If you could be completely honest with your roommate, you'd be the worst.
By Brian Murphy
NOTE: This is a jump cutty, tagouty kinda sketchadoodle.
ROOMMATE 1 enters holding groceries. He places his keys on
the counter, then turns and is startled by SOMETHING
HORRIBLE O.S. He drops his groceries. REVEAL ROOMMATE 2,
casually reading a magazine on the couch.
I was really looking forward to
having the living room to myself!
Roommate 1 empties a box of cereal. There's barely anything
I only like sharing food when it's
Roommate 1 bangs on the bathroom door.
If I'm late, it's because you had
the nerve to take a shower. Not
because I just woke up!
Roommate 1 stands in front of a sink full of dishes.
Ugh! Great. The sink is full of
your dirty dishes.
Roommate 1 holds up a dirty plate.
Now there's no room for my dirty
Roommate 1 is watching TV. Roommate 2 is grabbing plates
from the coffee table in front of him.
Your cleaning is distracting.
Roommate 2 is watching TV.
Hogging the TV is rude unless
you're me and you're watching
Friday Night Lights.
Roommate 1 and Roommate 2 are on laptops.
You're slowing down my Internet. Go
Roommate 2 is entertaining GUESTS. Roommate 1 opens the door
to his room and shouts.
I'm stuck being bored as hell in my
room because YOU have the nerve to
entertain friends in our communal
Roommate 2 entertains his PARENTS.
Tell your parents to go away, I
wanna smoke pot.
Roommate 2 is listening to music at a reasonable level.
I hate it when you play music
because it's your music.
Roommate 1 walks in on Roommate 2 sleeping.
Wake up! I wanna make noise but
you're asleep and it's making me
Roommate 1 opens his bedroom door.
Stop walking around! I'm trying to
sleep through the afternoon.
Roommate 1 is eating popcorn on the couch. Roommate 2 is in
exercise clothes getting back from a run.
You make me feel bad about myself.
Roommate 1 is on his phone outside the apartment.
Why aren't you home when I forget
Roommate 1 and Roommate 2 sit at laptops next to each other.
You're not doing anything, but I
still have a hard time
concentrating when you're here.
Roommate 1 angrily pulls a garbage bag out of the waste bin.
I swear to god, I feel like I take
out the garbage half the time.
Roommate 2 walks in on Roommate 1 scrubbing the counter.
I just decided five minutes ago
that the apartment should be neater
so fuck you for not helping.
Roommate 1 puts two checks in an envelope.
I'm really pissed off at you that
it's my month to mail the rent
because I forgot to buy stamps.
Roommate 1 holds an empty Brita.
Oh my god. How hard is it to fill
the Brita when you're finished with
He shakes his head and puts the empty Brita back in the
Roommate 1 and Roommate 2 are at laptops.
Quit e-mailing me about utilities.
I get it. I owe you money.
Roommate 1 yells from inside the bathroom.
Gross! You took a shit in our
Roommate 1 stares at Roommate 2 for a long, tense beat.
I have to wear clothes because of