The newest episode of "The Adventures of Kim Jong Un" belongs on the CW (Communist Workfarm).
By Ben Joseph
Our THEME SONG plays. Kim Jong Un sits on the Iron Throne
from Game of Thrones, rides a lion with a fire-mane...
The Adventures of Kim Jong Un! /
Written and directed by Kim Jong-
ABRUPT CUT to a "TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES"-style card:
Tonight's The Adventures of Kim
Jong Un has been canceled. Please
enjoy this episode of...
CUT to a PASTEL TITLE CARD for...
TYPICAL AMERICAN HIGH SCHOOL!
CUT TO a NEW, DAWSON'S CREEK-ESQUE THEME SONG with pictures
of white kids drinking malts, playing football, forming a
human pyramid, showing off their new corduroy pants, etc.
Typical American High School /
Filled with heteronormative teens /
All kissing and high-fives and
corduroys / Trying to figure out
what it all means.
Through the song, we see cast cards for BECKY, CHAD, EMILY,
and ROBOT (the ROBOT MINISTER in a baseball cap and denim
vest), and finally, "AND INTRODUCING... KJ ONE." (Kim Jong
Un in a hoodie, t-shirt, and jeans.
INT. TYPICAL AMERICAN HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY
BECKY, CHAD, EMILY and ROBOT talk near their lockers with a
So then I realized this is the only
line I have in this episode-
Look look! It's moody cool new kid,
KJ One! He's so dreamy.
She points to KIM JONG UN (aka "KJ ONE") leaning against his
locker and casually FLICKING A LIGHTER.
I heard he had to leave his old
school because, when he asked a
girl to prom dance, every other
female student threw themselves in
front of trains.
As she talks, we see a CLOUDY FLASHBACK: Un at a SCHOOL
DANCE with his DATE. Every other girl, seeing this, CRIES
and runs outside. Outside, in an OVERHEAD SHOT, we see the
girls exit the school and promptly get hit by 7 side-by-side
BACK TO SCENE:
He now must wear that dampening
belt to keep his charisma levels
under 500 at all times.
REVEAL: Kim Jong Un is wearing a large, steampunk-esque
BELT. CHAD, a blonde jock, steps forward.
Pshaw! I don't think he's that
awesome. My jacket of letters has
Chad gestures to his LETTER JACKET, which does indeed have
five letters on it. (V, JV, Q, X, and, briefly, a SWASTIKA.
How many does his possess? Not as
many, I am sure.
Kim Jong Un puts on a jacket LITERALLY COVERED with letters.
Kim Jong Un turns around. The jacket has TUXEDO TAILS that
extend down the hallway, covered with even MORE LETTERS.
GYA-AH! That's it!
KJ ONE! I challenge you to a racing
car race! Meet me at the corner of
street and avenue tonight! Then we
will see who is top banana!
Kim Jong Un just stares at him. Chad steps closer.
Only a grave disappointment to
their father would not show up.
Kim Jong Un's eyes narrow. DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
A STREET RACE. ONLOOKERS wait as Chad idles in his
Haha! KJ will not show up! Nothing
could beat my Vin Diesel 7!
BOOM! BOOM! The ground shakes. A SHADOW falls over Chad's
car. He looks up to see - Kim Jong Un, dressed as SPEED
RACER, is riding a TYRANNOSAURUS REX!!
A FLAG GIRL steps out and starts the race:
Chad and the T-Rex TAKE OFF AT TOP SPEED. They run through
the city streets, neck and neck. Chad SNARLS at Un.
You'll never beat me! I have made
sure of that!
Chad points off to the right. ROBOT and a KITTEN are slowly
being lowerd into a pit of GIANT RATS.
Save us KJ ONE!
They're approaching the finish line. Kim Jong Un looks from
the Robot and kitten to the finish line.
There's no way he can rescue them
AND win the race... Unless...
Kim Jong Un bows his head, breathes deep, then rips off his
He glows with a GENTLE ENERGY as a LOWER THIRD BAR measuring
his charisma BLASTS out the right side of the screen. Emily
and Becky GASP and their eyes turn into TINY HEARTS.
Our eyes are stuck this way now!
Kim Jong Un, in a FLASH-LIKE BLUR, takes a right toward
Robot and Kitten. The T-rex grabs them just as they're about
to be lowered into the pit and throws them onto it's back.
Meanwhile, Chad approaches the finish line.
Hahaha! I won! I won! I-
Just as he's about to cross... BAM. The T-Rex lands on Chad,
flattening him and his car. A crowd of girls rushes Un.
KJ ONE! Will you take us all to
prom dance, so our lives may
Kim Jong Un, after a dramatic pause, nods.
The street erupts into a big DANCE PARTY. Fatboy Slim's Funk
Soul Brother plays. Kim Jong Un leaps off his T-rex. A crowd
of dancers catch him and hold him above their heads.
I'm so happy we're sexy-fun
American teens who don't run major
The pressures of that job would
truly be miserable.
Close on Kim Jong Un. His face hardens. His eyes close and a
TEAR falls from one cheek. As it hits the ground...
KA-BOOM! In a MASSIVE WIDE SHOT, the entire town explodes in
a MUSHROOM CLOUD in the shape of KIM JONG IL'S FACE.
ROLL CREDITS. The only picture this time is Kim Jong Un
sitting at a massive desk looking very, very lonely.
Typical American High School!