The newest episode of "The Adventures of Kim Jong Un" belongs on the CW (Communist Workfarm).
By Ben Joseph
Our THEME SONG plays. Kim Jong Un sits on the Iron Throne from Game of Thrones, rides a lion with a fire-mane... SINGER The Adventures of Kim Jong Un! / Written and directed by Kim Jong- ABRUPT CUT to a "TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES"-style card: ANNOUNCER Tonight's The Adventures of Kim Jong Un has been canceled. Please enjoy this episode of... CUT to a PASTEL TITLE CARD for... NARRATOR TYPICAL AMERICAN HIGH SCHOOL! CUT TO a NEW, DAWSON'S CREEK-ESQUE THEME SONG with pictures of white kids drinking malts, playing football, forming a human pyramid, showing off their new corduroy pants, etc. NEW SINGER Typical American High School / Filled with heteronormative teens / All kissing and high-fives and corduroys / Trying to figure out what it all means. Through the song, we see cast cards for BECKY, CHAD, EMILY, and ROBOT (the ROBOT MINISTER in a baseball cap and denim vest), and finally, "AND INTRODUCING... KJ ONE." (Kim Jong Un in a hoodie, t-shirt, and jeans. INT. TYPICAL AMERICAN HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY BECKY, CHAD, EMILY and ROBOT talk near their lockers with a RANDOM STUDENT. STUDENT 1 So then I realized this is the only line I have in this episode- ROBOT MINISTER (interrupting him) Look look! It's moody cool new kid, KJ One! He's so dreamy. She points to KIM JONG UN (aka "KJ ONE") leaning against his locker and casually FLICKING A LIGHTER. BECKY I heard he had to leave his old school because, when he asked a girl to prom dance, every other female student threw themselves in front of trains. As she talks, we see a CLOUDY FLASHBACK: Un at a SCHOOL DANCE with his DATE. Every other girl, seeing this, CRIES and runs outside. Outside, in an OVERHEAD SHOT, we see the girls exit the school and promptly get hit by 7 side-by-side TRAINS. BACK TO SCENE: BECKY (CONT'D) (pointing) He now must wear that dampening belt to keep his charisma levels under 500 at all times. REVEAL: Kim Jong Un is wearing a large, steampunk-esque BELT. CHAD, a blonde jock, steps forward. CHAD Pshaw! I don't think he's that awesome. My jacket of letters has five letters! Chad gestures to his LETTER JACKET, which does indeed have five letters on it. (V, JV, Q, X, and, briefly, a SWASTIKA. CHAD (CONT'D) How many does his possess? Not as many, I am sure. Kim Jong Un puts on a jacket LITERALLY COVERED with letters. CHAD (CONT'D) AH! Kim Jong Un turns around. The jacket has TUXEDO TAILS that extend down the hallway, covered with even MORE LETTERS. CHAD (CONT'D) GYA-AH! That's it! (dramatic point) KJ ONE! I challenge you to a racing car race! Meet me at the corner of street and avenue tonight! Then we will see who is top banana! Kim Jong Un just stares at him. Chad steps closer. CHAD (CONT'D) (dark, quiet) Only a grave disappointment to their father would not show up. Kim Jong Un's eyes narrow. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. STREET - NIGHT A STREET RACE. ONLOOKERS wait as Chad idles in his SPORTSCAR. CHAD Haha! KJ will not show up! Nothing could beat my Vin Diesel 7! BOOM! BOOM! The ground shakes. A SHADOW falls over Chad's car. He looks up to see - Kim Jong Un, dressed as SPEED RACER, is riding a TYRANNOSAURUS REX!! CHAD (CONT'D)
A FLAG GIRL steps out and starts the race: FLAG GIRL 3-2-1-RACE-TIME-GO! Chad and the T-Rex TAKE OFF AT TOP SPEED. They run through the city streets, neck and neck. Chad SNARLS at Un. CHAD You'll never beat me! I have made sure of that! Chad points off to the right. ROBOT and a KITTEN are slowly being lowerd into a pit of GIANT RATS. ROBOT/KITTEN Save us KJ ONE! They're approaching the finish line. Kim Jong Un looks from the Robot and kitten to the finish line. EMILY There's no way he can rescue them AND win the race... Unless... Kim Jong Un bows his head, breathes deep, then rips off his DAMPENING BELT! He glows with a GENTLE ENERGY as a LOWER THIRD BAR measuring his charisma BLASTS out the right side of the screen. Emily and Becky GASP and their eyes turn into TINY HEARTS. EMILY/BECKY Our eyes are stuck this way now! Kim Jong Un, in a FLASH-LIKE BLUR, takes a right toward Robot and Kitten. The T-rex grabs them just as they're about to be lowered into the pit and throws them onto it's back. Meanwhile, Chad approaches the finish line. CHAD Hahaha! I won! I won! I- Just as he's about to cross... BAM. The T-Rex lands on Chad, flattening him and his car. A crowd of girls rushes Un. EMILY KJ ONE! Will you take us all to prom dance, so our lives may continue unabated! Kim Jong Un, after a dramatic pause, nods. BECKY/EMILY YAY!!!!! The street erupts into a big DANCE PARTY. Fatboy Slim's Funk Soul Brother plays. Kim Jong Un leaps off his T-rex. A crowd of dancers catch him and hold him above their heads. EMILY I'm so happy we're sexy-fun American teens who don't run major nation states! EMILY (CONT'D) The pressures of that job would truly be miserable. Close on Kim Jong Un. His face hardens. His eyes close and a TEAR falls from one cheek. As it hits the ground... KA-BOOM! In a MASSIVE WIDE SHOT, the entire town explodes in a MUSHROOM CLOUD in the shape of KIM JONG IL'S FACE. ROLL CREDITS. The only picture this time is Kim Jong Un sitting at a massive desk looking very, very lonely. SINGER Typical American High School! END.