snaps. SARAH and DAVID instantly appear under
Phantom's arms. They were clearly both just asleep. Sarah is
in a grubby t-shirt and shorts and David is in a wifebeater
with no pants or underwear. Both are screaming and both have
a bloody nose. Sam is frightened but instinctively takes the
Phantom! What the fuck! I was
Wha...what just happened?! Where am
Syrah! David! Glad you could make
it to the All Nighter! (re: David's
dick) and I see you've brought a
hairy little friend!
Where's my wife?! Is she OK?! OH
GOD, MY WIFE!
He starts sobbing.
He snaps, sending David back from whence he came.
Send me back to my bed NOW!
A beat. Phantom checks her out.
Hey, have you ever been in jail?
Because dem titties are breaking
the law...of gravity! Seriously,
Syrah, no bra and those things are
almost choking you!
You're a pig.
She storms off. Phantom shrugs it off and turns to a stunned
Lemme peep that 'gram?
He looks at Sam's phone and sees a picture of David and
Sarah screaming, but Phantom isn't there.
No likes?! Not swag at all.
Phantom is talking on an iPhone he has on speaker while
everyone else is trying to work.
Now the Brooklyn bridge is closed,
Yeah, well you have to expect that
they're going to close some of the
bridges at this hour.
Hey! Could you take your phone off
speaker? It's really distracting.
I'm talking to cabbies.
I don't care! Just take it off
...sorry Miguel, just some pussy
bitch who got all butthurt cuz
we're shooting the shit.
Phantom enters a meeting with a few writers
Anyone have some purell? Anybody
spare a squeeze?
You what's a weird word? Goat. If
you say it enough, it starts to
sound weird: Goat. Goat. Goat.
Phantom is at his desk.
Just wrote a boss tweet: "Pickles
are the preserved corpses of dead
cucumbers." Anybody got the stones
to RT that? I don't want your
favies, just your RTs.
Listen to this sick beat I just
made up -
Phantom starts annoyingly tapping on his desk.
Somebody drop a rhyme on that!
Somebody ice that cake! Somebody
butter that bun! Somebody step in
that dog pile!
Anybody know how to set a DVR from
an iPhone? Duck Dynasty marathon
Jake is listening to music on his headphones. Phantom sneaks
up and cranks the volume to max on Jake's speakers and
presses his earbuds into his head. Jake struggles and
finally rips his earbuds out.
I call that ear drumming! We should
try to make it a thing.
Hymen! (beat) Are we yelling body
Phantom interrupts another video shoot.
And CUT! Anybody holding dat
Paul is about to call action on a video.
OK, let's get quiet all around.
The CAST and CREW quiet down. In the BG OC, we hear Phantom
...goat. goat. goat. goat. goat.
If aliens ever come here they're
going to be like "so you're telling
me you can video chat with people
on the other side of the world but
you're still using laces to keep
your shoes on?" You KNOW I'm right.
Am I the only one who is "over"
What's up with Quinoa? Did I miss
the meeting where we all decided to
eat bland mouse turds instead of
grains that taste good? Get on my
Emily is sitting at her desk. Phantom pops up between her
legs. She SHRIEKS a little.
I'm just gonna come right out and
ask: Do you have a man?
Yes. I'm engaged.
Phantom stands up. He points to Jake.
Ha! I TOLD you someone was hitting
it, dude! You owe me 5 bones.
I didn't take that bet, man.
Lemme hold 5 bones anyway though?
Mike Schaubach is editing a video. Phantom pops in, turns
the lights on.
Hey Clamhand, you got any of that
I walked by a Jamba Juice the other
day and was like, "Oh yeah, this
place." I haven't been there in a
If I can't call things gay anymore,
how am I supposed to describe
something I think is retarded?
Phantom is standing at his desk.
Does anyone have Purell? Looking
for some Purell? Does anyone have
Dan FREAKS out and stands up holding a bottle of Purell.
Jesus! Yes! I have Purell! Here!
Here is some Purell!
You know that you're just creating
super germs by using that stuff,
Another beat as Dan seethes.
Did you ask for Purell ten times
just so you could say that?
(looking at his phone)
Getting a lot of favies on that
pickle tweet. Swag.