If you could be completely honest with your roommate, you'd be the worst.
By Brian Murphy
NOTE: This is a jump cutty, tagouty kinda sketchadoodle. INT. APARTMENT ROOMMATE 1 enters holding groceries. He places his keys on the counter, then turns and is startled by SOMETHING HORRIBLE O.S. He drops his groceries. REVEAL ROOMMATE 2, casually reading a magazine on the couch. ROOMMATE 1 AHHH! Beat. ROOMMATE 1 (angry) I was really looking forward to having the living room to myself! Roommate 1 empties a box of cereal. There's barely anything left. ROOMMATE 1 I only like sharing food when it's your food! Roommate 1 bangs on the bathroom door. ROOMMATE 1 If I'm late, it's because you had the nerve to take a shower. Not because I just woke up! Roommate 1 stands in front of a sink full of dishes. ROOMMATE 1 Ugh! Great. The sink is full of your dirty dishes. Roommate 1 holds up a dirty plate. ROOMMATE 1 Now there's no room for my dirty dishes. Roommate 1 is watching TV. Roommate 2 is grabbing plates from the coffee table in front of him. ROOMMATE 1 Your cleaning is distracting. Roommate 2 is watching TV. ROOMMATE 1 Hogging the TV is rude unless you're me and you're watching Friday Night Lights. Roommate 1 and Roommate 2 are on laptops. ROOMMATE 1 You're slowing down my Internet. Go outside. Roommate 2 is entertaining GUESTS. Roommate 1 opens the door to his room and shouts. ROOMMATE 1 I'm stuck being bored as hell in my room because YOU have the nerve to entertain friends in our communal space! Roommate 2 entertains his PARENTS. ROOMMATE 1 Tell your parents to go away, I wanna smoke pot. Roommate 2 is listening to music at a reasonable level. ROOMMATE 1 I hate it when you play music because it's your music. Roommate 1 walks in on Roommate 2 sleeping. ROOMMATE 1 Wake up! I wanna make noise but you're asleep and it's making me feel bad! Roommate 1 opens his bedroom door. ROOMMATE 1 Stop walking around! I'm trying to sleep through the afternoon. Roommate 1 is eating popcorn on the couch. Roommate 2 is in exercise clothes getting back from a run. ROOMMATE 1 You make me feel bad about myself. Roommate 1 is on his phone outside the apartment. ROOMMATE 1 Why aren't you home when I forget my keys!? Roommate 1 and Roommate 2 sit at laptops next to each other. ROOMMATE 1 You're not doing anything, but I still have a hard time concentrating when you're here. Roommate 1 angrily pulls a garbage bag out of the waste bin. ROOMMATE 1 I swear to god, I feel like I take out the garbage half the time. Roommate 2 walks in on Roommate 1 scrubbing the counter. ROOMMATE 1 I just decided five minutes ago that the apartment should be neater so fuck you for not helping. Roommate 1 puts two checks in an envelope. ROOMMATE 1 I'm really pissed off at you that it's my month to mail the rent because I forgot to buy stamps. Roommate 1 holds an empty Brita. ROOMMATE 1 Oh my god. How hard is it to fill the Brita when you're finished with it? He shakes his head and puts the empty Brita back in the fridge. Roommate 1 and Roommate 2 are at laptops. ROOMMATE 1 Quit e-mailing me about utilities. I get it. I owe you money. Roommate 1 yells from inside the bathroom. ROOMMATE 1 (yelling) Gross! You took a shit in our shared bathroom! Roommate 1 stares at Roommate 2 for a long, tense beat. ROOMMATE 1 (utter hatred) I have to wear clothes because of you. END.